Bed in a Bag Walmart Canada

We more often than not regret or apologize only after our actions have come back to haunt us. So, what do you do, when you pay the price for trying to make everyone happy through those actions?
Her name is Kim. She first transferred to my school in the 6th grade, and I didn’t know her so naturally I never thought anything of her. But now, she’s probably the greatest person I’ve ever known. She has my sense of humor, she’s smart, has a big love for music just like me, loved nature, is very independent and honest. She’s short with a very thin frame and dark brown hair down to the middle of her back. We started talking in our junior year of high school. We were paired in our shared art class and I didn’t think of her as anything more than a classmate who I honestly thought was kind of pretty. She wore these expensive looking, but still casual clothes. Some nice earrings and what looked like the latest iPhone. So she was wealthy I assumed, at least more than most. I walked to her table and sat down next to her. It was about 2 minuets of painful silence before the first words were said.
K “So, what do you wanna paint” She asked
D “oh uhm, it’s up to you I guess” I responded
K “really, c’mon”
D “I have nothing seriously”
She heavily sighed and said “fine, I say we paint the shire”
D “The what?”
K “No, you’re joking”
D “uhh no I’m not”
K “The lord of the rings!!!”
D “ohhhhhhhhhhh, I haven’t seen it”
K “Watch it!! You’ll never forget your first time watching the whole trilogy”
That was pretty much our first conversation, it wasn’t until the last week of our junior year when I thought of her as a friend, and we were somewhat close. So, I saw no problem in asking her to hang out after school. I was so nervous even though I thought of her as a friend, and I wanted my invitation to be as friendly as possible. So, I simply said “hey do you wanna stay after school and go on a walk?” I couldn’t just ask to go to her house as she lives with her aunt, and because I’m pretty poor so I didn’t have access to a car. And to my surprise she said yes. I honestly felt butterflies when she said it, and I let out an uncontrolled sigh of relief afterword. It went great, and it was tons of fun. It started kind of awkward. I mean we’re friends but this just felt different than sitting in a classroom and making jokes.
We walked to the mall, and just walked around in it not buying anything but still going in every store. We talked the whole time about, well life. We basically bonded that day, and ever since I’ve felt a little different after that. I think we’ve all had that day, where we have a different feeling towards someone we’ve known for a while. I didn’t understand it at first, but after that day, I kind of looked forward to seeing her every day. I did binge “the lord of the rings” trilogy, she insisted the extended edition, we went to the mall once a week to buy basically nothing, and… It was honestly the happiest I’ve ever been. But at the time I wish I could’ve told her about my “night hobby.” Now I only wish, I knew about hers.
Oh yeah, I didn’t tell who I was. My name is Daniel, I'm now in the middle of my senior in high school, and I'll be honest, I went down the wrong path early. I personally think it's justified, but I understand it's still bad. It’s just me and my mom that live in our home 30 minutes away from school and civilization. It’s in the middle of nowhere and our nearest neighbor lives 20 minutes away. Mom would drop me off every morning at the bus stop, and she would leave to work as I waited. But when she left, I would sometimes not wait for the bus, but rather leave and go off and do uhm… not good things. See this night hobby I mentioned, well what I would do was… I would… break into houses at night.
It sounds bad I KNOW, but I want to at least tell why I did it. My mom is very poor because she never seems to keep a job, I’ve spent too many nights listening to her soft sobs of frustration with life through the walls. But she always gave a smile and love to me. Of course, I give her it in return. One night in my sophomore year, before I ever met Kim, I was super depressed and felt life was nothing anymore. I know my mom felt the same, because I could hear her cry down the hall. I was fed up, and decided to do something. My logic, take something from someone with way more money. I mean… they have enough wealth to replace something small. I just want to take a small load off my mom.
So, the next morning I planned to skip school after my mom left me at the bus stop, and go off to one of the many suburban neighborhoods in the city and just, take something. The plan was set, and once my mom did drop me off with the other students waiting, I sat down till she drove around the corner, then I got up and just started walking. For about an hour I walked. I didn’t want to go to the nearest neighborhood, so I went to the second one down. I made it and my feet were killing me. I saw a kid on a bike riding around and I thought “why isn’t he in school” and, a bike would be amazing right now. I then went behind a house and waited, luckily no one saw me just standing around a corner stalking this guy on a bike. I played the waiting game and I won.
He eventually set the bike on the wall of his house and walked inside. With so many nerves, and anxiety. I sprinted towards the house, got on the bike, and peddled straight for the exit. I didn’t look back and peddled all the way back to the bus stop. Obviously by then the students were at school, so I took the bike further to the Walmart about 10 minutes away. I stole a can of black spray paint, bought a soda to avoid suspicion, and left.
When I rode back to the bus stop, I went into the woods that lead to my house and spray painted the light blue bike completely black. I got pretty high on the fumes; I didn’t know that would happen. Karma, I guess. That was my first, and second time stealing something and it honestly… felt good. The adrenaline was like a drug and I wanted to do it again.
After that I didn’t take the bike home because mom would notice, so I hid it in some branches, leaves, and other stuff around in the woods I could find. I hid it near the bus stop so when I wanted to skip school, I had a ride. Once a week I would go and ditch school completely to steal something new. What I consider as my first big robbery was a car. It was a 2014 toyota and I just looked up how to unlock doors on youtube, and after some practice on mom’s cheap car, I tried it on this Toyota. It worked like a charm and I ended up with 200 dollars in the glove compartment. Pretty lucky because who just leaves cash laying around in the car.
I robbed nothing but cars for about three more months, ending up with mostly small necessities and about 700 dollars. I never ended finding a jackpot like my first car though. It was so exciting every time I did it. By that time mom found a small job and I honestly felt like I was helping by secretly giving her some of the money I stole. Sneaking it into her purse when she was away from it. But I knew it wasn’t enough in the long run and I finally set my sights, on a house.
That was at the start of my junior year, and nearly the same time I met Kim. I found myself riding my bike to the same neighborhood I stole the bike from and started looking for a house I felt didn’t have much security, and/or the owner had a lot of money. I found one near the end which was nice for a quick escape, and with only one car out front I assumed it was one or two people inside. I told myself that I will only do 10 robberies, because I was already cutting it close with everything else. And after about a week of looking I found the perfect house.
The yard was right up against the tree line to the woods, which would be my get away. That Friday night I told mom I was gonna spend the night at my best friend Charlie’s house, I packed my bag full of stuff I was going to use, and she dropped me off at the bus stop where I told her my Charlie was going to pick me up. I got her to leave by saying they were about two minuets away, then I dug up the bike and rode to get into position. I wanted to wait till at least 2am, so I waited and waited listening to Linkin Park and Guns and roses to hype myself up. I downed an energy drink and hopped the fence into the back yard. Went up to a window and using my car experience I got it open and climbed inside.
I didn’t know where to go first, I didn’t think I’d make it this far. I went into one bedroom and just opened a few drawers; thank goodness this room was empty. I went to the next room across the hall and went into the closet to look around. I was so filled with so much excitement and adrenaline, that I’m surprised I remained so quiet. While moving my hand across the top of the closet, I felt a small metal box on top. I pulled it down and tried to get it open quietly. I decided “screw it, I’m out” and just took the whole box.
Once I got back outside and over the fence, I felt the most immense joy overcome me. I loved the rush and thought “I’m in the clear, lets break this thing open.” Using a hammer I bought, I smashed the lock and looked inside. It was over 2000 dollars in cash, and beside it was about 10 grams of weed and a shot bottle of some alcohol. I get the most INSANE luck on my first runs it seems. I then went to the bench by the bus stop and just fell asleep. That was my first house break in and I basically paid for almost all our bills that month, mom thought she did, but I saved her a lot of money for her to use on herself. She seemed happier and it made me happier.
Life was great at the end of my junior year, I was falling in love with this amazing girl, had nine robberies under my belt with one to go, and I was able to provide for me and my mom. The downside was our city had caught on to the increase of houses being robbed, and social media wouldn’t let me escape the reality of what I had been doing. I’d been in the local newspapers and the anxiety was building. I thought about quitting while I was ahead because I was pretty lucky to not have already been caught. But was unsure.
That wasn’t the only pebble in my shoe. At the start of my senior year, I was urning to tell Kim how I felt, I didn’t like holding it in and I was confident she felt the same way. That’s a lie I wasn’t confident at all I was terrified she didn’t like me back. The thought of rejection was almost more nerve racking than preparing for a robbery. Nonetheless I was to much of a chicken to tell her.
One thought I had in the back of my mind was, I take from people, and some could be like Kim. It made me start to regret a little. We both joined the next art class just called Art ll, and I got to see her every day. We were also fortunate to be partners again. Our first project was to paint some sort of portrait of ourselves. So, we took a selfie and tried to paint it as best as we could. Kim and my mom were making my world go round and it was an amazing period. I was feeling pretty good about life and felt invincible, and that’s a very bad feeling to have.
Kim’s birthday was coming up and when I asked her what she wanted she just said that I don’t have to get her anything. She said she “had enough already” but I wasn’t going to listen to that and I wanted to get her something nice. I’m terrible at gifting, plus I’m poor. She loves the lord of the rings franchise and the band Queen, I mean who doesn’t love both of those things. So, I had my eye on getting her the extended edition box set, and a vinyl of Queens “A night at the opera” it’s my favorite album and I hope she’ll like it. Furthermore, back at home mom told me that she was looking at trading in her car, and she was going to save up money for a while to do so. But I thought “well, I can most certainly help with that.” But I was still broke, and I needed to get good gifts, AND help pay for a car.
I started to hate myself more and more before each new job. Each time I entered a house I thought of Kim. What would she think of me if she found out? I promised myself ten jobs and I was on nine. I kept telling myself again that these people could afford to lose the small amount I took (well small for them). I said I was loving life, and I was, but only the outside of what I did at night. I was already feeling the guilt hanging above my head before the last robbery. But was also relived that it was almost over, and I could pursue a normal way of getting money like a part time job. I could sleep at night again, and grow more with Kim. But the only way to get to that chapter of my life, I would have to finish writing the one I was on. It was time to start planning for my biggest, and final job.
I was going to do this last one differently, instead of a house with little guests and bad security, I was going to go to a bigger house on the higher end of one of the richest neighborhoods. I was getting cocky and wanted to go out on a banger.
Nonetheless I still had rules, one of them being they had to be near the forest line, and another being the house had at most two cars in the lot. The truth behind the cars rule was I was hoping it wasn’t a full family I was robbing, only one or two rich people. It doesn’t make much sense but again I was hoping for it. I gathered info on my last house, two stories, twelve windows, six cameras on the outside, but almost no blind spots but one, and I was going to exploit it. See they pan left and right, and there are two that at the exact same time pan to opposite directions. So, the middle would be clear for about five seconds, in that time I would try to sprint to get underneath the cameras. I was going to use a crowbar to unhook the side window to the living room and climb inside. Then so on, going in a room, looting boxes, drawers, and maybe safes quietly. After that, back out the window and wait for my five second window and leave. Maybe the camera would catch me for a second, but that would be on my way out, and thus too late.
The date was set, and soon enough on Friday, October 10th I would make my move. I sat in art class around 12 o clock, the anticipation and nerves were immeasurable. The teacher was explaining the assignment but I didn’t hear a word of it. My thoughts ran wild and I began to doubt myself throughout the day.
“Hey, you okay?” said Kim
D “Oh shi- uhh yeah I’m fine, just didn’t get much sleep”
K “Aww whys that, what’s her name?”
D “What?!”
She giggled “just kidding, but seriously what’s wrong”
D “I guess I’m just stressed about stuff”
K “Like?”
D “You know, school”
K “That makes sense, but just don’t get behind this early, then you’ll be stressing hard”
D “Trust me I know what that feels like, I’ve only done it all three years”
K “I… believe in you, I mean that, your hard work will pay off”
I looked in her eyes after that and, just was amazed, I honestly wanted to marry this girl, she couldn’t possibly know what was going on, but her belief in me calmed and motivated me. This was for her and my mom. I was going to finish this and move on. It was in that moment I decided while looking into her beautiful eyes, that I was going to tell her how I felt on her birthday. I thought of it as a cherry on top for her gift. The day went by and I saw Kim after school again, and she said her parents were going to pick her up as she was going to stay at their place over the weekend.
D “So, when are they getting here?”
She looked at her phone “I don’t know, mom said her and dad left the house and would be here in about 5 minutes, and that was 10 minutes ago.”
D “Damn, that kind of sucks”
She sighed, “yeah it does. Dan, I don’t want to look dumb here alone can you stay with me please? We could drop you off at home”
D “oh wow, I mean you don’t have to do that but…”
K “No seriously I’m sure my mom won’t mind”
D “Okaaaay”
K “yes! okay I see the car”
D “Well, that’s convenient”
She then pointed towards this black car, and I couldn’t believe it honestly, it was a Bentley Continental GT. I was in shock, not only because that meant that her parents were pretty wealthy, but the car was beautiful. I finally got to meet her parents and they were very nice to me. Her dad intimidated the hell out of me though. But they agreed to give me a ride back to the bus stop where my mom would get me, and on the way, we broke the ice with talks of school. But I also thought her dad was interrogating me, he asked about my plans after school, my grades, colleges, hobbies, and more. When we got to the stop, I said bye to Kim and her parents and they rode off. I immediately felt just how poor I was once I stepped out of the vehicle, that was a different feeling being in there. From there my mom picked me up and took me home, where I would make my final preparations for the night ahead.
It was around 10:30pm when mom fell asleep, once I was sure she was sound, I locked my door, grabbed my bag, and was off. Using my bike that I hid around the perimeter of my house for this occasion I started the ride. The normally 30-minute drive was so much longer now that I was on a bike, and so around 11:50pm I made it to my stop.
I waited for two more hours until about 2am, listening to a creepypasta narrated by mrcreepypasta while waiting, and once my alarm went off, I jolted up in a panic. This was it. My last one. It will finally be over. Putting on my balaclava and black fingerless gloves, I thought about Kim. I felt immediate shame after that, but there was no turning back. I looked at the security cameras waiting for my window to pounce. About two minutes had went by and my chance went by a few times. I was waiting for the right moment, the one made for me. Then it hit, the cameras went outward in opposite directions for what felt like the thousandth time, but I knew this was the one.
I jumped the fence, and as I hit the ground I landed badly on my left ankle. It hurt like hell but I had to move quickly. I ran as fast as I as I could towards the wall. Each step more painful that the last, at this speed I wasn’t going make it. So, in the last second before the camera panned back my way. I dolphin dived for the wall, just nearly missing the cameras by about half a second and planting hard on my shoulder. I got up relived, but still in so much pain. My ankle was done, but the job wasn’t, so I had to keep going. I maneuvered towards the side window and put my crowbar near the latch. I slightly pried it open and used a wire to unhook the latch. Once it was open, I slowly pulled it up and crawled inside, trying to make as little noise as possible.
I was in. It was dead quiet and nearly pitch black, with the only light being the back-porch light leaking in through the window and casting my shadow onto the living room wall. I carefully walked towards the hallway before seeing nice a JBL speaker by a lamp. I grabbed it and put it into my bag, and kept walking. Once in the hallway, I put my ear up to the first door, I heard snoring. So, there was no going in there. I went to the next, and heard no sound. So, I tried the door, and it turned with a slight creek. I went in and had the dresser in my sight. I walked over to in and opened the first one, it was just panties. So, a girl stayed in this room, I saw airpods on top and I put those in my bag as well. Then I found a purse and without looking at the ID I grabbed the money. But what caught my eye next was gold.
A jewelry box, and judging by the look of this house, it held some expensive stuff. I opened the jewelry box, and found a beautiful necklace. This was perfect, who knows how much this is worth! I was getting excited till I felt something loose underneath the box. I turned it over and saw that it had a secret compartment underneath. That only means even more valuable stuff. I had completely forgot about being quiet and why I was there, when I heard something, from behind me.
It was a shuffle, and what sounded like someone tossing and turning, in a bed. THERE WAS SOMEONE IN HERE. The dread and chills hit me hard. I’m such an idiot. I got to caught up in seeing the dresser I forgot to check my basic surroundings. I didn’t move for what felt like minutes but couldn’t have been more than ten seconds. But then I heard her voice.
“Who are you?”
Her voice was so calm and collected, like she was greeting me. I started to shake in fear. But her voice sounded familiar. It was over. I started to turn around when she spoke again.
“I hope you know we have a gun, and you won’t get far”
She sounded like she was putting herself above me, like she had more power. I now looked at her. And… it was Kim. No, no no no. It all hit me like a bullet. The fancy car, expensive clothes, earrings, and technology. They were from her rich parents, and this was their house. I stared at her but what she did terrified me. She put her finger up to her lips, and shushed me.
“Don’t move, or I’ll scream as loud as I can. My dad will hear, and will grab his gun and find you.”
I stared her down with anger in my eyes, but my real emotion was heartbreak, I had broken into Kim’s parents’ house, but those emotions had to wait. She had me in a tight situation. How the hell was she so calm and in control, she was never like this ever with me, or even showed signs of this behavior. She was always so nice and would never hurt a fly, or at least that what she showed around me. This wasn’t her; this person was basically threatening that her dad would kill me. The Kim I thought I knew would never put anyone into harm. But this wasn’t my first time doing this, of course I had planned an escape, and I was about to use it. I still had my hands on the box behind my back, and I thought that pretty necklace would do just fine. But it was Kim, I couldn’t. Thoughts ran through my head, guilt, pain, and regret swallowed me. I stared at the floor, waiting for what she said next.
“That box you have there, it’s very important, could you put it down please”
Without responding in any way. I dashed for the door with the box in hand. And true to her word, she let out a horrific scream that pierced through every wall in this big house. Trying to be quiet wasn’t an issue anymore. I ran down the hallway and into the living room, but while turning. My sprained ankle reminded me I wasn’t going far. Putting all the weight on it trying to turn, I collapsed in agonizing pain. I held in a scream of pain and tried to get back up. But it wasn’t happening, I wouldn’t get far like this.
I crawled to the kitchen next to the living room. While there I heard loud footsteps behind me, it was her dad, and he was hunting me. There was a door in the back of the kitchen I saw and I decided to go there. I opened it and crawled in; it was pitch black. Almost as soon as it closed, I heard her dad reach the living room. He cocked his weapon to let me know he was armed. I turned on my phone flashlight I had to better see. It flipped on, but what I saw next, made me sick to my stomach. What lied ahead of me only lit by my small phone flashlight. Was a board, and on it. Were dozens of teenage boys, all of them with Xs drawn over them, and written in red beside their names, was one word. Sold. But at the bottom of the list, the only one without an X or sold, was an all too familiar name. It was mine.
“What the fu” and before I could finish my sentence, I heard Kim’s dad stomping towards the door. “Crap” I told myself, I flipped my phone to the camera, and took a photo with the flash on. I then got up on my good leg and hopped over behind a box. The door swung open and he reached for a light. The light pierced the room and so did silence. I closed my eyes thinking I was going to die. He was looking but wasn’t entering the room. “Did anyone come in here?” He spoke, but no response. He scoffed, turned the light back off, and closed the door. I’ll be honest I was crying in that room after that. What was that board? Who were those names? What happened to them? It all ran in my mind when clouding reality when…
“He’s gone”
I nearly screamed when I heard those words. I covered my mouth to avoid it.
“It’s okay, he’s gone, get out of here.”
I was so confused; I turned my light back on in the direction of the voice. It was a boy, in a little cage in the corner. He was so frail and looked like he hasn’t seen light in days, because he covered himself when I put the light on him.
“What the hell is this” I asked
“This is hell” he said with nothing but pain in his voice
“What happened to you?”
“She happened to me”
D “Who’s she?”
“The girl, Kim”
D “what I don’t underst…”
“Leave here now, they have the police, the town on their side, there’s no winning just leave”
D “I can’t just leave y…”
“Go, before it’s too late”
D ‘What’s your name, at least tell me that”
“It’s Joseph”
By then I heard sirens in the distance, I had to get out somehow.
“Ill come back for you Joseph”
J “please don’t” he said hopelessly
I left Joseph and limped towards the door. I opened it slowly and could still hear Kim’s dad, but he was now upstairs, presumedly looking for me. I limped towards the window practically throwing myself out of it. I didn’t care about the cameras anymore. Painfully I walked through the backyard towards the fence. Thank God no one saw me. I hopped the fence and hit the ground hard. I landed on the bag I had on and it hurt like hell. Which reminded me, I still had the box. I hopped on my bike and rode into the woods. There was no way I would get far going my usual route back home. My best bet I thought was to ride into the woods for a while till it was clear.
After about an hour of straight woods I stopped. I got off and dropped to the floor exhausted. Still in tears I wondered about Kim. This wasn’t how I usually thought of her though. My feelings were running wild and I didn’t know what to think. Did I still love her? Did she even love me? After being in misery for a little bit I got back up and started the ride back home. It was 6:00am by the time I got back home. I had never felt so physically and mentally exhausted in my life. I climbed back through my window, threw my bag into my closet, and collapsed into bed.
When I woke up, I had a text message from Kim, it read “Dan, my parents house was broken into last night, it was crazy, I woke up to this dude in my room and when I screamed he ran off.” I messaged back, “WTF that’s crazy, are you okay.” She replied, “yeah I’m okay don’t worry, police didn’t catch him which sucks, but I’ll tell you the whole thing next time we meet.” My last message was “Sounds good, I’m glad you’re okay, be careful.”
I remembered I took a photo after that, and it was nearly a perfect photo of the whole board. I’m making a guess but I don’t think I’m far off. I think they were running some sort of slavery business. It had names of sellers, buyers, and those who were sold or still on the market. I remember one thing Joseph said to me, he said that ‘they’ had the police and town on their side. So, this could go deeper than I ever imagined. He also said that Kim did this to him. But how I don’t know. As for the box, well, besides a necklace and earring worth over 20,000 dollars, were pictures of me. One of them of me walking home, one of my house, another of me at the bus stop. They were stalking me, which raises the question, do they know about the robberies?
Everything you read happened regarding my last robbery was on October 10th through the 11th. It’s now May at the time I’m writing this. I’m at my lowest point in life. All I wanted to do was help out my mom, I got selfish, and I regret what I’ve done. Every time I see Kim or her parents I think of that night. Nonetheless I still talk to Kim, but it has gotten to be more of practice for my acting, since I can’t look at her the same. I can’t allow her to know that I know what her and her family do. My poor mother worries for me, I can’t tell her why, and that hurts. Hopefully ill just move away and hope I never see them again. Or worst-case scenario, I end up like Joseph. Ill update if anything goes down, stay safe everyone. Dan

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Aragon Nude Lucy Doll Nude Lucy Nude Luke Cook Nude Luna Amor Nude Luna Nude Luna Vachon Nude Lydia Farley Nude Lydia Hearst Nude Lydia Hull Nude Lynda Boyd Nude Lynda Day George Nude Lynda Wiesmeier Nude Ma Anand Sheela Nude Mackenzie Bezos Nude Mad Moxxi Nude Madalin Giorgetta Nude Maddie Phillips Nude Madelyn Sheaffer Nude Madi Edwards Nude Madison Rayne Nude Madonna Nude Photos Madylin Sweeten Nude Maggie Sajak Nude Magibon Nude Maisie Richardson-sellers Nude Maisie Williams Nude Pics Malay Nude Malika Haqq Nude Manon Azem Nude Mara Wilson Nude Marcia Clark Nude Photo Mare Winningham Nude Margaux Hemingway Nude Marge Nude Margot Robbie Nude Photos Maria Butina Nude Mariah Carey Nude Pics Marianne Faithfull Nude Marianne Gordon Nude Marie Osmond Nude Photos Marina Laswick Nude Marina Nagasawa Nude Marisa Rosen Nude Marisa Tomei Nude Pics Marissa Neitling Nude Marjorie Barretto Nude Mark Consuelos Nude Mark Paul Gosselaar Nude Marlene Dietrich Nude Marleny Nunez Nude Marley Brinx Nude Marlon Brando Nude Marsha Mason Nude Marshall Price Nude Marta Maria Santos Nude Martha Smith Nude Mary Ellen Trainor Nude Mary Jane Watson Nude Mary Kay Letourneau Nude Mary Kay Place Nude Mary Lou Henner Nude Mary Louise Weller Nude Mary Nude Mary Winstead Nude Maserati Nude Massachusetts Nudes Masuimi Max Nude Mathilde Nude Matt Bennett Nude Mature Nude Gif Mature Nude Outdoor Mature Nude Sex Maya Erskine Nude Maye Musk Nude Medusa Nude Mega Nude Links Megan Batoon Nude Megan Fox Nude Photos Megan Fox Nude Pictures Megan Stevenson Nude Megan Ward Nude Megan Williams Nude Meghan Markle Nude Pics Mei Nude Melanie Liburd Nude Melanie Papalia Nude Melanie Rios Nude Melinda Mcgraw Nude Melissa Leo Nude Melissa Reeves Nude Melrose Michaels Nude Men Sleeping Nude Meredith Eaton Nude Mexican Mom Nude Mia Kang Nude Mia Khalifa Leaked Nudes Mia Li Nude Mia Mckenna Bruce Nude Miami Nude Michele Hartranft Nude Michelle Bauer Nude Michelle Fairley Nude Michelle Lukes Nude Michelle Meyrink Nude Michelle Stafford Nude Michelle Visage Nude Michigan Girls Nude Miela Nude Mifflin County Nudes Mikaela George Spielberg Nude Mike Chabot Nude Mike Tyson Nude Mila Kunis Nude Photos Miladawn Nude Milana Aleksandrovna Vayntrub Nude Miley Cyrus Nude Video Millie Weaver Nude Mimi Ndiweni Nude Mina Ashido Nude Minka Nude Miranda Frigon Nude Miranda Raison Nude Misa Campo Nude Miss Alice Nude Miss Genii Nude Misswarmj Nude Missy Margera Nude Misty Gates Nude Mlp Nude Mma Fighters Nude Mma Girls Nude Model Mayhem Nude Mollie Fitzgerald Nude Molly Nude Molly Schade Nude Mom Nude Photo Momo Nude Monica Beets Nude Monica Leigh Nude Morgan Mcleod Nude Morganna Nude Most Beautiful Nude Women In The World Mother Daughter Nude Pics Moyumii Nudes Mozhan Marno Nude Mrs Robinson Nude Muslim Nude My Daughter Nude Myesha Boulton Nude Mø Nude N Bushe Wright Nude Nadia Bokody Nude Naked And Afraid Nude Pics Naomi Ackie Nude Naomi Nash Nude Naomi Wwe Nude Narcos Nude Nash Grier Nude Natalia Vodianova Nude Natalie Dreyfuss Nude Natalie Hanby Nude Natalie Knepp Nude Natalie Mendoza Nude Natalie Morales Actress Nude Natalie Negrotti Nude Natalie Portman Nude Fakes Natalya Wwe Nude Natasha Alam Nude Natasha Legeyda Nude Natasha Oakley Nude Natasha Romanoff Nude Nate Garner Nude Nates Nudes Nathalie Fay Nude Natural Boobs Nude Natural Redhead Nude Natural Teen Nude Naturally Nude Pajamas Naughty Nude Girls Neha Mahajan Nude Nekane Nude Nekopara Nude Nessa Diab Nude Nev Schulman Nude New Leaked Nudes Nh Nudes Niamh Walsh Nude Nic The Pixie Nude Nice Boobs Nude Nick Pulos Nude Nicki Andrea Nude Nicki Minaj Nude Ass Nicki Minaj Nude Photos Nicky Hilton Nude Nicky Park Nude Nico Robin Nude Nicola Correia Damude Nude Nicole Alexander Nude Nicole Austin Nude Nicole Bass Nude Nicole Briscoe Nude Nicole Brown Simpson Nude Nicole Kidman Nude Pics Nicole Lz Nude Nicole Steinwedell Nude Nicolle Radzivil Nude Nikia Renee Nude Nikita Gokhale Nude Nikki Brooks Nude Nikki Glaser Nude Pics Nikki Margera Nude Nina Kayy Nude Ninas420life Nude Nita Talbot Nude No Game No Life Nude Noa Tishby Nude Noemi Bazinet Nude Noforeign Nude Nohhmee Nude Nolan Gould Nude Nora Segura Nude Not Another Teen Movie Nude Noémie Lenoir Nude Nud Girl Nuda Nude 15 Nude 3d Model Nude 50 Nude Acrylic Powder Nude Amature Women Nude American Girls Nude Animation Nude Ankle Boots Nude Ass Gif Nude Audition Nude Babe Of The Day Nude Ballet Dancers Nude Bar Near Me Nude Bartender Nude Baseball Players Nude Beach Cancun Nude Beach Costa Rica Nude Beach Family Photos Nude Beach Kauai Nude Beach Oregon Nude Beach Orgy Nude Beach Puerto Rico Nude Beach Shower Nude Beach Topless Nude Beach Virginia Nude Beach Xvideos Nude Bear Nude Biker Babes Nude Biker Girls Nude Black Chicks Nude Black Male Celebrities Nude Black Women Photos Nude Black Women Videos Nude Blonde Gif Nude Blonde Selfie Nude Bloopers Nude Boudoir Photography Nude Boudoir Photos Nude Boys Pictures Nude Boys Tumblr Nude Bridesmaid Shoes Nude British Girls Nude Cami Nude Canadian Women Nude Cartoon Comics Nude Catwalk Nude Celeb Girls Nude Celeb Movies Nude Celebrity Tits Nude Chiropractor Nude Chivettes Nude Chubby Woman Nude Church Nude Clips Nude Clothes Nude Clutch Bag Nude Collect Nude College Boys Nude College Men Nude Corset Nude Country Nude Couple Photography Nude Couple Pictures Nude Couples Tumblr Nude Daughter Pics Nude Demi Lovato Nude Drunk Women Nude European Women Nude Exhibitionist Nude Fantasy Art Nude Fat Chicks Nude Female Actresses Nude Female Butts Nude Female Cops Nude Female Strippers Nude Figure Model Nude Filter Nude Fit Chicks Nude Flip Flops Nude From Behind Nude Ginger Men Nude Girl On Bed Nude Girl Wallpaper Nude Girls At Home Nude Girls Having Sex Nude Girls Images Nude Girls In Panties Nude Girls Masterbating Nude Girls On Facebook Nude Girls Running Nude Girls Small Tits Nude Girls Spreading Nude Girls Squirting Nude Glitter Nails Nude Guys Tumblr Nude Gymnastic Girls Nude Hairy Black Women Nude Hairy Guys Nude Hairy Wife Nude High Heel Sandals Nude Home Video Nude Hung Men Nude Hunter Nude Ice Skating Nude Icelandic Women Nude In Heels Nude In The Rain Nude In Walmart Nude Indian Babes Nude Island Girls Nude Italian Men Nude Jamaican Women Nude Jokes Nude Kitten Heels Nude Latin Girls Nude Latin Men Nude Live Wallpaper Nude Low Heels Nude Male Pictures Nude Male Stars Nude Male Vimeo Nude Mature Babes Nude Maxi Dress Nude Men Gif Nude Men Model Nude Milf Sex Nude Milf Women Nude Model Pictures Nude Mud Nude Mud Wrestling Nude Native Girls Nude Navajo Girls Nude Norwegian Women Nude Nuns With Big Guns Nude Ombre Nude Ombre Coffin Nails Nude On The Moon Nude Overwatch Nude Patent Leather Pumps Nude Pee Nude Pilates Nude Pix Nude Pizza Delivery Nude Platforms Nude Pointed Toe Flats Nude Polynesian Women Nude Porn Videos Nude Pregnant Girls Nude Prostitute Nude Rappers Nude Reality Show Nude Red Bottoms Nude Redhead Gif Nude Resort Jamaica Nude Rugby Nude Sculpture Nude Seduction Nude Shaved Pussy Nude Shirt Nude Shoot Nude Short Nails Nude Snapchat Teens Nude Starfire Nude Stock Photos Nude Strip Video Nude Stripers Nude Student Nude Swim Team Nude Tan Nude Tiktok Accounts Nude Tits Pics Nude Top Nude Trans Nude Twitter Accounts Nude Videos On Youtube Nude Vore Nude Water Nude Wedge Heels Nude White Men Nude Wife Gif Nude Wife Vacation Nude Window Nude With Calla Lilies Nude Women At Home Nude Women Body Paint Nude Women Boobs Nude Women Breasts Nude Women Exercising Nude Women In Bed Nude Women In Cars Nude Women Peeing Nude Women Pussy Nude Women Smoking Nude Women Sunbathing Nude Women With Tan Lines Nude Women Working Out Nude Women Xxx Nude Yoga Pics Nudes Butt Nudes Chicas Nudes For Nudes Nudes For Sale Nudes Funny Nudes Leak Nudes On Pinterest Nudes On Reddit Nudo Menu Nyc Nude Nyvi Estephan Nude Nyx Nude Truffle Lip Liner Obama Nude Ochaco Uraraka Nude Oiled Nude Old Mature Nude Old Nude Pics Older Nude Woman Olga Chocolate Nude Olga Safari Nude Olivia Ann Jones Nude Olivia Dekker Nude Olivia Paige Nude Olivia Rose Nude Omarion Nude Ona Artist Nude One Direction Nude Only1jshea Nude Oregon Nudes Orihime Nude Oscar Isaac Nude Outdoor Shower Nude Outer Banks Nude Over 60 Nude P Nk Nude Padma Nude Paige Spiranac Nude Pic Pale Nude Women Pale Redhead Nude Paloma Faith Nude Paloma Silva Nudes Pam From The Office Nude Pamela Anderson Playboy Nude Pamela Reed Nude Pamela Smart Nude Pammie Lee Nude Paris Hilton Nude Pics Park Shin Hye Nude Parvati Nude Patricia Blair Nude Patricia Farinelli Nude Patricia Ford Nude Paul Wesley Nude Paula Beer Nude Paula Manzanal Nude Pearl Gonzalez Nude Peggy Bundy Nude Peggy Sue Winters Nude Pennsylvania Nudes Peppa Pig Nudes Perfect Female Body Nude Perfect Nude Female Perky Nude Persia White Nude Petite Mature Nude Peyton List Nude Fakes Phoebe Cates Paradise Nude Phoebe Combes Nude Phoebe Price Nude Pia Muehlenbeck Nude Pinky Nude Piper Fawn Nude Plain Jane Nude Pokiman Nudes Polynesian Nude Poppy Delevingne Nude Porkys Nude Scene Powerpuff Girls Nude Preggo Nude Pregnant Nude Pics Price Is Right Models Nude Prince William Nude Princess Margaret Nude Priscilla Ricart Nude Prison School Nude Pristine Edge Nude Projared Leaked Nudes Pulpfictionally Nude Q Orianka Kilcher Nude Rachel Bonnetta Nude Rae Lynch Nude Raina Huang Nude Rajce Nude Ramona Singer Nude Ramona Young Nude Randi Brooks Nude Raphtalia Nude Raquel Welch Nude Pics Raven Teen Titans Nude Real Nude Pics Reality Tv Stars Nude Rebecca Felgate Nude Rebecca Grant Nude Rebecca Love Nude Rebecca Pidgeon Nude Rebecca Ramos Nude Rebecca Van Cleave Nude Recent Celeb Nudes Recent Celebrity Nudes Red Hair Nude Red Heads Nude Reddit Nude Videos Redhead Nude Selfie Reiko Aylesworth Nude Renee Estella Nude Renoir Nudes Rep Katie Hill Nude Pics Resident Evil 2 Nude Mod Resident Evil Nude Mod Resident Evil Nude Mods Revenge Of The Nerds Nude Riae Suicide Nude Rich Dollaz Nude Rihanna Nude Perfume Ring Girls Nude Robbie Welsh Nude Romeo And Juliet 1968 Nude Ronda Rousey Nude Photos Rosalind Chao Nude Rosario Dawson Nude Pics Rosee Divine Nude Rosie Ly Nude Ross Butler Nude Rupaul Nude Ryan Guzman Nude Ryan Kwanten Nude Ryland Adams Nudes Leaked Ryuko Matoi Nude Sabina Kontor Nude Sabine Jemeljanova Nude Sabrina Sabrok Nude Sadkitcat Nude Safari Nudes Saggy Boobs Nude Saggy Tits Nude Sailing Doodles Nude Sailor Brinkley Cook Nude Sally Kirkland Nude

Retailer: Walmart
These comforte bed in a bag sets from Springmaid appear to have dropped to 2 cents today at most stores (reg $120-$190). With the combination of stock levels being extremely low and these being 2 cent items= extremely YMMV:
Springmaid Logan Comforter Set King: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866754713 Queen: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866754712
Springmaid Valo 3 piece Comforter Set King: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866753033 Queen: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866753032
Springmaid Barcelona Bed-in-a Bag Bedding Set King: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866753232 Queen: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866753231
Springmaid Belmar Comforter Set King: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866754707 Queen: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866754706
Springmaid Botany Bed in A Bag King: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866754181 Queen: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866754180
I personally got one of the Springmaid Logan King Comforter Sets earlier tonight. If you do end up finding one, always check out through self scan. It also helps to mute the volume of the self scan device (since some self checkouts yell out the price of individual items, and could grab attention from a self checkout attendant). Mutting the volume is easy: double tap on the volume button on the screen.

[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

Here are some of the best lines from the show. I'm sure I forgot a lot of them but I can't think of them I know they're out there though. I also put 2-3 good moments on the show
​
-You now women married? Why no tell me this before. No touching with me. Me not accept this (ZIED THEN STORMS OFF)
-You are so mach sexy so so mach sexy. (ZIED)
-You're gonna be lucky if your dick dont fall off (DINYELL)
-Go back to your broke ass country or else you're gonna pay you hear me (BIG RED BETH TO MAHAMIT ON THE PHONE)
-YOU GO FROM ONE WOMEN TO ANOTHER YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THAT MAHAMIT THEY CALL IT A GIGOLO AND YOU'RE GONNA BE LUCKY IF YOUR DICK DONT FALL OFF. (DINYELL)
-I HATE MAHAMIT SO MUCH I HATE EEM (DINYELL OUTSIDE TOMS HOUSE)
-Mahamit decided that we're not having secks because he's a muslim (DINYELL)
-You are a whore and you will not talk to me like this tonight. Goodnight. Slut ass bitch ass cunt ass whore (CHANTEL)
-He has told people that I smell and that I peed on 'eem (DINYELL)
-She was like fighting with me over it. She would be like crying and screaming on the floor in front of her teenagers I WANT MY SECKS TONIGHT. IF YOU DONT GIVE ME MY SECKS TONIGHT I CALL THE IMMIGRATION AND GET YOU DEPORTED (MAHAMIT)
-Don't terrarize me with your pregnacy (ANDRRRREI)
-YOU ARE THE WORST MISTAKE I MADE IN MY LIFE (DINYELL)
-YOU ARE A JACKASS HAVE A NICE LIFE BACK IN TUNISIA (DINYELL)
-I need eem here I want eem here he made me a better person (DINYELL)
-Danielle moaning whenever she cries about Mahamit
-Fuck you you lied again to my face (ANGELA AT THE BOAT CRUISE)
-Skyla I can tote it I just need ya egg (ANGELA)
-Lana mmmmmmmmmmm (David's creepy noise) (DAVID)
-Lisa's groan (BGL)
-I got 50 men waiting to marry me in the states right now (BGL)
-YOU NEVER LOVED ME YOU LIAR! YOU LIAR! GET OUT OF MY LIFE! (DARZY)
-She chrew my Louboutins at me. (JESSE)
-That's why Ash dumped you ass point blank Avery (BGL)
-Dinyell she is miserable person she used to having miserable life (MAHAMIT)
-If we talk about physical relation I think Dinyell is acceptable for me (MAHAMIT)
-Weeyams is the love of my life (YOLANDA)
-I love cook my sister I love cook my sister so mach (ZIED)
-I'm attracted to Nickle maybe just 55% (AZAN)
-I'd say Lisa is exactly 70% good in bed which is exactly what I expected (SOJABOY)
-YOU USED ME MAHAMIT YOU USED ME IM GONNA DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO GET YOUR ASS DEPORTER (throws evuhdence binder) (DINYELL)
-Did you put weight on? (TOM)
-You're gonna let this fucking pervert come at me with fucking charges. Ed has molested women he's groomed them and God only knows what the fuck else he did. (BGL AT THE TELL ALL)
-Do you think every man in this world has sex with his wife everyday? (Walmart Tom)
-GIVE ME MY RED BAG WITH MY MAKEUP (ANFISA SCREAMING IN THE CAR THEN THROWS THE KEY)
-YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GONNA COME BACK TO THE APARTMENT BUT YOU JUST LEFT (ANFISA SCREAMING LIKE A DEMON)
-Khalas khalas!! (Yazan)
-The time were Yolanda's phone said "The Williams"
-Fuck you fuck the Britany fuck everything (Yazan)
-Syngin is a cisgendered white male (Tonya)
-I don't think Synging is my soulmate. My first boyfriend was my soulmate (Tonya)
-Anna please Anna (Mursal and Anna crying histerically when he had to go back to Turkey)
-The mans brain is all boxes and womens brains are interlinked (Ash)
-Why are there recordings of your voice talking to other women? (Nickle)
-The time were Azan said he couldn't make it to Grenada because of a "family emergency"
-Coltee you're a fat fat loser who live at home with his mother (Larissa)
-Oh Coltee I know you are tired look you are fat too (Larissa)
-Go there and talk to the bitch she's a fucking bitch! (Larissa)
-Coltee do you fuck your mother because you act like she's your little lover (Larissa)
-I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS MARRIED. WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO (JINNY DESPERATELY WINNING AND CRYING)
- You think I don't know her by now? You think I don't know her for 8 years? Stop putting your American mentality on to this (David)
-When you have big ass and you go boom boom (Annie)
-I have 5 kids with 4 different women (Robert)
-A few weeks ago you call me "n word" which I know is totally inappropriate in America (SOJABOY)
-I thought my visa wouldn't come and that I wasn't gonna be able to be with Sumeet (Jinny)
-Cut the fucking thing cut it now she's disrespecting him fucking stop it Barb! (BGL ABOUT SHAUN AT THE TELL ALL)
-Ed and Avery are the most fake fucks on the air right now (BGL AT TELL ALL)
-Ed fuck you you're the goat you're the fucking goat! You wanna sit here and talk shit no fuck you! (BGL AT THE TELL ALL)
-You told Rose her fucking breath stinks and to shave her fucking legs. Meanwhile you're coming in here with your fucking greased up hair looking like a fucking bum in the South after that you said she's fucking taking your money. You said Rose scammed you (BGL TO ED AT THE TELL ALL)
-WHO IS AGAINST THE QUEEN WILL DIE! (LARISSA)
-I'M DONE! NOTHING BUT A SELF CENTERED LITTLE BITCH! (MOTHER DEBBIE)
-Is it because you love your mama more than your ex wife (Chantel)
-If you don't like him divorce him period! (Nicole)
-Did you just call me a fucking bitch? (Chantel)
-Yes (Nicole)
-I think maybe Teem is gay (Veronica)
-The time where Veronica storms out and spills water on Teem
-I think I should to be lesbian (Larissa)
-Men always put in their profile about a tacos and hiking (Larissa)
-Kalani job very easy. It's just cleaning and taking care of keeds (Asuelu)
-The father of the bride pays for the wedding Leeb (Andrrrrei)
-When Leeb starting crying in front of her father for him to pay for the wedding
-If Asuelu don't start stepping up either his ass is going to get beaten or I'm sending his ass back to Samoa (Kalani's father)
-Lying bitch (Asuelu)
-I just renewed my lease on the apartment sorry Annie (Robert)
-We have sex like 5 times a week (Annie/David).
-I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT RINGTONE BEFORE (ANGELA)
-IT IS A GENERAL RINGTONE I DON'T SET IT (MYKHUL)
-DON'T TRY TO SWINDLE ME BECAUSE YOU KNOW I LIKE CAKE (ANGELA)
-I'M DONE! DAMN THAT SON OF A BITCH (ANGELA)
-I THINK OF ANGIE AS MY ELDER (MYKHUL)
-I'M NOT YOUR DAMN ELDER! AND BECAUSE I'M YOUR ELDER AND YOU RESPECT WHAT I SAID WE'RE DONE! (ANGELA)
-AND YOU DON'T HIT HIM YOU HIT HIM THATS WRONG AND YOU STOP! (Mykhul and Angela big airport road brawl)
-Oh hell nah we're not going out there there's raw dawgs everywhere (FATHER CHANTEL IN DR)
-The time where Chantel family don't wanna get out of van at Pedro's grandmothers
-CAN YOU NOT BRING THE DRESS OUT BECAUSE SHE IS FAT (MYKHUL TALKING ABOUT ANGELA AT THE DRESS STORE)
-We need mommys blessing to get married (THE CRINGE OF BGL CALLING HER MOMMY)
-You called us stupid American with mental problems (Mother Chantel)
-You want the chicken feet (Pedro)
-The big brawl between Pedro and Chantel family
-Ay ay ay what you say what you say? (PEDRO YELLING AT RIVER AT THAT BRAWL)
-The time were Pedro danced with Coraima and then Nicole shows Chantel the video
-You're ugly (ROSE)
-WHY DID YOU SAY THAT. WHY WOULD YOU SAY SHE'S TRASHY (MYKHUL FIGHTING WITH HIS FRIENDS)
-Lisa is bigger than I expected. She is a very controlling women (SOJABOY)
-YOU AIN'T GONNA WEAR MY DAMN PRESIDENTS HAT BITCH (ANGELA)
- Pedro's mom has a business in the DR where she finds stupid Americans to match with a person on the island in order to harvest the American dollar (MOTHER CHANTEL)
-ARE YOU REALLY LIKE THIS ANGELA ARE YOU REALLY TRASHY (REBECCA)
-YOU DAMN BET I'M TRASHY ALL THE TIME (ANGELA)
-YOU NEED TO KISS MY ASS (ANGELA TO REBECCA)
-I'M THE TRASHIEST CLASSIEST BITCH YOU'LL EVER MEET (ANGELA TO MYKHUL FRIENDS)
-When Angela beat up Avery at the tell all
-Things are about to get a lot stupider (MOTHER CHANTEL)
-When Chantel and Winter found out Jah had another kid
-Hold my rings (Mother Chantel after the brawl with River and Pedro)
-I think that Pedro's mom runs an illegal business where they find stupid americans to harvest they american dollar (MOTHER CHANTEL)
-Almost there lazy (AZAN)
-My whole family anal so clean (JIHOON)
-Mens doesn't control me (JULIANNA)
-You need to cut it on a bias baby so that it stays juicy. Trust me I've worked in restaurants I know this (DARZY TO JESSE THAN HE DROPS THE KNIFE AND STORMS OUT)
-Baby are you Nigerian (YOLANDA)
-The time where Yolanda's commenting and crushing over Weeyums British accent
-May I halik you (BIG PRED)
-MOVE BEETCH (VARYA)
-IM FAILING MYSELF I FEEL LIKE IM FAILING MYSELF RIGHT NOW (GEOFFREY)
-GO FUCK DEBBIE FAT PEEG (LARISSA)
-It's not a poor mans game we admit this it's not a poor mans game (DAVID)
-In voodoo they use a lot of chicken feet (MOTHER CHANTEL)
-BITCH ASS PENGUIN ASS LOOKING BITCH (CHRIS'S SON TO DAVID)
-COME BAAAAAACK NOWWWWWWW! (ANFISA)
-You done told me that a million times MYKHULLLL (ANGELA)
-You gonna give me a black eye Mykhul (ANGELA)
-WHAT BLACK GUY (MYKHUL)
-Raw dawg mmmmmm (BGL)
-I'm not like work oriented I think I'm more stay at home mom and social media influencer (JASMIN)
-The time where Nicole is trying to hug Azan and he keeps pushing her away
-When Nicole was shoving Azan on the bus
-Winter finding out Jah has another kid he hid
-When BigPred and Rose are arguing outside the cafe at 12 am
-I WANT TO GO HOME ON MY OWN (ROSE)
-I DO NOT BELIEVE IN LOVE (BIG PRED CRYING)
-IM A STRONG WOMEN I DON'T NEED ANY MAN (DARZY THEN CRIES ABOUT TOM AFTER)
-We didn't have Sax until September (DINYELL)
-You treated him like a little goat (BIG PRED)
-He makes my skin crawl (BIG RED BETH)
-Why no find house for us two only (ZIED)
-Aladin doesn't give good jiggy-jiggy (LAURA)
-LET'S TIGHTEN UP FACEBOOK A LITTLE BIT (BGL)
-Lana does not have many dating profiles they're people pretending to her they're all fakes! (DAVID)
-I TRAVELLED SEVEN THOUSAND MILES TO MEET THIS MAN (BGL)
-WE JUST GOT MUGGED WITH A MACHETE (BEWILDERED CAMERAMAN FILIMING POL)
-Condoms are for slut people (ASUELU)
-Try to buy a butt (LARISSA)
-It's my tax paying right to get married in America. I'm a single tax paying meemah that dont make much moeny (ANGELA)
-I think you was horney and you was lookin for a bitch to fuck (ANGELA)
-I did the BJ you know for real (MYKHUL)
-It's an amazing adventure (DAVID)
-GET HIM OUT OF HERE HE'S AN IDIOT! (DAVID TO ED)
-I only drink juice I don't drink water (DAVID WHILE CAMERA IS POINTING AT HIS STOCK PILE OF JUICE)
-I have no idea where Gatar is I sell didos for a living (LADY AT SEX SHOP)
-I don't see one some thing about God here (LUIS)
-WHAT I USE FOR YOU PLEASE! (ALADIN)
-YOU DON'T GIVE ME PROPER JIGGY JIGGY ALUHDIN! (LORA)
-YOU SIR ARE FIRED! (DAVID)
-I'VE SPENT 300 000 DOLLARS TALKING TO LANA ON THE DATING SITE (DAVID)
-YOU WANNA BE SCAMMED GO TO FACEBOOK! (DAVID)
-debil owls (LUIS)
-BENJAMIN NEEDS TO PAY THE BRIDE PRICE (AKINYI)
-I can't talk to jesus when I'm drunk (AKINYI)
-I work so mach work (ZIED)
-I hate stay at home no work (ZIED)
-I was with a women before (REBECCA)
-Everything makes you uncomfortable Steph (ERIKUH)
Steph smashing the glass in the motel
-My parents really no accept you after this (ZIED)
-Are you with Matthew just for the sex (LUIS TO OLIVIA)
-HELLO BABY GIRL VISA (SOJABOY)
-All of the times when Dinyell would moan and desperately cry everytime time Mahamit left her
-When Angela fought over and over with Mykhul's friends
-The theory that Pedro's sister is actually the wife
Let me know what I missed lol
Enjoy!

If you think the dog days of summer are challenging, I’d like to introduce you to 100+ degree days when your city is resting under a warm blanket of tear gas. Who has two thumbs and is grateful for garbage television? This one.
Father Libby and Charlie arrive in Moldova, to see how many negative American stereotypes can be crammed into a single carry-on bag. As masters of complaint-as-conversation, they unfurl their first scroll of inconveniences that relegate international travel to “total nightmare” status. After a few rounds of “ain’t it awful” that include the special burden of having to walk almost a mile, and noting that Moldova has more outgoing than incoming air traffic, this dynamic duo is certain they’ve endeared themselves to Andrei enough that they’re ready to meet the rest of the fam.
As they get into the car, Andrei reflects on what a great gift his parents have been given in not understanding English, as he wades through a conversation that makes the average person long for a discussion of a nonprofit 990 tax document.
Father Libby: Do you have Fourth of July here?
Andrei: No.
Charlie: No fireworks? What the hell? What do you do when the Dodgers win?
FL: Is there a Walmart here?
Andrei: No.
FL: What about hot dogs? Apple pie? Cowboys? Do you tell time here?
Charlie: Do you double bag? Nibble on bath salts? Where is the America here?
Andrei: I’m still an asshole.
Libby: Blinks.
FL: Is this a road? Do you people call it driving? I’m talking about the thingie with wheels here.
Andrei: (In his safe space.)
FL: Do they pull people over here? Were you a cop?
Andrei: Yes, but I was not on patrol. It was a desk job. Now I drift off, for dramatics, and also thin blue line.
FL: You were like a detective? Ha ha ha! This laughter is to make you feel secure in sharing details of your life with us!
Charlie: They don’t have detectives in Moldova! They don’t even have July Fourth, how could they have detectives? This isn’t even Europe.
Andrei: Do you have maps?
Charlie: Why would we need maps?
Andrei: Please stick to questions about whether there is Denny’s.
Charlie: Oh we’re GONNA ask about Denny’s.
FL: Why aren’t you working for your father right now? This doesn’t make sense to me.
Charlie: That’s so weird!
Libby: We’re here!
Scene.
Despite the awfulness of this team, Family Andrei welcomes them with a lovingly prepared feast, and Father Andrei eagerly shares his hand-crafted wine. Father Libby smartly decides to make a toast and compliment their efforts. They then begin to interrogate the family about Andrei’s absent work ethic, and Brother Andrei notes that he doesn’t like working all the time, while his wife sits there, drinking from a deep pool of judgment. Andrei tries to pin his unemployment on Libby, insisting they’ve talked about this and him staying home made the most sense. I mean, she doesn’t even have to try at her job to get paid, and he makes up for it by hanging a TV that one time. Father Libby then says he offered Andrei a job, but he was too good for it, and again Andrei tries to pin it on Libby, only for her to say that she’d rather he work.
“I don’t know if it’s hormones or if she’s being dumb,” Andrei says, checking off two accusations on the misogynist check list. “But later I will tell her she’s crazy. You cannot put all of eggs in one man for himself, you know?”
Colt has swaddled himself into a sports coat, and packs up Debbie so she can fertilize Brazil’s soil with her bullshit. Debbie says she plans to just be herself, and Colt suspects that’s not going to go very well. Once they arrive everyone hugs them both hello, which is like second base for Debbie, so she calls Jess’ father “weird,” because clinging to your son’s ankle is normal. Instead of just eating the food and asking questions, Debbie finds ways to repeatedly invoke Larissa between culinary criticisms, because nothing comes close to her welcome feast of beef stew and disappointment.
Father Jess is eyeing Colt, and asks what he wants with Jess. Colt says Jess is the best person he’s ever met, and seems authentic, which soothes Father Jess. Mother Jess says that if he loves Jess that much, she should be married in their opulent house. This bums Debbie out, since she was hoping to dust off the cousins for another in-uniform declaration of ill intent, and this is going way too fast for her to sabotage. Debbie just doesn’t understand why she isn’t enough for Colt.
“It’s like sometimes people don’t see the person who is already there,” Mary sobs, crying all the way from Geoffrey.
“Does anyone else think they’re moving too fast? He’s just a baby tickling the teet of 40, for God’s sake.” Debbie is ready with the question.
“Fuck off, Debbie,” Jess is ready with the answers.
Debbie is appalled that she’s failing to ruin things and Jess isn’t kissing her ass, so she says she wants to go home, and assumes Colt will lobby for her soul-sucking cause. Instead he stuffs her into a cab back to the hotel, so he can focus on winning over what could be his future family.
“When I said we shouldn’t put Colt in the middle, what I meant is Colt should always choose me,” Debbie explains. Jess’ family is unimpressed by Debbie, and declare her bossy, and note that she wants Colt all for herself.
“Exactly,” Debbie agrees.
The next day Colt is hungover from the good time that kicked off the minute Debbers drove away. He goes to check on the kickstand of his life, who is disappointed that other people seem to be enjoying themselves. She says Jess put her hand in her face, which must have been difficult from so far away, and Colt considers that his mom might be jealous, which is reasonable if this is Bates Motel.
“She’s out of control, just like Larissa, and the other women I stuffed into the crawl space,” Debbie asserts. “Out of control, out of control.”
Later on Colt takes the other woman to the beach, where they can be alone with the camera crew and producers. They told Colt he’d get a bonus if he wore nut huggers in public while talking about how important his mother is, and dude said he’ll take that bet. Jess ogles Colt’s bod and declares that he makes her think about sex all the time before laughing maniacally, and can we ditch Colt and Debbie and keep Jess?
Jess and Colt talk about Debbie, and Colt considers that maybe his mother thinks that children are Jess’ idea exclusively, since he neglected to tell her this was his way of thinking, too. Jess says that Colt doesn’t defend her, and she calls him a mama’s boy, and Colt starts crying and calls her a daddy’s girl, which doesn’t bother Jess, because she managed to go all the way to America without a parent. Colt insists that he needs to take care of Debbie because she doesn’t have anyone else, and Colt doesn’t consider why his mother has no one else save for her adult son.
If you’re wondering how boring Larissa’s scenes are, the answer is very. The “detachable thumb” trick your grandfather did between war stories and nose blows is 5,000 times more interesting than this. Larissa bemoans that no one wants her around her except Eric. Carmen kicked her out for getting back together with him, so she calls him, and Eric just happen to have an empty room in his house for her to occupy. Crazy! Once they arrive roommate David comes out of his room, where apparently he’s been fishing, and Larissa declares that they need to be best friends. David says his best friend lot is already occupied by Eric, who is likely going to be heartbroken, but “A lot of people go back to the same watering hole,” which I apparently where Larissa plays Bloodbourne.
If you find that riveting, you’re going to be flattened by the scene where Larissa meets with a friend to report that Eric is like a cake. Then she looks at Eric’s phone and finds messages he sent another woman while they were apart. In the text exchange Eric describes Larissa as a bad mother who doesn’t take showers. So Larissa calls her, and despite this reportedly being a surprise happening the woman picks up right away. Who does that? The Other Woman describes Eric as the “worst man” and says they hung out one night just to bash Larissa. She details a time when Erik and Colt got together to compare butt sex and blowjobs, and I’m not sure who was more turned on at the time, but now it’s Debbie.
“He’s like a bitch,” Larissa states, which is unfair to bitches everywhere. Eric comes home so Larissa hastily hangs up, and reports she feels so bad about herself she wants to change her hair and face, and oh honey.
In women that will be changing nothing about themselves, Angela is having road rage all the way to the market, despite riding shotgun, and Michael foolishly thinks Angela will get ingredients to cook.
“You’ll see. Cause I’m not doing none of that shit,” Angela ends the suspense.
Angela looks high and low for a roast chicken from a 7-11 deli and some mac and cheese in a plastic tub, and when she comes up short she’s forced to usher in the finest moment of the episode: Angela goes to the market. There she is knocked out cold in the first round of a Boss Fight with The Woman Selling Rice. First, Angela asks her to dig deep into that bag of rice, because she doesn’t want the stuff on top. The woman fills an empty soup can with all the fucks she has left to give, and then pours the surface rice on top. Angela objects, and asks if she has anything pre-bagged. The Woman Selling Rice then empties the soup can of rice into a plastic pornography bag, and hands it to Angela. Totally beaten, Angela takes the bag and thanks her. Can this woman interact with Family Libby next, please?
A single ingredient in hand, Michael starts hunting for a tomato, and Angela declares, “This is getting out of hand.” She insists they need to ditch this and warm some Totino’ pizza rolls on a paper towel in the microwave instead. Before her fantasy can develop any further, she sees multiple goat heads flanked by flies, and since that bitch saw VVitch and doesn’t know whether or not that goat is loaded, she runs. From the safety of her car she attempts to restore order by taking a deep drink of a liquid that dissolves cars, but the memory of fly covered meat is still too fresh, and so she vomits, thus revisiting the Pixi Stix she snorted the night before.
“I can’t go back to that meat,” she protests. “I probably have malaria now. Two of them sitting on a table, and they were like ‘heeeelp me’ and they’re dead.” Michael just apologizes every time she wretches, which is the foundation of their relationship.
Michael is upset, because he really wants his mom and aunt to feel welcome in their apartment. Angela insists that it’s her apartment alone until they get married, and Michael feels as cut off from the 90DF gold as Superstar Soja Boy.
Later on Michael’s Queen Mother arrives, and enthusiastically greets Angela in Yoruba with giant smiles. They are disappointed in the lack of food, and Angela outs this as a fake scene with her over-the-top presentation of lukewarm pizza and half-assed plantains. Then Angela distracts everyone with rumors about the viability of her baby maker, and no one is hungry after that.
Asuelu and Kalani haven’t talked since California, but on the bright side that means she’s not pregnant again. They take both kids to the park, and while he’s being pushed in a swing Oliver looks like he’s over this shit, as his dad revisits his bungled birthday party and apologizes. Kalani thinks that’s a great start, but wants his behavior to actually change. He gives her a hug and a kiss, and steps away before he needs a condom for slut people. Asuelu then says that since they can’t go to Samoa, he wants to see his family in Washington. Apparently his mother lives there, along with a half sister from a different dad. Kalani is okay with this, so long as he doesn’t throw her under the bus at every point of conflict.
“I promise I will no throw you the bus. I want you to be my bus driver,” Asuelu announces, and once again, this show has written our Valentine’s Day cards well in advance.
Kalani and Asuelu call his mom and sister to reveal their travel intentions. Kalani is not close to his family, because despite being stateside, none of them could be bothered to attend their wedding. Asuelu’s mom claps her hands and demands love for her children, and then starts crying in menopause. Mother Asuelu reports that in Samoa she worked hard, but in the US of A she’s just eating, sleeping, and waiting to die. Then she asks for money, at least $1,000, and his sister does the make it rain gesture, because apparently his mother is a stripper. Kalani is not pleased by this development, since part of her resistance towards going to Samoa is that she’d be viewed as a human ATM. There seems to be no way to explain to these fine folks the salary limitations of free sample filling.
“You’re supposed to take care of your family before anyone else,” Sister Asuelu says, totally ignoring the family of small people.
“I don’t know Kalani, what she wants,” Asuelu responds, aiming her body for the front of the bus so she can be hit by all four wheels.
Paul has retrieved his dogs from a training center where he left him during his brief stay in Brazil. Now he’s happy to bring them to the rabbit hutch they’ll call home. He looked all over this one trailer park for a home, and now he’s putting some effort in to making it nice as a surprise for Karine. He cleans out the fridge, sets up a bed frame, and teases the possibility of dropping an air conditioner out the window, preferably multiple times. The camera folks were clearly also on pins and needles about the slapstick possibilities of this scene, because they were on him from the minute he waddled through the door with one of those heavy bastards in hand.
The great news about Paul’s tiny house is that it’s going to be a dream of energy efficiency, and can actually be cooled with that single window unit. There’s enough space for them to be comfortable, and it looks clean. He brings Karine to the place, and she looks around with a critical eye before declaring that she likes it, and Paul practically orgasms from joy. This might be the only time Paul has smiled on this show, and we’ll take it.
Karine then suggests they might need curtains for the windows, and Paul quickly cobbles together one curtain, and then starts putting a pillow in the window while Karine laughs. After he stacks a second one on top, boom, curtain with bonus insulation. For once, they seem happy with each other, which means next week either she’ll be pregnant again or they’re moving to Alaska.
Next week, Syngin wishes he never left South Africa, Angela finally talks to Michael about the goat’s head lurking in her uterus, Debbie rats out Colt to Jess, and Paul can’t get a job because people have seen this show.
Thank you, Patreon supporters! Patreon.com/fractalfay

If you think the dog days of summer are challenging, I’d like to introduce you to 100+ degree days when your city is resting under a warm blanket of tear gas. Who has two thumbs and is grateful for garbage television? This one.
Father Libby and Charlie arrive in Moldova, to see how many negative American stereotypes can be crammed into a single carry-on bag. As masters of complaint-as-conversation, they unfurl their first scroll of inconveniences that relegate international travel to “total nightmare” status. After a few rounds of “ain’t it awful” that include the special burden of having to walk almost a mile, and noting that Moldova has more outgoing than incoming air traffic, this dynamic duo is certain they’ve endeared themselves to Andrei enough that they’re ready to meet the rest of the fam.
As they get into the car, Andrei reflects on what a great gift his parents have been given in not understanding English, as he wades through a conversation that makes the average person long for a discussion of a nonprofit 990 tax document.
Father Libby: Do you have Fourth of July here?
Andrei: No.
Charlie: No fireworks? What the hell? What do you do when the Dodgers win?
FL: Is there a Walmart here?
Andrei: No.
FL: What about hot dogs? Apple pie? Cowboys? Do you tell time here?
Charlie: Do you double bag? Nibble on bath salts? Where is the America here?
Andrei: I’m still an asshole.
Libby: Blinks.
FL: Is this a road? Do you people call it driving? I’m talking about the thingie with wheels here.
Andrei: (In his safe space.)
FL: Do they pull people over here? Were you a cop?
Andrei: Yes, but I was not on patrol. It was a desk job. Now I drift off, for dramatics, and also thin blue line.
FL: You were like a detective? Ha ha ha! This laughter is to make you feel secure in sharing details of your life with us!
Charlie: They don’t have detectives in Moldova! They don’t even have July Fourth, how could they have detectives? This isn’t even Europe.
Andrei: Do you have maps?
Charlie: Why would we need maps?
Andrei: Please stick to questions about whether there is Denny’s.
Charlie: Oh we’re GONNA ask about Denny’s.
FL: Why aren’t you working for your father right now? This doesn’t make sense to me.
Charlie: That’s so weird!
Libby: We’re here!
Scene.
Despite the awfulness of this team, Family Andrei welcomes them with a lovingly prepared feast, and Father Andrei eagerly shares his hand-crafted wine. Father Libby smartly decides to make a toast and compliment their efforts. They then begin to interrogate the family about Andrei’s absent work ethic, and Brother Andrei notes that he doesn’t like working all the time, while his wife sits there, drinking from a deep pool of judgment. Andrei tries to pin his unemployment on Libby, insisting they’ve talked about this and him staying home made the most sense. I mean, she doesn’t even have to try at her job to get paid, and he makes up for it by hanging a TV that one time. Father Libby then says he offered Andrei a job, but he was too good for it, and again Andrei tries to pin it on Libby, only for her to say that she’d rather he work.
“I don’t know if it’s hormones or if she’s being dumb,” Andrei says, checking off two accusations on the misogynist check list. “But later I will tell her she’s crazy. You cannot put all of eggs in one man for himself, you know?”
Colt has swaddled himself into a sports coat, and packs up Debbie so she can fertilize Brazil’s soil with her bullshit. Debbie says she plans to just be herself, and Colt suspects that’s not going to go very well. Once they arrive everyone hugs them both hello, which is like second base for Debbie, so she calls Jess’ father “weird,” because clinging to your son’s ankle is normal. Instead of just eating the food and asking questions, Debbie finds ways to repeatedly invoke Larissa between culinary criticisms, because nothing comes close to her welcome feast of beef stew and disappointment.
Father Jess is eyeing Colt, and asks what he wants with Jess. Colt says Jess is the best person he’s ever met, and seems authentic, which soothes Father Jess. Mother Jess says that if he loves Jess that much, she should be married in their opulent house. This bums Debbie out, since she was hoping to dust off the cousins for another in-uniform declaration of ill intent, and this is going way too fast for her to sabotage. Debbie just doesn’t understand why she isn’t enough for Colt.
“It’s like sometimes people don’t see the person who is already there,” Mary sobs, crying all the way from Geoffrey.
“Does anyone else think they’re moving too fast? He’s just a baby tickling the teet of 40, for God’s sake.” Debbie is ready with the question.
“Fuck off, Debbie,” Jess is ready with the answers.
Debbie is appalled that she’s failing to ruin things and Jess isn’t kissing her ass, so she says she wants to go home, and assumes Colt will lobby for her soul-sucking cause. Instead he stuffs her into a cab back to the hotel, so he can focus on winning over what could be his future family.
“When I said we shouldn’t put Colt in the middle, what I meant is Colt should always choose me,” Debbie explains. Jess’ family is unimpressed by Debbie, and declare her bossy, and note that she wants Colt all for herself.
“Exactly,” Debbie agrees.
The next day Colt is hungover from the good time that kicked off the minute Debbers drove away. He goes to check on the kickstand of his life, who is disappointed that other people seem to be enjoying themselves. She says Jess put her hand in her face, which must have been difficult from so far away, and Colt considers that his mom might be jealous, which is reasonable if this is Bates Motel.
“She’s out of control, just like Larissa, and the other women I stuffed into the crawl space,” Debbie asserts. “Out of control, out of control.”
Later on Colt takes the other woman to the beach, where they can be alone with the camera crew and producers. They told Colt he’d get a bonus if he wore nut huggers in public while talking about how important his mother is, and dude said he’ll take that bet. Jess ogles Colt’s bod and declares that he makes her think about sex all the time before laughing maniacally, and can we ditch Colt and Debbie and keep Jess?
Jess and Colt talk about Debbie, and Colt considers that maybe his mother thinks that children are Jess’ idea exclusively, since he neglected to tell her this was his way of thinking, too. Jess says that Colt doesn’t defend her, and she calls him a mama’s boy, and Colt starts crying and calls her a daddy’s girl, which doesn’t bother Jess, because she managed to go all the way to America without a parent. Colt insists that he needs to take care of Debbie because she doesn’t have anyone else, and Colt doesn’t consider why his mother has no one else save for her adult son.
If you’re wondering how boring Larissa’s scenes are, the answer is very. The “detachable thumb” trick your grandfather did between war stories and nose blows is 5,000 times more interesting than this. Larissa bemoans that no one wants her around her except Eric. Carmen kicked her out for getting back together with him, so she calls him, and Eric just happen to have an empty room in his house for her to occupy. Crazy! Once they arrive roommate David comes out of his room, where apparently he’s been fishing, and Larissa declares that they need to be best friends. David says his best friend lot is already occupied by Eric, who is likely going to be heartbroken, but “A lot of people go back to the same watering hole,” which I apparently where Larissa plays Bloodbourne.
If you find that riveting, you’re going to be flattened by the scene where Larissa meets with a friend to report that Eric is like a cake. Then she looks at Eric’s phone and finds messages he sent another woman while they were apart. In the text exchange Eric describes Larissa as a bad mother who doesn’t take showers. So Larissa calls her, and despite this reportedly being a surprise happening the woman picks up right away. Who does that? The Other Woman describes Eric as the “worst man” and says they hung out one night just to bash Larissa. She details a time when Erik and Colt got together to compare butt sex and blowjobs, and I’m not sure who was more turned on at the time, but now it’s Debbie.
“He’s like a bitch,” Larissa states, which is unfair to bitches everywhere. Eric comes home so Larissa hastily hangs up, and reports she feels so bad about herself she wants to change her hair and face, and oh honey.
In women that will be changing nothing about themselves, Angela is having road rage all the way to the market, despite riding shotgun, and Michael foolishly thinks Angela will get ingredients to cook.
“You’ll see. Cause I’m not doing none of that shit,” Angela ends the suspense.
Angela looks high and low for a roast chicken from a 7-11 deli and some mac and cheese in a plastic tub, and when she comes up short she’s forced to usher in the finest moment of the episode: Angela goes to the market. There she is knocked out cold in the first round of a Boss Fight with The Woman Selling Rice. First, Angela asks her to dig deep into that bag of rice, because she doesn’t want the stuff on top. The woman fills an empty soup can with all the fucks she has left to give, and then pours the surface rice on top. Angela objects, and asks if she has anything pre-bagged. The Woman Selling Rice then empties the soup can of rice into a plastic pornography bag, and hands it to Angela. Totally beaten, Angela takes the bag and thanks her. Can this woman interact with Family Libby next, please?
A single ingredient in hand, Michael starts hunting for a tomato, and Angela declares, “This is getting out of hand.” She insists they need to ditch this and warm some Totino’ pizza rolls on a paper towel in the microwave instead. Before her fantasy can develop any further, she sees multiple goat heads flanked by flies, and since that bitch saw VVitch and doesn’t know whether or not that goat is loaded, she runs. From the safety of her car she attempts to restore order by taking a deep drink of a liquid that dissolves cars, but the memory of fly covered meat is still too fresh, and so she vomits, thus revisiting the Pixi Stix she snorted the night before.
“I can’t go back to that meat,” she protests. “I probably have malaria now. Two of them sitting on a table, and they were like ‘heeeelp me’ and they’re dead.” Michael just apologizes every time she wretches, which is the foundation of their relationship.
Michael is upset, because he really wants his mom and aunt to feel welcome in their apartment. Angela insists that it’s her apartment alone until they get married, and Michael feels as cut off from the 90DF gold as Superstar Soja Boy.
Later on Michael’s Queen Mother arrives, and enthusiastically greets Angela in Yoruba with giant smiles. They are disappointed in the lack of food, and Angela outs this as a fake scene with her over-the-top presentation of lukewarm pizza and half-assed plantains. Then Angela distracts everyone with rumors about the viability of her baby maker, and no one is hungry after that.
Asuelu and Kalani haven’t talked since California, but on the bright side that means she’s not pregnant again. They take both kids to the park, and while he’s being pushed in a swing Oliver looks like he’s over this shit, as his dad revisits his bungled birthday party and apologizes. Kalani thinks that’s a great start, but wants his behavior to actually change. He gives her a hug and a kiss, and steps away before he needs a condom for slut people. Asuelu then says that since they can’t go to Samoa, he wants to see his family in Washington. Apparently his mother lives there, along with a half sister from a different dad. Kalani is okay with this, so long as he doesn’t throw her under the bus at every point of conflict.
“I promise I will no throw you the bus. I want you to be my bus driver,” Asuelu announces, and once again, this show has written our Valentine’s Day cards well in advance.
Kalani and Asuelu call his mom and sister to reveal their travel intentions. Kalani is not close to his family, because despite being stateside, none of them could be bothered to attend their wedding. Asuelu’s mom claps her hands and demands love for her children, and then starts crying in menopause. Mother Asuelu reports that in Samoa she worked hard, but in the US of A she’s just eating, sleeping, and waiting to die. Then she asks for money, at least $1,000, and his sister does the make it rain gesture, because apparently his mother is a stripper. Kalani is not pleased by this development, since part of her resistance towards going to Samoa is that she’d be viewed as a human ATM. There seems to be no way to explain to these fine folks the salary limitations of free sample filling.
“You’re supposed to take care of your family before anyone else,” Sister Asuelu says, totally ignoring the family of small people.
“I don’t know Kalani, what she wants,” Asuelu responds, aiming her body for the front of the bus so she can be hit by all four wheels.
Paul has retrieved his dogs from a training center where he left him during his brief stay in Brazil. Now he’s happy to bring them to the rabbit hutch they’ll call home. He looked all over this one trailer park for a home, and now he’s putting some effort in to making it nice as a surprise for Karine. He cleans out the fridge, sets up a bed frame, and teases the possibility of dropping an air conditioner out the window, preferably multiple times. The camera folks were clearly also on pins and needles about the slapstick possibilities of this scene, because they were on him from the minute he waddled through the door with one of those heavy bastards in hand.
The great news about Paul’s tiny house is that it’s going to be a dream of energy efficiency, and can actually be cooled with that single window unit. There’s enough space for them to be comfortable, and it looks clean. He brings Karine to the place, and she looks around with a critical eye before declaring that she likes it, and Paul practically orgasms from joy. This might be the only time Paul has smiled on this show, and we’ll take it.
Karine then suggests they might need curtains for the windows, and Paul quickly cobbles together one curtain, and then starts putting a pillow in the window while Karine laughs. After he stacks a second one on top, boom, curtain with bonus insulation. For once, they seem happy with each other, which means next week either she’ll be pregnant again or they’re moving to Alaska.
Next week, Syngin wishes he never left South Africa, Angela finally talks to Michael about the goat’s head lurking in her uterus, Debbie rats out Colt to Jess, and Paul can’t get a job because people have seen this show.
Thank you, Patreon supporters!

Welcome to your weekly recap of 90DF, a show about people who fly all over the world to not have sex with people who don’t exist offline. Kudos to everyone involved who manages to not chase people down the highway, or conceal a three ring binder of assault charges.
Anyway, this episode ignites with an invocation of the Patron Saint of deep delusion, Baby-Girl Lisa. She’s fixin to purchase a mystical goat of enchantment, to trick Usman’s mother into accepting an elderly white Christian from the land of privatized prisons, and men with bad haircuts and torches in khaki pants yelling about immigrants. Eager to demonstrate she’s learned nothing since they “closed up” that last fight, Lisa rides her magic carpet of complaint from scene to scene, whinging about having to buy a goat, the market, the smell around the goat, the state of the goat’s health, the price of the goats, the complexities of foreign currency, and the sounds of goats.
The producer asks Usman if the goat is a pet, and he assures them that it’s a snack, which won’t be the last vegan endorsement this episode. Lisa thinks they must select a proper, not-skinny goat, because she’s seen Witch, and the wrong goat will fuck your shit up completely. Once they’ve picked a half-brown, half-white winner, the shop owner announces a $115 price tag, and Lisa’s certain she’s been quoted the “white woman price.”
Lisa: You can get a perfectly good goat at Walmart for $19.95.
Usman: I will not let someone sell you the price of white.
Lisa: Where’s the self checkout? Can I speak with the manager? This goat doesn’t even have a barcode.
Usman: They are booting our car and this scene is edging closer to Michael and Angela. Do you see this man’s face? He is beating me severely with his eyes.
Goat in tote, Lisa manages to squeeze in a few more complaints about the odor, which is not the Big Macs and Pine Sol bouquet she’s accustomed to huffing. Then she declares that the goat never shuts up, and Usman remarks, “Like you.” She shall henceforth be known as Billy-Goat Lisa. Thanks for that, Usman.
The next challenge in Usman’s gauntlet to marriage is to make Billy-Goat Lisa look respectable by Nigerian standards by wearing traditional colorful Hausa garments. Usman explains that if his mom does not approve he’ll be a failure, and already his mom did not speak to him for three months after he announced this relationship. Usman helps her get into a loose fitting gown, and we’re gifted the raw sex appeal of a faded white bra strap clinging to life, longing for its previous days of simplicity in the cool comfort of a Maidenform box at JCPenney. Usman admires her in the Hausa dress, and Billy-Goat Lisa reminds Usman that he still needs to do her hair, and then she needs to do her makeup. Usman insists that makeup isn’t necessary, since she’s just meeting his mom, and she’s already disappointed.
Usman brings her to meet his tribal council of women, and they’ve already voted Lisa off the island. A grand green carpet is unrolled outside, and they help Lisa sit down. An older boss lady queens in the doorway, gracefully cloaked in her “that’s a no” clothes. Usman introduces Lisa to his mother, who oozes alpha matriarch. #eldergoals. Outgunned, Lisa awkwardly responds, “You have a beautiful home.” This is extra derp considering where she’s sitting, but I’m going to give her a pass, because she could have said, “My purse is weighted by all these gold bars, will you take some of my burden?” and still would have lost this gamble.
Lisa goes on to be herself, which means expressing zero curiosity about their way of life, how they are, what makes them happy. The family was not warned about Lisa’s age, and were expecting a younger woman. Usman eagerly points out that Lisa brought a goat, and Usman’s mother responds, “Thank you.” Looking for something to fluff everyone up, he describes her as a “doctor” which does nothing to alter flat expressions, but older sister Sefiyatu of the magical eyes manages an unconvincing, “God is great.” Flies ominously crawl on Lisa as Usman declares their marriage intentions. Everyone is shocked, and Sefiyatu shakes her head, while mom puts on her purple nope cloak, says no, and walks away.
Later, Sefiyatu expresses they were surprised to see a woman over 50 years old, and while she knows there’s crack in America, she didn’t think Usman would smoke it here. Ultimate Mother tells the cameras that Lisa wants to take Usman out of his country, away from the possibility of having children, and “whites don’t like blacks over there.” Well, Mother Usman reads, so it’s over for you, Billy-Goat Lisa.
“I don’t see what the problem is,” Trashley interjects. “I mean, you call the police, and it’s fine. Right Jay?”
Jay: (Sounds of running.)
Somewhere in Yuck, Philippines, Ed is horrified to learn water is falling from the sky. He sits awkwardly on Rose’s fold-out mat bed, and learns that pops plans to share the bedroom with them, so Rose doesn’t have to fuck Ed twice. There’s a tropical storm outside, and glumly resigns himself to sleeping under Rose’s leaky roof, with only his caps lock-colored sneakers to protect him. Father Rose wisely realizes that Ed is going to be crying all night, so he declares he’ll sleep in the room next door with the more mature child Ed is fully ignoring.
The horrors only continue for Ed, who recoils from the menace of loud raindrops accompanied by that strange booming sound, unpredictable electricity daring to escape him, and foldable sleeping mats sponging up icky rain and denying him the splendor of 1000 thread-count sheets. Ed shakily admits that his relationship with dermatitis prevents him from enjoying the wonders of floor life, but the gifts for himself he sent Rose never arrived, and so it’s a hard knock polyester blend life for Ed. I strongly suspect the 90DF producers arrived hours early to deck the walls with wire and release an exhausted rat from a trap to increase Ed’s palpable horror.
“I sell sheets and fake gifts,” Maria confesses. “We need money for food, not diaper for man-baby.”
The state of their living arrangements makes Ed think she’s desperate for a way out, which is different from his desperation to be with someone 1/3 his age who will be bound to him by citizenship.
Ed wakes up the next day describing his night of terror, struggling for the first time without air conditioners, plagued by the possibility of a single mosquito bite that defied his generous dip in a vat of DEET. The only solution is to take Rose away from her son again for a private vacation, just the two of them, which is what he planned to do all along anyway. “My last marriage probably ended because I was jealous of the attention my daughter got,” Ed explains. “Now I’m going to be That Stepdad, who will punctuate every argument with statements about taking care of ‘your kid.’” Anyone else miss Tim? I miss Tim.
Ed then declares he’d like to take a shower, and Father Rose says he’ll join him, just to make sure Ed washes his damn hair. Shirt off, Ed unleashes a smattering of empty tribal tattoos, the douchebag calling card of Affliction t-shirt Gen X. This creates the opportunity to wince and complain about things being too cold, after complaining about being too hot for seven solid episodes. Then Rose rigs up the hose and turns this backyard bucketing into a full-on prison shower.
“I know about those,” Geoffrey declares. “Don’t drop the soap!”
“Rose!” Ed cries. “I dropped the soap!”
“Ed is like big baby,” Rose explains. “Except baby not always fussing.”
“I’m done!” Ed squeals.
“You’re done? I’M DONE!” Debbie shows him how it’s DONE.
Since we haven’t yet found enough evidence for the “Ed is a complete man-baby” file, we move to a pig farm to close the case. They join Father Rose in the back of a Jeep, and, eager to best Lisa for the most bland question extended to future family, Ed opts for, “Do you like living in the Philippines?”
At the pig farm, we’re presented with our second vegan conversion documentary, as we watch leashed pigs squirm in super tight pens for a handful of corn. This mysterious wet dirt matter on the ground is known as “mud,” and Ed’s mother always carried him over such offenses, so now he’s lost. Terrified of damaging his favored fashion accessory, Ed wraps his kicks in plastic bags for better slapstick sliding around. Sure enough, he immediately starts banana-peeling left and right, tossing yellow plastic bowls of food into the air while swearing like a sailor. It was the “son of a bitch!” Declaration while a plastic bowl sailed through the air, tossing food scraps like confetti, that convinced me I would be purchasing this episode for repeat viewing.
I don’t know why the editors declined to set this scene to the theme from Beverly Hillbillies, but I’ll assume it required too much coin. Ed successfully receives permission to deny Rose access to her son for an extended stretch of time, and busies himself pinpointing the nearest hotel with an English-speaking restaurant within spitting distance.
Speaking of casting directors that need to be stopped, in a world of happily queer folks madly lusting for each other’s loins, 90DF managed to find someone pretending to be bi for edge points. Stephanie aka Darcey Lite is still shocked that Erika expects her to be the person she pretended to be for four months. She’s packing up to alienate Erika’s family and friends as quickly as possible, while Erika is outside, calling a lifeline to confess this trip has been shit thus far, and Steph divides the bed with a long line of hand sanitizer every night, and I mean, there are shortages.
“I’m a happy person,” Erika tells her friend. “This is really disappointing to Stephanie. I’m depressed now, so I’m hoping that will help.”
“I’ve already decided this isn’t going to work,” Stephanie doesn’t admit. “Now I’m going to express my latest source of discomfort, Erika having friends she’s honest with, because that really doesn’t compliment my brand. I’ll make a youtube video of this later, when I’m ready to discuss #problems.”
Erika tries to engage with Stephanie during the car ride, which Steph promptly declares the wrong place for this conversation, since she doesn’t want to be shoved from a moving vehicle. It’s much better to awkwardly stare out the window for four hours instead. Erika brings up Stephanie’s control issues anyway, since they’ve just manifested for the 10,000 time, and asks if they might actually have something at the center before Steph builds a fence around it. Out of options, Steph starts rationalizing her behavior by talking about past pain and illness. This is easier than, you know, doing something different. Erika rolls her eyes, because she’s read this book before.
They pull into an AirBnB, so that Erika’s family won’t deduce from their complete lack of affection that they’re in a fake bisexual relationship. They plan to meet up with Erika’s friend Claire, but doing something is the last thing Steph wants to be doing. Claire is fresh from her latest stint as an extra in a Die Antwoord video, and I kind of love this chick and her wild tangle of fuck-you hair paired with the most welcoming eyes in the world. Can the editors just delete Steph from future episodes and make this the Erika and Claire show?
After introductions, Steph does her best to not ask Claire anything about herself, while reporting every event of the last few days in a downer fashion that emphasizes her displeasure. Erika doesn’t have the ability to disguise her misery at this point, as Steph says she’s uneasy about an upcoming party, which Erika sees as an opportunity to meet all her friends at once. Claire wants to know why Steph is uncomfortable, and she says she doesn’t like being in the presence of people who have had sex. Claire says that they’ve all dated each other (Port Augusta is a small town, after all) but Steph needs to make a mountain of this molehill if she hopes to preserve her celibate status.
When Steph goes to the bathroom, Erika asks Claire if she wants to get in her car and bail, because she wasn’t banking on a loveless, jealousy-anchored platonic friendship. Claire tells the cameras that she expected them to seem more affectionate, since it’s early days and usually couples are like that, and she hopes that in the two weeks they have left things somehow improve. Isn’t she positive? Let’s just erase everyone except Claire and Mother Usman and see what happens.
Later Erika and her amazing David Bowie Labyrinth tattoo try to talk to Steph again. During their four months of cyber-dating Steph was romantic, and all of that deflated the minute the plane landed and the potential for titty-touching turned real. Steph insists that just because they have no relationship doesn’t mean they have no relationship. Erika starts to cry, and Steph gets awkward, because she thought they were both fake lesbians who would just squeal and kiss when the boys are looking. I mean, look at her fingernails, does that scream “preparation” to you? Erika’s not buying it, and tells Steph she wants someone who is excited to see her. As always, Steph is overwhelmed that on day 4, Erika expects to be having fun. So Erika wants to know why she even bothered to come, if she doesn’t want to meet her friends and doesn’t want to do anything. Solid question. Steph apologizes for her behavior, and says she needs time and the unicorn pain of her illness, because 30 seconds have passed. Erika declares that Steph’s hurt always has to be more than hers, and drives away.
In the town that crazy built, David is stalking the artist formerly known as Maria and currently known as Lana, who is likely enjoying a nice cruise along the river Manchester with model boy toy Williams. Lana doesn’t know David’s en route to stalk her, since she’s been busy not existing.
“I want her so much,” David creeps. 300 miles in David has a flat tire, and admits he’s been driving 9 hours on bad roads. If someone pulls over to help, will they be the murderer or the murdered? It’s a toss up with this guy.
Later, David wanders aimlessly around Lana’s maybe-hometown, holding up a cell phone picture to anyone not carrying mace. He enters a candy shop Lana reportedly likes to frequent, and shows the cell phone shot to the shopkeeper, who presses the emergency button under the counter furiously, before stretching her fingers over a nearby bat and insisting she’s never seen the woman who has never entered her shop, because she doesn’t believe in dragons.
Dejected, David goes back to the hotel to obsessively check the site he’s surrendered all his money to, and he finds a terse email from Lana asking if he still wants to help her get stateside, and “start” a relationship. David responds to this like he’s just received a sonnet embroidered into a pillow with a candy heart resting gently on top.
“But did you get heart emojis?” Yolanda asks. “That’s when you know.”
Want to check in on the only actual relationship this season? Sure, why not. Avery is wearing flip-flops, which Ash calls thongs, and the editing team is so desperate for quality content that they cast this as a grand moment of cultural exchange. Hey, in Hawaii, they call them slippers! Isn’t language great?
Ash (who has Grave’s disease, FYI) hopes to rekindle the playful side of their relationship with a boat trip to see crocodiles. When the boat guy tells them to be cautious around their great jaws of death, Ash assures Avery that he’ll protect her, but Avery insists that after one bite the croc will be too high to remember whether he was going to kill her or not, because our girl is prepared.
Before we get too comfortable with this fun nonsense, Avery insists she’s not here in this beautiful spot on vacation to have fun. Instead, they need to break out the white board and make some SMART goals for this relationship. She asks when she’ll meet his child and ex, and for this scene we need to break out the white-light translator:
Ash says: I’m looking forward to that actually.
Translation: I haven’t asked, and was hoping you would forget.
Ash: I’m still working it out with Sian.
Translation: She said no.
Ash: I’m worried because my ex is very honest.
Translation: She’s going to show my cards, and I was just getting comfortable under this warm blanket of bullshit.
Douchelord Tom from the House of Bland has concluded his tantrum, and is surprised that he did that when he was planning to pretend to be a nice guy. He calls his sister up for some doe-eyed enabling. Tom declares that Darcey stormed out, and sis asks if he went after her, and when Tom says no she seems disappointed. He says he wants to apologize for his behavior, because he does have feelings for her, and was hoping to squeeze out a few more scenes before returning to a life of hunting for a second good angle.
Darcey is so pissed off she’s sculpted her eyebrows into the golden-brown arches. She opted to stay at the hotel because people can see this trash fire from space, but she doesn’t want Stacey to grimace it underground just yet. She doesn’t get why he had to do this in person, and doesn’t want to be alone. She feels used, and so she blocks his ass, cutting off his booty-hunting apologies before they can feebly launch from his needlepoint hands.
Next week, Ash breaks the news to Avery that he’s single (which probably is just a reference to them not being married), and Steph asks if Erika’s ex still has feelings for her (he probably doesn’t), and David waits for Lana to show up (she won’t). Anyone else exhausted and longing for actual relationships?
Thank you, Patreon supporters! To join: patreon.com/Fractalfay

Robocop: In here because of terminator, I'll shoot you before you ever get out of bed, king of breaking it down
Sheeva: I turn more heads then Shao Kahn, look up, shokan smash!
Fujin: The OG airbender, I stay high, don't touch my radiant ass hair
Spawn: Dat voice doe, watch the cape, I'm on that demonic and chronic
Joker: laughs with malicious intent, bonk, oh look your dead, yay
Jade: competitive pole dancer, uppercut of the ages, imma throw some shit at you
Erron black: Texas tuff, Clint Eastwood reference, here comes the boot
Kabal: Meme lord, imma keep it real with you chief, kaballin (I had to)
Kung Lao: Deadly fashion, dive kick, teleport, dive kick, teleport, something something great Kung Lao
Sub-zero: insert cold puns here, grandmaster all my friends are dead, slide to the left
Scorpion: The man bun, teleporting bitch, poster boy
Cetrion: Mother nature, mamas little monster, something something new era
Frost: Shitty female sub-zero, Walmart brand inspector gadget, UNIBEAM
D'vorah: Fuck, you, D'vorah
Jax: I'm getting to old for this shit, I'm about to beat the dog shit out of you, FROM THE TO ROPE!
Geras: Big black clock, still alive asshole!, sandman
Kano: That's not a knife, bigfoot levels of hairy, first rule of fight club...
Terminator: insert Arnold line here, Mr. Roboto, riding dirty
Nightwolf: Repping the matoka, chief, honorable af
Cassie cage: Millenial af, bang bang bang, something something yasss queen
Kotal Kahn: The king, the punching bag, the most powerful cripple in existence
Skarlet: Pain gives me strength, Shao Kahn's sidechick, drink the kool aid
Sonya blade: Oh mama there go that woman, dem legs, 10/10 voice acting
Shang thung: insert uno reverse card, definitely not up to something, YOUR SOUL IS MINE
Johnny cage: Class clown, family man, the real chosen one
Noob saibot: Edgy shit, hot topic, hello darkness my old friend
Kollector: What's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine, street rat, arms o plenty
Kitana: Damn girl, fangirl, I get skins and you don't
Jacqui: Made in the U.S.A, daddy's girl, anyway I started blastin
Liu kang: Something something chosen one, dragon boy, Bruce lee stereotype
Sindel: Evil milf, scream and shout, "thought she was a goner but the bitch came back"
Baraka: Chop chop, chomp chomp, 2nd best chef in history
Raiden: Downgrade in gameplay, stop blaming me for shit, something something elder gods
Shao Kahn: Stop.......hammer time, OG big boss, YOU SUCK

Welcome to your weekly recap of 90DF, a show about people who fly all over the world to not have sex with people who don’t exist offline. Kudos to everyone involved who manages to not chase people down the highway, or conceal a three ring binder of assault charges.
Anyway, this episode ignites with an invocation of the Patron Saint of deep delusion, Baby-Girl Lisa. She’s fixin to purchase a mystical goat of enchantment, to trick Usman’s mother into accepting an elderly white Christian from the land of privatized prisons, and men with bad haircuts and torches in khaki pants yelling about immigrants. Eager to demonstrate she’s learned nothing since they “closed up” that last fight, Lisa rides her magic carpet of complaint from scene to scene, whinging about having to buy a goat, the market, the smell around the goat, the state of the goat’s health, the price of the goats, the complexities of foreign currency, and the sounds of goats.
The producer asks Usman if the goat is a pet, and he assures them that it’s a snack, which won’t be the last vegan endorsement this episode. Lisa thinks they must select a proper, not-skinny goat, because she’s seen Witch, and the wrong goat will fuck your shit up completely. Once they’ve picked a half-brown, half-white winner, the shop owner announces a $115 price tag, and Lisa’s certain she’s been quoted the “white woman price.”
Lisa: You can get a perfectly good goat at Walmart for $19.95.
Usman: I will not let someone sell you the price of white.
Lisa: Where’s the self checkout? Can I speak with the manager? This goat doesn’t even have a barcode.
Usman: They are booting our car and this scene is edging closer to Michael and Angela. Do you see this man’s face? He is beating me severely with his eyes.
Goat in tote, Lisa manages to squeeze in a few more complaints about the odor, which is not the Big Macs and Pine Sol bouquet she’s accustomed to huffing. Then she declares that the goat never shuts up, and Usman remarks, “Like you.” She shall henceforth be known as Billy-Goat Lisa. Thanks for that, Usman.
The next challenge in Usman’s gauntlet to marriage is to make Billy-Goat Lisa look respectable by Nigerian standards by wearing traditional colorful Hausa garments. Usman explains that if his mom does not approve he’ll be a failure, and already his mom did not speak to him for three months after he announced this relationship. Usman helps her get into a loose fitting gown, and we’re gifted the raw sex appeal of a faded white bra strap clinging to life, longing for its previous days of simplicity in the cool comfort of a Maidenform box at JCPenney. Usman admires her in the Hausa dress, and Billy-Goat Lisa reminds Usman that he still needs to do her hair, and then she needs to do her makeup. Usman insists that makeup isn’t necessary, since she’s just meeting his mom, and she’s already disappointed.
Usman brings her to meet his tribal council of women, and they’ve already voted Lisa off the island. A grand green carpet is unrolled outside, and they help Lisa sit down. An older boss lady queens in the doorway, gracefully cloaked in her “that’s a no” clothes. Usman introduces Lisa to his mother, who oozes alpha matriarch. #eldergoals. Outgunned, Lisa awkwardly responds, “You have a beautiful home.” This is extra derp considering where she’s sitting, but I’m going to give her a pass, because she could have said, “My purse is weighted by all these gold bars, will you take some of my burden?” and still would have lost this gamble.
Lisa goes on to be herself, which means expressing zero curiosity about their way of life, how they are, what makes them happy. The family was not warned about Lisa’s age, and were expecting a younger woman. Usman eagerly points out that Lisa brought a goat, and Usman’s mother responds, “Thank you.” Looking for something to fluff everyone up, he describes her as a “doctor” which does nothing to alter flat expressions, but older sister Sefiyatu of the magical eyes manages an unconvincing, “God is great.” Flies ominously crawl on Lisa as Usman declares their marriage intentions. Everyone is shocked, and Sefiyatu shakes her head, while mom puts on her purple nope cloak, says no, and walks away.
Later, Sefiyatu expresses they were surprised to see a woman over 50 years old, and while she knows there’s crack in America, she didn’t think Usman would smoke it here. Ultimate Mother tells the cameras that Lisa wants to take Usman out of his country, away from the possibility of having children, and “whites don’t like blacks over there.” Well, Mother Usman reads, so it’s over for you, Billy-Goat Lisa.
“I don’t see what the problem is,” Trashley interjects. “I mean, you call the police, and it’s fine. Right Jay?”
Jay: (Sounds of running.)
Somewhere in Yuck, Philippines, Ed is horrified to learn water is falling from the sky. He sits awkwardly on Rose’s fold-out mat bed, and learns that pops plans to share the bedroom with them, so Rose doesn’t have to fuck Ed twice. There’s a tropical storm outside, and glumly resigns himself to sleeping under Rose’s leaky roof, with only his caps lock-colored sneakers to protect him. Father Rose wisely realizes that Ed is going to be crying all night, so he declares he’ll sleep in the room next door with the more mature child Ed is fully ignoring.
The horrors only continue for Ed, who recoils from the menace of loud raindrops accompanied by that strange booming sound, unpredictable electricity daring to escape him, and foldable sleeping mats sponging up icky rain and denying him the splendor of 1000 thread-count sheets. Ed shakily admits that his relationship with dermatitis prevents him from enjoying the wonders of floor life, but the gifts for himself he sent Rose never arrived, and so it’s a hard knock polyester blend life for Ed. I strongly suspect the 90DF producers arrived hours early to deck the walls with wire and release an exhausted rat from a trap to increase Ed’s palpable horror.
“I sell sheets and fake gifts,” Maria confesses. “We need money for food, not diaper for man-baby.”
The state of their living arrangements makes Ed think she’s desperate for a way out, which is different from his desperation to be with someone 1/3 his age who will be bound to him by citizenship.
Ed wakes up the next day describing his night of terror, struggling for the first time without air conditioners, plagued by the possibility of a single mosquito bite that defied his generous dip in a vat of DEET. The only solution is to take Rose away from her son again for a private vacation, just the two of them, which is what he planned to do all along anyway. “My last marriage probably ended because I was jealous of the attention my daughter got,” Ed explains. “Now I’m going to be That Stepdad, who will punctuate every argument with statements about taking care of ‘your kid.’” Anyone else miss Tim? I miss Tim.
Ed then declares he’d like to take a shower, and Father Rose says he’ll join him, just to make sure Ed washes his damn hair. Shirt off, Ed unleashes a smattering of empty tribal tattoos, the douchebag calling card of Affliction t-shirt Gen X. This creates the opportunity to wince and complain about things being too cold, after complaining about being too hot for seven solid episodes. Then Rose rigs up the hose and turns this backyard bucketing into a full-on prison shower.
“I know about those,” Geoffrey declares. “Don’t drop the soap!”
“Rose!” Ed cries. “I dropped the soap!”
“Ed is like big baby,” Rose explains. “Except baby not always fussing.”
“I’m done!” Ed squeals.
“You’re done? I’M DONE!” Debbie shows him how it’s DONE.
Since we haven’t yet found enough evidence for the “Ed is a complete man-baby” file, we move to a pig farm to close the case. They join Father Rose in the back of a Jeep, and, eager to best Lisa for the most bland question extended to future family, Ed opts for, “Do you like living in the Philippines?”
At the pig farm, we’re presented with our second vegan conversion documentary, as we watch leashed pigs squirm in super tight pens for a handful of corn. This mysterious wet dirt matter on the ground is known as “mud,” and Ed’s mother always carried him over such offenses, so now he’s lost. Terrified of damaging his favored fashion accessory, Ed wraps his kicks in plastic bags for better slapstick sliding around. Sure enough, he immediately starts banana-peeling left and right, tossing yellow plastic bowls of food into the air while swearing like a sailor. It was the “son of a bitch!” Declaration while a plastic bowl sailed through the air, tossing food scraps like confetti, that convinced me I would be purchasing this episode for repeat viewing.
I don’t know why the editors declined to set this scene to the theme from Beverly Hillbillies, but I’ll assume it required too much coin. Ed successfully receives permission to deny Rose access to her son for an extended stretch of time, and busies himself pinpointing the nearest hotel with an English-speaking restaurant within spitting distance.
Speaking of casting directors that need to be stopped, in a world of happily queer folks madly lusting for each other’s loins, 90DF managed to find someone pretending to be bi for edge points. Stephanie aka Darcey Lite is still shocked that Erika expects her to be the person she pretended to be for four months. She’s packing up to alienate Erika’s family and friends as quickly as possible, while Erika is outside, calling a lifeline to confess this trip has been shit thus far, and Steph divides the bed with a long line of hand sanitizer every night, and I mean, there are shortages.
“I’m a happy person,” Erika tells her friend. “This is really disappointing to Stephanie. I’m depressed now, so I’m hoping that will help.”
“I’ve already decided this isn’t going to work,” Stephanie doesn’t admit. “Now I’m going to express my latest source of discomfort, Erika having friends she’s honest with, because that really doesn’t compliment my brand. I’ll make a youtube video of this later, when I’m ready to discuss #problems.”
Erika tries to engage with Stephanie during the car ride, which Steph promptly declares the wrong place for this conversation, since she doesn’t want to be shoved from a moving vehicle. It’s much better to awkwardly stare out the window for four hours instead. Erika brings up Stephanie’s control issues anyway, since they’ve just manifested for the 10,000 time, and asks if they might actually have something at the center before Steph builds a fence around it. Out of options, Steph starts rationalizing her behavior by talking about past pain and illness. This is easier than, you know, doing something different. Erika rolls her eyes, because she’s read this book before.
They pull into an AirBnB, so that Erika’s family won’t deduce from their complete lack of affection that they’re in a fake bisexual relationship. They plan to meet up with Erika’s friend Claire, but doing something is the last thing Steph wants to be doing. Claire is fresh from her latest stint as an extra in a Die Antwoord video, and I kind of love this chick and her wild tangle of fuck-you hair paired with the most welcoming eyes in the world. Can the editors just delete Steph from future episodes and make this the Erika and Claire show?
After introductions, Steph does her best to not ask Claire anything about herself, while reporting every event of the last few days in a downer fashion that emphasizes her displeasure. Erika doesn’t have the ability to disguise her misery at this point, as Steph says she’s uneasy about an upcoming party, which Erika sees as an opportunity to meet all her friends at once. Claire wants to know why Steph is uncomfortable, and she says she doesn’t like being in the presence of people who have had sex. Claire says that they’ve all dated each other (Port Augusta is a small town, after all) but Steph needs to make a mountain of this molehill if she hopes to preserve her celibate status.
When Steph goes to the bathroom, Erika asks Claire if she wants to get in her car and bail, because she wasn’t banking on a loveless, jealousy-anchored platonic friendship. Claire tells the cameras that she expected them to seem more affectionate, since it’s early days and usually couples are like that, and she hopes that in the two weeks they have left things somehow improve. Isn’t she positive? Let’s just erase everyone except Claire and Mother Usman and see what happens.
Later Erika and her amazing David Bowie Labyrinth tattoo try to talk to Steph again. During their four months of cyber-dating Steph was romantic, and all of that deflated the minute the plane landed and the potential for titty-touching turned real. Steph insists that just because they have no relationship doesn’t mean they have no relationship. Erika starts to cry, and Steph gets awkward, because she thought they were both fake lesbians who would just squeal and kiss when the boys are looking. I mean, look at her fingernails, does that scream “preparation” to you? Erika’s not buying it, and tells Steph she wants someone who is excited to see her. As always, Steph is overwhelmed that on day 4, Erika expects to be having fun. So Erika wants to know why she even bothered to come, if she doesn’t want to meet her friends and doesn’t want to do anything. Solid question. Steph apologizes for her behavior, and says she needs time and the unicorn pain of her illness, because 30 seconds have passed. Erika declares that Steph’s hurt always has to be more than hers, and drives away.
In the town that crazy built, David is stalking the artist formerly known as Maria and currently known as Lana, who is likely enjoying a nice cruise along the river Manchester with model boy toy Williams. Lana doesn’t know David’s en route to stalk her, since she’s been busy not existing.
“I want her so much,” David creeps. 300 miles in David has a flat tire, and admits he’s been driving 9 hours on bad roads. If someone pulls over to help, will they be the murderer or the murdered? It’s a toss up with this guy.
Later, David wanders aimlessly around Lana’s maybe-hometown, holding up a cell phone picture to anyone not carrying mace. He enters a candy shop Lana reportedly likes to frequent, and shows the cell phone shot to the shopkeeper, who presses the emergency button under the counter furiously, before stretching her fingers over a nearby bat and insisting she’s never seen the woman who has never entered her shop, because she doesn’t believe in dragons.
Dejected, David goes back to the hotel to obsessively check the site he’s surrendered all his money to, and he finds a terse email from Lana asking if he still wants to help her get stateside, and “start” a relationship. David responds to this like he’s just received a sonnet embroidered into a pillow with a candy heart resting gently on top.
“But did you get heart emojis?” Yolanda asks. “That’s when you know.”
Want to check in on the only actual relationship this season? Sure, why not. Avery is wearing flip-flops, which Ash calls thongs, and the editing team is so desperate for quality content that they cast this as a grand moment of cultural exchange. Hey, in Hawaii, they call them slippers! Isn’t language great?
Ash (who has Grave’s disease, FYI) hopes to rekindle the playful side of their relationship with a boat trip to see crocodiles. When the boat guy tells them to be cautious around their great jaws of death, Ash assures Avery that he’ll protect her, but Avery insists that after one bite the croc will be too high to remember whether he was going to kill her or not, because our girl is prepared.
Before we get too comfortable with this fun nonsense, Avery insists she’s not here in this beautiful spot on vacation to have fun. Instead, they need to break out the white board and make some SMART goals for this relationship. She asks when she’ll meet his child and ex, and for this scene we need to break out the white-light translator:
Ash says: I’m looking forward to that actually.
Translation: I haven’t asked, and was hoping you would forget.
Ash: I’m still working it out with Sian.
Translation: She said no.
Ash: I’m worried because my ex is very honest.
Translation: She’s going to show my cards, and I was just getting comfortable under this warm blanket of bullshit.
Douchelord Tom from the House of Bland has concluded his tantrum, and is surprised that he did that when he was planning to pretend to be a nice guy. He calls his sister up for some doe-eyed enabling. Tom declares that Darcey stormed out, and sis asks if he went after her, and when Tom says no she seems disappointed. He says he wants to apologize for his behavior, because he does have feelings for her, and was hoping to squeeze out a few more scenes before returning to a life of hunting for a second good angle.
Darcey is so pissed off she’s sculpted her eyebrows into the golden-brown arches. She opted to stay at the hotel because people can see this trash fire from space, but she doesn’t want Stacey to grimace it underground just yet. She doesn’t get why he had to do this in person, and doesn’t want to be alone. She feels used, and so she blocks his ass, cutting off his booty-hunting apologies before they can feebly launch from his needlepoint hands.
Next week, Ash breaks the news to Avery that he’s single (which probably is just a reference to them not being married), and Steph asks if Erika’s ex still has feelings for her (he probably doesn’t), and David waits for Lana to show up (she won’t). Anyone else exhausted and longing for actual relationships?
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