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OBLIGATORY FILLER MATERIAL – Just take a hard left at Daeseong-dong…5
Continuing “Hey, Viv!”, I say, as we’re all being shuttled onto the bus which will take us to our hotel, “Toss me one of those miniatures, if you please. Yeah. Of course, Vodka’ll do. It’s bloody dusty round these parts.” Viv chuckles and asks if anyone else wants anything. He’s a consummate scrounger and somehow sweet-talked a demure and pulchritudinous female Air China cabin attendant out of her phone number, Email address, and a case of 100 airline liquor miniatures. That he looks like a marginally graying version of Robert Mitchum in his heyday and speaks fluent Dutch, French, and Italian might explain his success. I mean, a guy with four ex-wives can’t be all wrong, right? He’s a definite outlier in this crowd. We could be characterized as a batch of aging natural geoscientists who collectively, sans Viv, add up to an approximate eight on the “Looker” scale. Besides the years, the mileage, the climatic, and industrial ravages, it’s a good thing we all have expansive personalities, as most of us are dreadful enough to make a buzzard barf. But, save for Viv, no one presently here is on the make. Oh, sure; we’ll all sweet talk some fair nubile into a free drink or a double when we really ordered a regular drink, but we’re all married, most terminally, that is, over 35 years and counting. The odd thing is that save and except for Viv, none of us married folk had ever been divorced. That is strange, considering that the global divorce rate hovers around 50%, and we are often called to be apart from kith and kin for prolonged periods. However, we are always faithful and committed to our marital units and those vows we spoke all those many long decades ago. But, hey, we’re all seriously male and not anywhere near dead; and there’s no penalty for just looking, right? Continuing. We’re all loaded on a pre-war, not certain which war, by the way, bus which stank of fish, kimchee, and diesel fuel. We really don’t care even a tiny, iotic amount. It’s free transport, we’re tired of traveling, and not keen on walking any further than we absolutely have to. Viv has been passing out boozy little liquor miniatures, and I’ve been handing out cigars since I bought a metric shitload back in Dubai Duty-Free and somehow got them all through customs. We didn’t light up, as there was neither a driver nor handler present. So, we figured we’d all just wait on the cigars, and concentrate on having a little ground-level “Welcome to Best Korea” party until the powers that be got their collective shit together and provided drivers, herders, and handlers. We sat there for 15 long minutes. Being the international ambassadors of amity and insobriety, we started making noises like “Hey! Where’s our fucking driver?” and “I am Doctor Academician! Of All State Russian Geological Survey! How dare you make me wait? ” Suddenly, a couple of characters in ill-fitting gray suits and fake Rays Bans are outside the bus having a collective meltdown. Somehow, someone fucked up and put us on a ‘regular’ bus and not the ‘VIP’ bus. In other words, we got to see what the locals really got to ride around Pyongyang on instead of our supposed to be impressed by the bus that wasn’t there; but was now just arriving. A spanking new purple-and-chrome Mercedes long-haul bus shows up. It even has our group name emblazoned above the placard that normally tells where the bus is headed or who it is for: “’국제 석유 지질 과학 연합’ [Gugje Seog-yu Jijil Gwahag Yeonhab] or ‘International Union of Petroleum Geological Sciences’”. We are brusquely ordered off our present bus and into the opulent, obviously bespoke, bright yellow faux-leather interior Mercedes-Benz Tourismo RH M. It’s so new and so obviously a ploy to get us to think that all things here are so new and opulent, it even smells of that new car, ah, bus, aroma. “Well, we’ll take care of that soon enough”, I muse, as the bus is equipped with ashtrays and we’re going on the scenic route to our hotel, which is only 25 or so kilometers from the airport. However, it was announced that it’ll take us about 2 hours to get to our hotel since we need to see the city in its best light and get a feeling for the town if we should ever find ourselves lost and alone. We all know what’s going on. They’re getting our rooms ‘ready’ for our arrival and need some extra time to make sure everything’s all wired in and transmitting properly. “Guys”, I muse to our new handlers, “I’ve been to the Soviet Union, pre-wall fall. I stayed in places where I was definitely among the first westerners ever to grace their porticos. We’re a busload of natural scientists, of eight different nationalities, covering the economic spectrum from staunch capitalism to sociable socialism to hard-core communism. You even think for a second we’re going to spill any beans about anything you’d find interesting or useful? Think again.” In fact, it would become a running joke between us all to see what sort of fake bombshells we could drop into the normal conversation what would give the listener’s the greatest case of the jibblies. But for now, our bags were all loaded into the cargo compartment of this very, very nice, I must admit, mode of conveyance. Our handlers: ‘Yuk’, ‘No’, ‘Man’, and ‘Kong’, are all seated upfront and please with their latest tally of bodies. We have a couple of shady fellow travelers with the knock-off Ray-Bans and shiny gray suits that just appeared out of the woodwork in the back, seated by the loo, watching over all of us, and we’re going on a fucking city tour, whether we like it or not. We’re all present and accounted for. Let’s keep our camera in our bags for the time being as the drinking and smoking lights had just been lit as the bus fired up its new German-engineered and machined precision diesel engine. The bus rumbled to life and after a moment or two of checking that all dials, gauges, and indicators were where they were supposed to be; without so much as a cursory glance, we pulled out into traffic. Except there was none. Not another bus, pushbike, tap-tap, scooter, car, truck, hover-board, or motorcycle in sight. Nothing. Seems we were a big deal. They shut down the main drag so we wouldn’t be encumbered by such proletariat things like traffic jams or people-things cluttering the roadway, clambering for a look at the Western scientific cadre. So, away we whizzed, sans traffic and into the very belly of the beast, and onward; eventually, towards our hotel. Our handlers were very kind to point out passing scenes of interest. “Look, look! There’s the Potong River. Notice all the lovely birds, ‘eh what? See the Norwegian Blue? Beautiful plumage!” “See here, look. Here’s the Taedong River. Many forms of fish in the river. Maybe we’ll see some fishermen. If you like, we can stop, and ask them about today’s catch.” We all declined, as we were certain that the fish the ‘random fisherman’ we’d talk to was flown in fresh from elsewhere earlier in the day. Besides, we were comfortable. We had our drinks, our cigars, and we were leaving the driving to someone else. After being driven around the city and seeing all the wonderful monuments, like the faux Arch of Triumph, which looks exactly unlike its namesake Arc de Triomphe de l'Étoile in Paris. The Arch of Reunification, a monument to the goal of a reunified Korea, which, by necessity, is unfinished. Then there’s the Tomb of King Tongmyŏng, where people are lining up, just dying’ to get in. Finally, we all called for our hotel, the Yanggakdo, after yet another mausoleum, the Kumsusan Memorial Palace of the Sun. Arches or tombs. Such a stunning array of monuments and places of less than moderate interest. We were interested in Mirae Scientists street (Future Scientists street). It is a street in a newly developed area in Pyongyang to house scientific institutions of the Kim Chaek University of Technology and its employees. But we were told that it was too late, there was not much there to see, we needed to express written permission to visit, and we’d be going there tomorrow or next week. We wheel into the parking lot of the Yanggakdo Hotel and are immediately unimpressed by the pseudo-Baroque concrete fiasco that appears to stand, wobbly, before us. It’s a page right out of the Soviet Construction-For-The-Masses Handbook. A cold, gray concrete edifice with multitudes of seemingly little, tiny windows. A perfect metaphor for our travels thus far; look at the expansiveness of Best Korean wonders, through this pinhole. However, we judged too soon. We were told to go inside and check-in, whilst our luggage would be de-bussed for us and handled by the expertly efficient hotel staff. The lobby was opulent, tastefully laid out in earth tones of facades of veneers of marble, granite, some garnet-mica schist, if my hand lens doesn’t lie, some Prepaleozoic anatectic migmatite, displaying intricate and intense plication, xenoliths, and graphic delineation of minerals by segregation through melting points. There was a gigantic well-appointed and well kept up aquarium, complete with snuffling sharks and nuclear-submarine sized groupers. Very handsome indeed. Impressions increasing slightly. Then we see that there’s a bloody casino on the bottom floor of the hotel, several bars interspersed throughout the hotel, and karaoke, of which I’m not terribly fond, but some of my European counterparts almost swooned at the prospect. There are a large pool and weight rooms/gymnasia, saunas and places to relax outside of one’s room, but still under the watchful eye of the thousands of ill-concealed video cameras at every turn. “Covert surveillance” may be a thing in Best Korea, but it’s a practice still leaves a lot to be desired. The Eastern Siberian Russians back before the wall fell were more covert with their obvious button audio microphones woven into the fabric covering the headboard of your Intourist bed than the Best Koreans here. Their cameras were ‘disguised’ as flower arrangements, overhead lights, and speakers inexplicably placed into things like standing ashtrays, refuse bins, and randomly placed holes in the wall. The floors were all covered with exquisite what looked to be hand-woven rugs of most vibrant crimson and gold; the usual Communistic colors. Always with some sort of floral pattern or pattern that’s supposed to be reflective of nature, as I was told. Evidently, for workers to remember what nature was as they don’t get out much with 14 to 16 hours workdays here in the Worker’s Paradise. Enough of the travelogue; we all wander up to the front desk, and each with their own passport in hand, request our reserved rooms. We supposed that we would all have rooms on different floors as the reservations were made, expired, re-made, juggled, rebooked, allowed to expire, re-jiggered, and finally formalized a scant week before we left the UK. Nope. No such luck. We were all on the 39th floor. The place boasts 47 floors, of which, the top floor is a revolving restaurant. Evidently, food tastes better when you’re rotating. However, it won’t spin unless you first buy a drink. We had that thing whirling like a NASA centrifuge after its discovery the second night. Yeah, all 12 of us are bivouacked on the 39th floor. A floor with approximately 30 rooms. I guess we could have played “Room Roulette” and see who got which room and who’s luggage. Or we could switch every day or two to drive our handlers nuts. Or, we could just take our assigned rooms, which were conveniently located one empty room apart. Meaning, no one had adjoining rooms. Why? Fuck if I know. We didn’t spend much time in our rooms, and that time was either sleeping or showering. We’d all meet at the bar, casino, restaurant, karaoke, bowling alley (all three lanes) or actual meeting rooms every once in a while when we thought we should get together and compare notes. It was the most inexplicable situation. Plus, we spent an inordinate amount of time waiting on the fucking elevators to take us to our room. These elevators, and if you think you’re going to get a batch of aging senior scientists to schlep it up 39 floor’s worth of stairs, think again; are the slowest elevators in the civilized world. And that was the consensus of scientists representing not only Europe and North America, but Russia as well. 15-25 minutes added to each journey, up or down; stopping on every floor, except 5, on the way down.. Jesus Q. Fuck, dudes. If you can’t construct a bleedin’ elevator that works better than those at the Sozvezdie Medveditsy Guest House in Lesosibirsk, Eastern Siberia; then I suggest you seriously rethink your plans for world domination and new world order. Grako and Erwin once, while waiting for the fucking elevator, figured out that we were earning some US$25 each just to wait for the lift to arrive and take us to our rooms. Every day. Sometimes several times per day. With that, we all agreed to toss our “waiting time” funds into a kitty and on our last day of captivity here, blow it all in the hotel casino. Whatever became of that would be donated to the Koreans we thought most deserving of our largesse. Would it be our handlers? How about the Korean Scientists we’d be meeting? The affable and most accommodating concierge? Or that plucky little Korean charwoman who was always on our floor and kept everything spotless, right down to our freshly laundered and pressed field clothes and newly polished field boots; done without our requesting or knowledge? Only time would tell. It could be a fortune or it could be bupkiss. Just like our expectations of the Heavenly Kingdom where we were currently sequestered. As it was, with our official protestations, they kept only photocopies of our passports as we roundly refused and threatened a full-scale karaoke battle right here in the lobby if they didn’t relinquish our passports immediately. I had broken out my nastiest cigar and was primed to offend. With that, we all had our keys and trooped over to the elevators for our first, of many, inexplicable waits. We made many uncharitable and potentially nasty remarks about the Anti-Western posters that made up some of the wall décor. Once we finally made it to our floor, we all fanned out to find our rooms. Viv found his first and was quite pleased to report to the rest of us that there was a “Welcome” basket in his room. We all hoped that we would be receiving one a well. I was in room 3914; which I considered a close call, but later only wondered as there was no 3913. Upon entering, I saw it was 1980s Hotel 6 opulent, but with an excellent over-city view. True it was late, dark, and the city was only somewhat lit up; I was looking forward to the view of the town in full daylight. The room had a ‘king’ bed; that is if the king in question was Tutankhamen, the stubby, Egyptian boy king. The bed had no mattress pad and no box spring but it was hard enough for my liking. Many of my compatriots didn’t agree and complained bitterly. They eventually received thin mattress pads for all their kvetching. There was an ancient Japanese color television, which only had 2 English language channels - Al Jazeera and the BBC, which was on a dated news loop. Watching the local channel is amusing though; the ads for ‘personal enhancements’ were hilarious, even without understanding a word of the language. There were a couple of chairs and a low table, built-in dresser drawers for our clothes, a rusty and probably unusable room safe with corroded batteries, a small table built out of the wall that would serve as my travel office, and would-you-believe, a rotary telephone; how’s that for nostalgia? There was an old-model radio built into the nightstand next to the bed. I was very surprised to find it not only received AM, FM but shortwave as well. I had brought along a pair of Bose headphones and during some rainy down days, spent many fun-filled, and I mean that sincerely, hours DXing from the comfort of my ‘enormous’ king bed. Beyond that, the room was very nondescript. Like any other of the millions of rooms in hotels around the world that unlike here, aren’t claiming a 5-star rating. I mean, it was clean, if not a little long in the tooth. But didn’t smell too terrible, even after I took care of that with my Camacho offerings. It was utilitarian, everything worked, even the water pressure, which surprisingly could strip off layers of one’s skin if you weren’t careful. The bathroom, though no Jacuzzi, had a large enough bathtub for the occasional soaking period. Western accouterments in the bathroom were also welcome additions. My knees can’t handle the traditional squat-holes any longer. There were an electric teapot and several brands of tea, but no coffee. A quick “Gee! I sure wish I had some coffee!” to the four walls and damned if 30 minutes later, a porter didn’t arrive to replenish my tea and courtesy in-room coffee… There was a small Japanese brand in-room refrigerator which I thought might house a mini-bar. Oh, no! It was actually a complimentary larder stocked with all sorts of Best Korean goodies. Multiple cans of Taedonggang beer. Several bottles of Pyongyang Soju, in various flavors ranging anywhere from 16.8 to 53 percent alcohol by volume. My fridge was skewed towards the right-hand side of the bell curve; the more heavy-duty boozy side. Evidently, my reputation had preceded me again. There was a selection of German-style wheat beers from the Taedonggang Brewery and the more familiar ales, steam beers, and lagers. There were some imported beers like Heineken, Bavaria, Pils, a couple of Japanese brands: Asahi and Kirin, and something called ‘Hello Beer’ from Singapore. There were also ‘sampler’ bottles of Apricot Pit wine, and a couple of high-alcohol fruity liquors made from constituents such as apple or pear, and mushrooms. There were also special medicinal liquors like ‘Rason’s Seal Penis Liquor’. That is going home with me unopened. There were a couple of bottles of local sake, called Chonju. Finally, there was a couple ‘samplers’ of homemade alcohol known as Makkoli. Plus there was something called ‘Corn Grotto’, which for the life of me, looks and tastes much like a very passable Kentucky Sippin’ Bourbon. I put our concierge on instant danger money the very next day. He’s yet to source me more than a fifth of the stuff so far. I found that there is a popular drink here which mirrors the Yorsch of Mother Russia. Beer and soju can be mixed to create *somaek’; a foamy, frothy, funky drink of many flavors, depending on the soju chosen. Is ethnoimbibology at thing? The science of how different cultures drink and the effects of drinking culture on different societies. If not, now I have another Ph.D. to pursue after I endow a chair at some likely Asian university. Anyways, in everyone’s room was a “welcome” basket, just chock full of Best Korean goodies. Postcards, stamps, ads for coin sets, stamp proofs and other goodies that could be purchased at the hotel. There was a field notebook, which I thought was a very nice addition, newspapers, cookies, crackers, biscuits, candies, fruit drinks, and some fresh fruit; although tamarind chewies and durian chips aren’t on my list of personal favorites. There were a couple of tour books, just chock full of staged photos. These were very nice as well, as so far, we haven’t had much time for shopping outside of government stores or smaller family-run shops in town or out in the boonies. A few of us were hungry and decided to see what the hotel had to offer room service-wise. Bupkiss. But, they did have a selection of restaurants. There is a Chinese restaurant, a European restaurant, and a Korean restaurant on site but they all serve the same food...a Best Korean attempt at western food. And it was weird being the only ones in the restaurant even though it was fully staffed. We grazed lightly and decided to do some late-night perambulations around our hotel. Our handlers admonished us to stay within the confines of the hotel, or see them if it was absolutely necessary to go walkabout. In the hotel, we were on our own. We found that there were tunnels in the hotel’s basement. The basement tunnels were a real bonus. There’s a bar with pool tables, a karaoke room, bowling, and a massage parlor, where I was beaten and pummeled into submission by tiny, diminutive, little Korean lassies fully 1/5th my size. It was wonderful. There was a hairdresser’s, who were completely befuddled by my shoulder-length silver-gray locks and full gray Grizzly Adams beard. They did provide a lovely shampoo/cranial massage though for the equivalent of US$2. There were a couple of shops selling Chinese goods rather than local stuff, which was sort of disappointing, a cold noodle bar, and another casino. No shops selling Korean Communist propaganda posters, as I wanted to augment my Soviet-era collection. Perhaps I’ll find something in-country later on. We were shocked to find that the casino had WiFi that was uncensored and we were able to access; after a fee of liquor miniatures and a cigar or two. We were supposed to have access to the global internet, not local intranet, from the universities that we would be visiting. However, all of that was under the heavily squinting eyes of handlers and guys in shiny suits wearing fake Ray-Bans. I still had my secret satellite internet lash-up available, but that was iffy, a pain in the ass to set up, and ridiculously expensive. However, it did work on the 39th floor and the times I used it instead of wandering down to the tunnels, no one appeared to be the wiser. Thus far. So typically, we’d just head to the basement casino with our laptops, iPads, and phones. Bam! Robert’s your Sister’s Husband, we could connect more-or-less free with the outside world; hence how you are reading this now. Herro! “Yes, I’d sure like another beer. This time a porter, if you please.” The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain. Or the more they put into locks, the easier they are to pick. Besides, we were told we’d have access to unfettered and free internet. OK, so we just found it for ourselves. Whaddya expect? We’re scientists, motherfucker, back off. Ahem. Back to reality. The breakfast buffet the next morning had a wide choice of Asian and Western food, although the choices seemed to be the same every day. The main event was to beat the Chinese tourists to the egg station every morning. Breakfast always included fried eggs, a limited selection of pork, kippered fish, potatoes, rice, fruit, and a very Titanium-dioxide-white white bread After a while, I took to going to the small market behind the lobby, buying some imported Chinese or Japanese nibbly bits and heading to the tunnels for a few breakfast beers before the long hard day’s work. It took almost a week, but I gained the trust of some of the workers in the tunnels and they showed me the on-site microbrewery at the hotel. It produced very passable, and very, very cheap beers of several varieties. Liquid bread. Beer. Is there nothing it can’t do? After breakfast our first day at the hotel, we were told to meet in the Conference Room “Il-sung” as we were going to have a ‘Welcome foreign imperialist scientists’ introduction and indoctrination. Besides our handlers and the shiny-suit squad, there were several Korean folks we didn’t recognize. These were students, scientists, and scholars from the Kim Chaek University of Technology, Kim Il-sung University, the Pyongyang University of Science and Technology; all hailing from Pyongyang, and the University of Geology from North Hwanghae Province. “Oh, marvelous”, Erlen remarked, “It’s going to be a bloody Chautauqua. We’ll be here all day.” “Well”, I replied, “It could be worse. We could be on a bus headed off on another unscheduled road trip.” As we found our seats, our Korean counterparts were busily setting up portable screens, like the ones your grandfather had for showing his 2.1 Googleplex worth of travel slides every Christmas or Thanksgiving get-together. They had a couple of ancient Chinese brand laptops that could have doubled for body armor, they were so thick and heavy. While they fiddled with running cords for the overhead projectors and 16mm film projector; yes, it was going to be movie time as well, the hotel’s restaurant folks wheeled in carts laden with scones, cupcakes, and other sweet sorts of bakery. Another cart was wheeled in with pump-pots of hot water, tea, and coffee. Usual scientific meeting fare. There was one final cart that made the day bearable. It held a pony keg of hotel micro-brewed beer on ice, with several dozen frosty mugs available for all who wanted to partake. There were instantly 12 mugs that were spoken for. I grabbed a cold beer and wandered around the conference room, sipping beer, chewing on an unlit cigar, and just trying to be pleasant to our hosts and their scientific guests. I was surprised when one North Korean professor, who spoke amazingly British-tinged English, offered me a light for my cigar. “Is smoking allowed here?” I asked. “Allowed?” he laughed heartily, “My good man, it’s practically a prerequisite.” “Here then”, I said, offering him a nice, unctuous Camacho, “Try one of mine.” Dr. P'ung Kwang-Seon of the North Korean University of Geology became my instant and lifelong friend at that moment. We had a very nice chat, much to the chagrin of the gray suit cadre, who could hear what we were talking about, but probably didn’t understand anything beyond every 8th word. After a while, we were asked to take our seats, after refreshing our drinks, and introduced to the group of Korean geoscientists we’d be interacting with during our stay here in Best Korea. I tried to record every name, but between the students, other scholars, and professors from the various universities, I decided I’d ask for a list of participants once the day had worn on. After all, they had all our names, references, and resumes if the thick folio they kept referring to was any indication. There were a couple of hours of introductions, as every one of the Korean geoscientists there introduced themselves, mostly through translators, told of their personal area of specialty, and their latest work. Most were what would be considered geoscientists, but oddly enough, not one that you would consider a petroleum geoscientist, however tangentially. There were geomorphologists, structural geologists, petrologists, mineralogists, marine geologists, engineering geologists, and seismologists. However, there were no stratigraphers, sedimentologists, paleontologists, or geochemists. We were all geoscientists, but apart from the obvious Korean:English disparity, it was as if we spoke different scientific languages as well. That would be our first hurdle to overcome. They had no oil industry here; none whatsoever, therefore why one would bother with the geosciences that fed directly into petroleum? That, in and of itself, would make it difficult to explore for oil in the country. Couple that with the fact that they’re so insular, think their version of ‘science’ is the best, at least that’s the official line, and think all other’s ‘science’ is capitalistic, substandard, and inferior doesn’t bode well for your country discovering anything either oily or gassy. We were having another conclave around the beer keg, ack, err…a ‘coffee break’ and I mentioned this fact to my scientific colleagues. “Guys”, I need input here, “We’re going to get precisely nowhere if they won’t even acknowledge that they have major problems from the start.” Ivan replies, “Very true. I’ve seen this before back home. You get a group so entrenched in their own little corner of science, they can’t even accept or acknowledge that others exist. Not only exist but actually know more about a certain problem than do you.” Dax joins the fray, “Sure, that’s very true, but who’s going to tell them this unfortunate fact? They could take that as a personal, national, and global insult. Imagine you’re at an international conference and a bunch of foreigners walk in just to tell you you’ve been doing it all wrong for the last 75 years.” I add, “Remember, though. These characters are scientists as well. I think it’ll be a good measure of seeing what sort of science and scientist we’re dealing with here. If they are truly researchers, they’ll listen to and evaluate what we say as for veracity and accuracy. If they’re just a bunch of Commie goons; no offense, Comrade Academician Ivan, they’ll get all pissed off, kick us out, and we get to go home and enjoy our triple Force Majeure pay.” Ivan walks over and deliberately steps on the toes of my newly polished field boots. “In Soviet Russia, field boots walk on YOU.” He laughs in his heavily inflected, and scary, Soviet-era speech… “Yes, I agree”, Joon adds, “But who is going to address this issue with our hosts? Perhaps one of our Russian comrades, as they are, or were, more politically aligned with our Korean friends and perhaps best understand the issue?” Ack speaks up, grinning maniacally, “No, I disagree. We should have the one person here who so encapsulates the ideologies and political leanings that they love to hate here so much. You know; the quiet, diminutive, and soft-spoken North American…” Dax recoils, “Oh, no! I’m not going out in front of this mob of ornery Orientals…” I smile wanly and tell Dax to cool out. “Relax, Dax. They’re talking about me.” “Oh, yes”, a collective group of voices replies, “Yes. Let out fearless Team Leader break the bad news to our Eastern Colleagues. That way we can gauge their reactions to being bounced around scientifically by a member of the Evil Capitalist Cartel.” “OK”, I reply, “I’ll do it. But be forewarned, my fine feathered fiends. I get stuck on a topic that’s not precisely my bailiwick, I’m going to throw your ass to the wolves. Remember, we’re all in this together.” Whoops, and catcalls were reduced to mumbles and ‘Aw, fucks.’. Chautauqua resumption was called and I asked for the floor. It was a bit off the agenda, but since they’ve been chewing the air for the last several hours, they understood it would be appropriate for us to at least try and get a word in edgewise. I downed my beer, and grabbed a fresh one as what I was going to say was going to be harsh, cut-and-dried, and rather pointed. But delivered in a pleasant manner. I hoped. This all had to be filtered through a series of translators, one for general conversational Korean and another for the more technical and scientific transliterations. I realized I was going to be up here for a while. So, I brought a cigar. One way or another, I was going to deliver our pronouncements and hell, I may as well be comfortable while doing it. . “Greetings and felicitations, my Eastern Colleagues. Let me first say how nice it is to be here in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea as part of the ….” I’m going to fast-forward through all the flowery bullshit and introductory happiness; I’ll going to just cut to the guts of the matter. “…Now, you do know why there has been virtually no oil, gas nor any other hydrocarbon related deposit discovered here in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea?” I asked by way of a rhetorical question. I sipped my beer and lit my cigar. In for a chon, in for a won. I let the buzzing subside on the side of our eastern counterparts. “Because, and please do not take this as insulting or derogatory, but as a statement of irrefutable fact, no one with the proper training nor experience has been looking. You’re historically guilty of applying the science incorrectly and letting dogma and politics guide your search, instead of the scientific method and the facts. Geology, like all natural science, is just as truth based on the facts for a capitalist as it is for a communist. Reality is not influenced by your beliefs, be they scientific or political, secular or spiritual, ‘trusted’ rather than ‘thought’; any more than by your wish that it wouldn’t rain today during a raging thunderstorm.” Little Boy over Hiroshima was dropped with less effect. Our Democratic People's Republic of Korea colleagues erupted into a chaotic mixture of stuttering, internecine yelling, accusations, and sputtering. Calling for decorum, I figured that since I was this far gone, I may as well push the plunger all the way to the bottom. “Gentlemen, I do not denigrate the science of geology as taught and practiced here in Best Korea.” I actually said that, sort of a slip of the tongue. Continuing, “However, one would not fish for Bluefin tuna from a rowboat in a pond with a fly rod. One does not hunt bear in the city with a slingshot. Just as one doesn’t search for oil and gas with mining engineers, geomorphologists, and seismologists.” I let that sink in and after the translation, they calmed a bit and wanted to hear the rest of what I had to say. I could sense a couple was less than thrilled with what I had to say, but forging onward… “One fishes for Bluefin tuna in the deep ocean with huge rods, reels and a specialist boat captained by someone with deep experience in hunting the elusive fish. One hunts bear in the proper environment, the taiga or forest, with the proper tools and guided by one with the education, learnedness, and experience to know how to make the hunt come out successful.” Hit them with some analogies they can relate to and digest. Now, go for the carotid. “Just like one does not hunt oil and gas without stratigraphers, sedimentologists, geophysicists, petrophysicists, and other oil and gas experts who have the education, experience, and knowledge to know where to look. Knowing which environment looks most conductive to hide your quarry, if you’ll pardon the pun, and how best to find them, the guys who know how to corral and de-risk them once you find them, and the engineers and technologists who know how to bring them to the surface so they can be utilized.” They had stopped being irritated and were listening in rapt attention. “My colleagues and I have spent the last few days going over, in detail the geology of your country. There is nothing we can see that would preclude the development, entrapment, and preservation of economic quantities of oil and gas. Ture, the geology is quite complex as is the structural history of the entire peninsula. That’s one other thing you will have to accept. Geology doesn’t give the tiniest shit about political boundaries. One must look at the big picture, and that doesn’t stop at some man-made borders. Ignore that fact at your peril, because if you continue to view the geology here as not existing across political boundaries, you are preadapting yourself for failure.” Drs. Ivan, Volna, and Morse make certain that everyone sees the ex-Soviets agreeing with the bushy-bearded, cigar-chomping American capitalist. “So,” I said, hoping to bring this little spit-balling session to a fortuitous close, “If we can have an agreement; scientific agreement, on these points, then I am certain we can find a way forward with not only this discussion but the program we can devise for the best Korean (notice phase shift?) geologists to take the project forward both scientifically soundly and economically successful.” My North Korean counterpart gets up from his seat in the conference room, goes to the keg, taps a couple of beers and walks up to the podium where I was standing. “Thank you, Dr. Rocknocker, for saying what needed to be said”, he spoke in perfect English as he handed me a beer. I grinned and gratefully accepted the beer. “Why, Dr. Chang Kwang-Su”, I said, as that was his name, “You old fraud. You do speak English; and very well, I must add.” “Yes, almost all of us do”, he relayed, “But, as you said, we are most reserved. We were more or less under orders of the ‘most illustrious’, to play coy, and act as if we spoke no English.” “I see.” I said, “I’ve worked in several FSU countries as well as Russia and saw that there as well. I guess old habits die hard.” “That they do, Doctor.”, he replied, “But, we must now tell you the truth. We knew exactly what you said is true, and we agree. We are not as totally insulated from the outside world as some suspect.” “Well, I was going on what your superiors related to us. Like the police that had all their toilets stolen, I had nothing else to go on.” I replied. “Ah, ha! Quite!”, he chuckled, “We had long suspected that we were lacking in certain areas of scholarship. What you said cements that fact as it was an independent conclusion. We can now present that to our superiors with the caveat that unless we bolster work and training in these areas, the hunt of hydrocarbon resources here will be for naught.” “I am relieved”, I said, truthfully. “I was slightly concerned that some might take umbrage to being told their science is not up to specifications. I tried to be the bearer of that bad news but deliver it gently. Here, I find you need that to use that as a truncheon to smack one’s boss upside the head and tell him that an upgrade is required. And fast.” “Ah, so”, he replies, “We are in total agreement. Now that is out of the way, we would appreciate it if you’d help in designing a course of study for up and coming local geoscientists. Then, we can go forward with a great plan to search for oil and gas here in…Korea. Correct?” “Absolutely”, I remarked, “You’ve got over 400 man-years of science and exploration expertise here in this room alone. Let’s shoot for the moon, so to speak. Let’s get you up to speed on scientific journals and articles that are available out there in all of academia and industry. Let’s get you communicating on a global basis. Let’s prove that you can talk science with global scientists and still not have it affect your political or nationalistic aspirations one little bit. Let’s see if we can drag you, figuratively speaking, kicking and screaming, into the 21st century.” “Doctor”, Dr. Chang remarked, “You are the embodiment of what we were always told what Americans are. Brash, loud, confident, and evil. Except for evil, you are American as we were led to believe.” “Hey, I take that as a compliment”, I exclaim. “You think that’s bad, I’ve got a bunch of earnest Europeans, raucous Russians, and a couple of cagey Canadians on my side as well. Before we’re finished here, we’ll have you ordering hachee, dining on Caldo Verde, snacking on salmiakki, drinking Russkaya vodka with Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, eating poutine, and rooting for the Packers.” “Doctor, I don’t know what half of that means, but I hope it comes to pass. It sounds most fascinating.” Dr. Chang chuckles. The rest of the day was spent with various groups crystallizing and breaking off from the main crowd; then reforming as different groups. This was good, as it showed an interest across not only national borders but across ideologies and scientific specialties. Most everyone here spoke English with some degree of fluency, so the translators were called in only occasionally. I made certain they were included in everything that transpired that day. I want everyone to feel ‘part of the team’. How better to show the classlessness of Western science to include everyone in on both sides of every discussion and activity? To be continued…
The cute little play that goes in the beginning of Cirque du Requin: Mephi: In Patchwork London, what unfolds before us is the story of three happy little girls. Now then, I wonder I wonder. What clutches of evil await these little ones? What is this that they deeply wish for? We hope you’d enjoy yourself until the very end! Mephi: Oh yeah I forgot. This goes without saying but no recording allowed okay? (he then screams “there are no dreams” but I don’t really get what the hell that’s about)
Rhyme: Let’s step, let’s kick, and dance away! (errr, kick-step dance?) No matter how you do it, you’ll end up in the pot all the same! Lily: Mister Dolphin, oh Mister Dolphin, what did you see that made you bounce? What did you see that made you howl? I don’t understand a word you’re saying! Reese: (queck queck!) Rhyme: Does everyone bring chocolate with you? Mine and yours and Mister Dolphin’s, we have in total 3 pieces! Now let’s go on a picnic, all the way to the moon!
Uncle Napnap: Wow wow, hold up there you two. No matter how you think about it, walking from here all the way to the moon is no easy journey! If you give me a piece of choc, I’ll take you to the end of the moon, so how about it? The girls: Please take us, pretty please! Please take us to the moon right away! Uncle Napnap: Then off you two go, quick, get inside my cannon! It’ll be a hell of a show, kaboom!, just like that! Now, let’s go! ARC DE TRIOMPHE DE L’ETOILE! (fwoosh~!)
Rhyme: Huh? I wonder if this is really the moon? Aren’t there supposed to be rabbits on the moon! There are no rabbits here, as the matter of fact there is not a single chicken feather to be found! Ishtar: Myyyy, my my my. What a shame, what a shame! Because this is actually Venus. Looks like you girls got your cannon trajectory all wrong! I get a lot of stray kids like you around here, so I give you my dearest welcome! Of course, I welcome you, as an addition to my labor force! Lily: No way! Ishtar: Hehehe, you’re not going to the moon or anywhere else. You’re going to slave away here forever! Automata: Labor, labor, labor is fun, and labor is happiness. You’ll find your happiness in absolutely nothing but labor.
Rhyme: This is bad, this is really bad! We have been doing nothing but harsh labor all this time! But we have no cannons here, and dumb dumb Napnap is not with us anymore! Have we no ways left to go to the moon? Ibachin: Wut wut, wut’s all the fuzz. You want to me to take you to the moon to play there, is that it? If you gimme a piece of choc, I’ll send you flying to the moon with double the fanfare! Lily: Then I’ll give you my chocolate! Please take us to the moon safe and sound! Ibachin: Worry not, worry not. Om nom nom. (TRANSFORM!) So yummy! Now get ready, for the great firework of Mount Ooe shall blast you off to the moon! Let’s go! ENCOMIUM MORIAE! (boom!)
Rhyme: We made it! My my, I wonder if this is the moon? Artemis: Yep yep. You got that right. An oh-so-much-fun dreamy lunar world is waiting for you up ahead! But do you bring chocolate with you? If you have only one piece, I cannot allow more than a single person to enter the lunar world, you know? Rhyme: My, I can’t believe this! I have no choco left! Lily: Then it cannot be helped. Please let Rhyme in. I will stay here. Nursery, enjoy the lunar world okay? Rhyme: My my, how could I do such a thing! If Jeanne won’t go then I’ll stay with her too. We’ll return to the pot together! Reese: … Lily: Mister Dolphin? Why are you holding up the chocolate? Reese: (bites!) The girls: Ah! The piece is broken up! Orion: Hmm hmm hmph! Not bad, Dolphin! Now the chocolate has been broken up into two pieces. Now there is no problem right, Artemis? Artemis: Yep yep, things are peachy now. Let’s take them to the lunar world. Rhyme: Thank you, thank you so much Mister Dolphin! Reese: (happy noises)
Rhyme: This picnic is so much fun! But I wonder if there is something missing? Lily: You too Nursery? I also think we’re missing somebody! Rhyme: That’s right, it’s that girl! This won’t do, we must return to the pot at once! Lily: You’re right. If we want to play in the lunar world, we can always bring chocolate with us and return tomorrow! Rhyme: Let’s bring a whole lot! For dumb dumb Napnap, for meanie Ishtar, for chomp chomp Ibachin, and of course for Mister Dolphin too! Let’s have a picnic with everybody!
Jack: Daddy, daddy! Please listen to our request! Sanson: Oh dear, what could it be my little angels? The girls: We want to be taken to the moon! So give us lots and lots of chocolate, pretty please!
Sieg: Let’s register first. Oh, you there, got a moment? Marie: Welcome to Cirque du requin! Oh my, oh my oh my. You guys are here to have a Swimsuit Swordsmaster duel right? Gudao: yep. Hokusai replies with her usual MUST BECOME BEST MIZUGI KENGOU stuff. Marie: Actually, you need the Challenge Letter first... but well, a mock fight is fine too! Since there haven’t been a lot of challengers lately, Jeanne has been lonely. But please wait a lil bit. If the little guy is hungry, it could get messy! Everybody at the same time: The little guy? Gudao: Who?? Marie: well, since Jeanne has been strict on him, I think it’ll be fine! (In Jeanne’s room) Jeanne:giggles there there, good boy. Looks like another challenger has come. Let’s do our best! (Outside) Marie: Jeanne! Is now a good time? Jeanne: Coming Marie! What’s the matter? Marie: You got a challenger, I brought em to your room! How’s his tummy? Jeanne: He ate a whole lot earlier so I think he’s peppy! Hoku: I dunno what they’re on about but I’m getting strange chills, maybe this is a bad idea. N-No, if I get cold feet here how can I ever call myself an Edokko! Hereeee I Co- (Door opens) Jeanne: Morning! An actual, floating shark: Playtime. Hoku: -mee....... (Everybody freezes for 5 seconds) Gudao: RETREEAAAAAT!!! Jeanne: Welcome to Cirque du Requ- hu-huh? Marie: Jeanne, everybody ran. Jeanne: No way... why do all my challengers run back as soon as they arrive here! Marie: Maybe it’s the little guy, no...? Jeanne: Whatchu mean, he’s cute as a button no? My Reese XP. Reese XP (an actual, floating shark): Playtime. Marie: Yeah, I think he’s super cute too! (Srsly Marie??) You agree Deon? Deon: I stand by my right to give no comments, Your Highness! Jeanne & Marie: Eeeeh~ Deon: Why are you two tilting your heads at me! Oh, so Jeanne continues to hypnotize people into her slav- siblings it seems. And still with her fists. Jeanne: Jeez. What’s with the sour face. You’ll make your sister sad okay? ...that’s right. I’m not a holy woman here. Melt: My. Then what could you be? Jeanne: Yep, I’m Gudao-kun’s... BIG SIS! Melt: I see, big sis. ...biggu sissu? Errr... what are you talking about. You’re a Heroic Spirit right? A Servant right? Not someone from Japan right? Sieg: What’s wrong Master. Your face is pale... Gudao: I HAVE A FEELING THAT PERSON WAS MY BIG SIS! (Yep it’s a continuation of that Summer 3 node where Jeanne hypnotized Jalter and Lily into her slav- siblings. WITH HER FISTS) Musashi: Huh, big sis. Hoku: Uh huh, big sis. Everybody: BUT WHY DOU Jeanne: Jeez, you sis is sadface desu. I never thought my brother’d be my opponent! But unfortunately, there is no way out of this. You will learn that lil brothers can never win against big sisters, with that body of yours errrrrrrr I mean with my gentle teachings! Okkie: I think I just heard her true intention in full open just now! We’re in deep shit, she’s the same type as MechaEli-chan! 😭 Convo with Orion:
Artemis: Oh, you plan to challenge Jeanne, right?
Orion: Be careful. With Jeanne, and also with that shark. (sobs) Even though that chick looks to be perfectly within my strike zone… it’s like, my head keeps flashing warnings like “no touchy, that chick is totally bad news”… Just like the first time I met Artemis! Just like the first time I met Artemis! No shit, my brain actually repeated twice like that, purely for emphasis.
Sieg: I see now. However, mind if I have a question, Lord Orion?
Orion: wut?
Sieg: Why did that warning let Lord Artemis pass the radar?
Artemis: D A R-L I N G ?
Orion: EEKKK! Man it’s been a while since the last time we had this kinda conversation!
Artemis: Yeah we haven’t been doing our comedy routine in a while. THEN HOW ABOUT I LET YOU HAVE A TASTE OF MY “LUNATIC BEAM” RIGHT NOW? Orion: That’s your biggest gun ain’t it! E M P L E H!!! (he’s then promptly squeezed into silence)
Also, in the end of the node when Gudao is about to snap back into his ANE trance, Melt whips him out of it with a move called “Comfy Mystic Sword Gisele.” Aww, even when she’s being sadistic she still goes gentle on us, what a sweetie.
You are about to ask Kintoki to help level-upping Public Decency Raikou’s motherhood when a monster suddenly shows up on the street; looks like Tamamo’s glamor has leaked out too much, so somehow a magical beast has turned into an enemy.
Kinbro: No way around this, we’ll just have to talk after I’m done teaching this guy how to behave! Hmm? Waita minute. Isn’t this pattern where we’re supposed to do “that?” This is our chance to say that line, ain’t it!
Gudao: Excuse me!
Kinbro: Hey, don’t you bastards dare start fighting before we do this, okay!
Musashi: I have absolutely no clue either, but it’s like some kinda token word that feels good when you say it!
(then you fight a Hawaiian chicken that is named “Wyvern?”)
Kintoki’s reaction to our plan with Raikou: Kinbro: That’s a dangerous gamble you’re making, Master. Right now general Raikou’s power is that of a Public Decency Chairwoman. If you up her motherhood attribute, she might just go back to being a Zerk. But as a Berserker, she’ll definitely say things like “it’s absurd to let my son (read: Master) do something like fighting a shark!” and turn this summer break into a mountain of homework. Tamamo: What, are you still in elementary school or something? >_> How Tamamo goes about pushing Raikou’s button:
Raikou: …I see. You’re telling me you want to defeat the Swimsuit Swordsmaster Servants.
Kinbro: Exactly, General Raikou.
Raikou: I do wish to assist you very much… but to begin with, the fact that this Swimsuit Swordsmaster tournament exists, itself is indecent. All of you, be good children and stay where you are. As one who upholds public decency, I shall put an end to everything by myself.
Kinbro: Nah nah nah. Then it would be pointless. It won’t mean a damn if Master himself doesn’t participate properly in the tourney, you see?
Raikou: But… (poor woman, worrying about her son gawking at swimsuits 😭) Tamamo: Now now. Master, won’t you just let Raikou-san handle everything for us?
Raikou: Whu- Ah, you’re… Tamamo no Mae! Among the list of indecent Servants, you’re the biggest offender…! Tamamo: You got that right. With that said, we’ll leave eeeeeeeverything to you okay, Raikou-san? Meanwhile, me and Master will enjoy our vacation to our hearts’ content! Hurry hurry Master. First, let’s us take a dip in the pool. After swimming, we’ll rub sun oil for each other, massage each other, clean ears for each other… (no shit I would clean Tamamo’s ears, those fluffs look too damn soft!) Raikou: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!! D-Do you think I would allow such things! Banned! Each and every one of them is banned! Tamamo: Huh~ But you see~ If Raikou-san can allow yourself to get so worked up, why can’t you cut Master some slack too? Raikou: That’s…! But, uh, I mean… umm… (sobs ༼ಢ_ಢ༽) Gudao: (Kinbro...! / Should we really be bullying her like this…!?) Kinbro: (This might be mean-spirited, but at times like this, you must bring out your inner oni, Master!) Tamamo: C’mon c’mon. Won’t you spend your summer days indulging in oozing sweetness with this onee-san? <3 Kinbro: (You’re something, Fox… no matter how you look at this, it’s a deadly honeytrap, but deep within your eyes there ain’t a speck of a smile… Is this the real nature of a courtesan?... no wait, Fox did claim that she had nothing to do with courtesan stuff…) (yes this is a reference to Daji)
Then after the plan has succeeded…
Hoku: Yep. I’m still an amateur but I have faced some real deals. I’m getting better at this swordsman business.
Raikou: That’s wonderful. However… from examining the battle just now, there is still redundancy in your swordplay. On the way to the hotel, I’ll teach you a couple of tricks on how to deal with onis and ogres. Tamamo: Wow there I’m catching bad vibes so this is where Tamamo-chan will be showing herself out! (whispers closely) If you do need a breather, you can come to my room at any time <3 Well, see ya!
Mashu: Senpai senpai… just what kind of things did Tamamo-san just say to you? Ah, you turned your face away! Senpaaai, senpaaaaaaai!
Since Mephis thinks it’s a waste to just let a ridiculous duel like us trying to fight back brainwashing big sis, he comes up with an equally wacky storyline for us to act as a play while actually dueling. So this is it.
Mephi: Tonight, our story is a tall tale of swindlers. It’s about the amusing life of a man who proclaims to have severed the Italian peninsula and attached it to Greece… Now then, please enjoy!
Roma: …Oh? I see. Gudao: Though it may sound very painful, this is totally the will of God. Roma: Very well. No matter the place, no matter if it’s in Greece, Roma is Roma. I too am Roma. Severing the peninsula too, is Roma.
Hector: Wut, the Italian peninsula is coming over to play? I mean, whatever floats your boat, man. Ah, but what will we do about the taxes? They’ll probably make us pay won’t they.
Citizen A: Hey folks have you heard! Looks like they’re gonna chopped off our entire peninsula and attach it to Greece! B: Now ain’t that something! If we become Italian, we’ll get to climb Mount Olympus! A: Kudos! Kudos! Kudos to the folks who are chopping off our peninsula!
Hoku: Yep we’re totally doing it! The king has given us a go. Now all we have to do is to lop this peninsula’s head clean off! I can’t wait, I just can’t wait. This is exactly why I love scams and swindles! Jeanne: Wow there, I won’t let you have you way, my lil brother! If you cut off this peninsula, there will be a giant boot floating over the Mediterranean Sea. I won’t allow you to make a boot island appear out of nowhere! As your big sis I must put a stop to your scheme no matter what, as a your big sis I repeat! Hey, don’t you two agree!? Lily: Yeah! Only bad people do scams and swindles. Even Bunyan knows that if you lie, your nose will grow! Jalter: tbh I’d rather be on that side. Welp, at the moment I’m here tho. So be a good boy and obey your sisters! Gudao: (I knew it, these two are brainwashed too…!) Actually, there are a couple of funny parallels between the “Family Flag” node in Summer 3 and this part of Summer 4. FYI the thing with Jeanne brainwashing people into her slaves siblings has been going on since Summer 3, with Jeanne trying to claim Gudao as the newest member of the “Jeanne siblings” while Jalter and Lily tried to stop her delusion from going out of hands (spoiler: they failed).
Summer 3:
Jalter: Listen here, “Master-chan.” When it has come to this, you must toughen your heart and firmly reject her rambling. If you don’t you’re just allowing her to come up with some crazier delusions! Lily: Oh no, even the me who should be clean and proper has gone kooky under Luluhawa heat… I knew it, winter! Winter has got to be the best! Please come early, winter! Jeanne: What should I do, my lil brother. I didn’t think they would catch on so slowly. There is no helping it, I guess I’ll just have to resort to persuasion (read: my fist).
Jeanne: MODE CHANGE! (she changes into her dolphin coach swimsuit and Reese also appropriately appears. It still floats in the air, of course.) Lily: Yay, it’s Mister Dolphin! How do you do, Mister Dolphin! Reese: (shows a jaw full of teeth) Lily: It’s scary when the mouth opens! Jalter: What are you doing there Lily! This whackjob is planning to brainwash us with her fist! Fight her now or else Master will become our little brother! (after the fight) Jalter: (dejected) You’re my brother. Lily: Yay! Even though I’m the youngest child I got a little brother now! (...and the morning after) Jalter: Wait, now I remember! You’re not my little brother, right!? Lily: Yeah, Master is my older brother! Gudao: (The brainwashing effect still hasn’t cleared…)
Summer 4:
Jeanne: Grrr…! It’s not over yet! Go, Reese XP! Reese XP: ME – WANT – PLAY. Lily: To be honest, even if it’s my ally I’m still scared… Jalter: I’m more scared of a crazy big sister tho. (...and after the fight) Jeanne: What a… humiliating defeat…! I am... not… your big sister…! Gudao: Of course you’re not my big sister! Jalter: Ah… now that you remind me! This woman is not my big sister! Lily: I knew it… the summer heat is making us hallucinating…! Jeanne: Ugh… I can’t believe that… that you’re not my blood-related little brother…! Gudao: She’s still not giving up! And that's all I wanna do for this event. There is a bit during Casino Camelot where Fergus is so horny but the girls ignore him to sail their yuri ship so he’s like “a Medjed is fine too” but it’s not as ridiculous as the previous casinos so I’ll pass on translating any more. Anniversary and Summer 2020 are coming and I have no quartz left, truly the worst roastbelt _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):
Dragon Quest XI: Echoes of an Elusive Age takes everything to love about classic JRPGs and refines them to their utmost. The result? Absolute brilliance. If you had to pick just one JRPG to own on a modern platform, then let it this be the one.
Enix, and by proxy Square, have found myriad ways to repackage the journey of Dragon Quest and Dragon Quest XI: Echoes of an Elusive Age proves that they haven't run out of ideas yet. It's one of the easier modern Dragon Quests to get into precisely because it gets back to basics. If you've been pining for an older-school character-focused RPG instead of the player-created party focus of IX and the MMO aspect of X, the wait has ended.
Digitally Downloaded - Matt Sainsbury - 5 / 5 stars
Dragon Quest XI is, from end to end, an iconic example of everything that Dragon Quest has stood for since way back in the 80's. It's charming and has a colourful energy that makes it very hard to put down.
If you have been missing the pure, genuine adventuring encouraged by the JRPGs of old, and you have been eager to see what the most traditional incarnation of the genre could achieve when paired with top-notch production values, this is most definitely the game for you.
Dragon Quest XI brings the legendary Japanese RPG franchise to consoles (properly) for the first time in 13 years, and it's a mostly fantastic new chapter of the series. Its story, gameplay, characters, and visuals all work to blend timeless series elements with newer-era genre refinements, and most of the time, the results are great. Unfortunately, there are a few times when honoring tradition is a weakness, not a strength—most specifically in the case of the game's protagonist.
However, for those who have fallen in love with the genre, and grew up adoring Dragon Quest, Final Fantasy, and others, this game is the ultimate expression of the traditional JRPG.
I have a weird love-hate relationship with Dragon Quest XI: Echoes of an Elusive Age. At times, its nostalgic, its nicely written story and its unique design just blows me away but at other times, I simply hate its poorly designed interfaced, its lack of innovation and the simple fact that it never dares to try anything new. When it does something, it does it perfectly, but it simply doesn't feel enough in 2017. It plays it way too safe for its own good.
If you've been waiting since DQVIII for a Dragon Quest title to hit your PlayStation, you'll be glad it's finally here. It may not do a lot to push the genre forward, but like the game's design so clearly sets out to do, Dragon Quest XI is an homage to the JRPG and its fans. It's an immense, addictive, and joyful experience from the first moment on. I cannot recommend it enough.
It is indeed one of the best games in a series of greats, and a JRPG that is without a doubt an instant classic. One I will undoubtedly cherish for many years to come.
Dragon Quest XI is the perfect game to kick off the annual Fall glut of games, simply based on the merits of it being a massive sprawling JRPG that could easily carry you into the Winter months if you want it to. There's so much to do and it's so easily to get lost for hours just exploring the world trying to find the right materials to craft some better gear, or to finish up that side-quest that you picked up in Puerto Valor, or maybe the casino is more your style? Dragon Quest XI is easily one of the best JRPGs this generation, and it would be a shame if you missed it.
Dragon Quest XI is a stellar game that displays a great command of the ins and outs of its genre the way few other games can and do. What it lacks in originality, it more than makes up for with its confident execution of ideas, showing that a game doesn't need to be revolutionary or the freshest thing on the block to be an incredible experience. With a memorable cast of characters, a well-told, briskly paced story, stunning and vibrant visuals, and a beautiful and extremely varied world as its setting, Dragon Quest XI serves as yet another excellent instalment in this amazingly consistent franchise.
Dragon Quest XI is a big game with lots to see and do, and you won't breeze through the game in a weekend. If you are willing to put in the time and see it to the end, though, the game is highly rewarding as a JRPG with a surprising amount of depth. Some of its larger story moments are enjoyable in their own right even if they can be derivative or are mere shadows of specific moments from classics of the genre, but while the game may not reinvent the JRPG, I had a blast making my way across Erdrea.
Dragon Quest series hit its peak with Dragon Quest XI offering one of the most engaging stories in a JRPG full of unforgettable characters and a turn-based combat system that can tailor to your experience. This is a classic JRPG that is worthy of being considered one of the best games released this generation.
Dragon Quest XI Echoes of an Elusive Age is as much of an homage to the older Dragon Quest titles as it is a new step foward for the series. With a great story, a superb set of characters and loads of content to discover, Dragon Quest XI is one of the best JRPG to come out in recent years
Dragon Quest XI excels when it emphasizes fighting bad guys, exploring dungeons, and finding treasure. It’s a visual feast populated by a cast of colorful monsters more engrossing than its main characters. Uneven story beats and some icky bits sometimes slow Dragon Quest down, but superb mechanics remain the focus, making Echoes of an Elusive Age a top-tier JRPG for the modern age.
Dragon Quest XI: Echoes of an Elusive Age is not a perfect game but it is a perfect Dragon Quest. Full of winks dedicated to his most loyal followers, but also thought for the good grade to new generations.
Dragon Quest XI: Echoes of an Elusive Age is a phenomenal game that JRPG fans will want to play. The brief break gave Dragon Quest XI a chance to improve a number of things and that certainly paid off. The storyline is interesting and engaging, something that will suck players in and hold their attention until the very end. And, outside of the main story, there is a wide variety of things for players to do. Needless to say, if you feel like recent JRPGs have been lacking, then you'll probably enjoy Dragon Quest XI: Echoes of an Elusive Age.
DQ XI is classic in its shape,despite some additions and new features, but the game managed to surprise us in a beautiful way due to its scenario. Epic and surprising for the series, he will affect palyers looking for a very good JRPG with texts translated into french. We would have liked to have a better technique especially for the score. But its richness, its characters are also here to give us a nice adventure. And it's seems obvious that all the fans have to buy the game.
In conclusion, everything I have said about Dragon Quest XI being one of the best games of all time is definitely correct, because I played the game in Japanese for 300 hours. I wouldn't have done that if it weren't a masterpiece.
Dragon Quest XI is one of the best games ever made. From its deep gameplay and charming characters to its gorgeous visuals and stunning music, Echoes of an Elusive Age is a game that no one should miss out on.
PlayStation LifeStyle - Lucas White - 9 / 10.0
I have my issues with Dragon Quest XI: Echoes of an Elusive Age. It's a bit clunky when it tries to pretend it's cool like other video games. I wish I had vocations instead of skill points to play with, and it would be nice if I could get from point A to B a bit faster, or have more to do along the way. But at the same time, I found myself engrossed in the usual grind I've come to love over the years, the silly and fantastical creatures from my favorite artist, and the storytelling that met and even rattled my expectations. There's even a neat little crafting system I didn't have room to mention, secrets to find, and of course hours and hours of post-game content. If you want to go on an adventure, and I mean a real adventure that tugs on your heartstrings, makes you smile, and yells puns at you constantly, do not sleep on Dragon Quest XI.
PlayStation Universe - Garri Bagdasarov - 10 / 10.0
An incredible achievement, and even after 150 hours in we didn't want it to end. From an emotional story, simple yet engaging combat, and gorgeous visuals. Dragon Quest XI: Echoes of an Elusive Age is simply remarkable and shouldn't be missed.
Dragon Quest 11 is a beautiful example of what a JRPG can be after 30 years of lovingly guided evolution. Its success is irrevocably tethered to those decades of development, though, and that means you probably already know if this is a game for you. If you're not already one of the faithful, Dragon Quest 11 is unlikely to make you a convert.
Dragon Quest XI is the best looking in the long running franchise, and at its core, while unchanged, remains solid and funny. Still, we would like to see some major changes and improvements in the next installment.
While Dragon Quest XI: Echoes of an Elusive Age doesn't push the boundaries of RPG design in any new way, it is an enjoyable and refined return to the Dragon Quest franchise. Some might decry its lack of ambition, but for fans of the genre and the series, new experiences like this are few and far between.
If you're a fan of Dragon Quest VIII, you'll find a lot to love about Dragon Quest XI. Its character-driven plot and skill system recall the series' breakout PlayStation 2 installment, though Dragon Quest XI's lively world and expressive monsters lend it a unique feeling and flavor. Some fans might feel let-down about Dragon Quest XI's lack of job system or other options that let you fine-tune every aspect of your party (what I wouldn't give to see Dragon Quest V's monster-friending system make a return), but if you're in the market for a turn-based RPG that feels nostalgic but doesn't force you to deal with old genre mechanics, you won't find a better quest.
Dragon Quest XI is an incredible example of how to take a classic series and modernize it with updated graphics and voice acting while still keeping what made the original so charming. If the story stayed strong all the way through, it would be my favorite in the series hands-down. Nevertheless, it's still in the top three Dragon Quests that I've ever played.
This isn't the end-all, be-all of JRPGs, but it's still a damn fine Dragon Quest game, not to mention a great introduction to the genre for newcomers. Think of it as JRPG comfort food and you'll have no trouble whatsoever.
Formatting provided by OpenCritic. (Will be updated as reviews come in.)
Here is how to make the most of a one-week Mediterranean cruise and see as much of Europe that one can possibly manage in one week. I planned our cruise to minimize any unpleasant surprises and yet leave room to be spontaneous and adventurous. This article is not about cruise ships and you do not have to be a fan of cruises as my trip was mostly on land other than the overnight cruising. I felt that at the age of 57, I had delayed Europe long enough and with my busy business schedule, the cruise was the only way to get a snapshot of three countries and six cities in 10 days total, plus two days for flying from and to Canada. My wife does not like cruises, and I was left to travel with Lucas, our seventeen-year-old! In August 2018, Lucas and I flew to Barcelona, Spain, the embarking port for the Norwegian, Epic cruise ship. It was our very first time on a cruise and our very first time to Europe except for England. I do not recommend August or July for this trip as it is high season for local tourism, and it is too hot to walk the cities (well too hot for me). However, if you have kids in school, then you understand that it must be summer, unless you choose to go without them. Our ship would mostly cruise at nighttime giving us a full day from 7 am to 6 pm in most cities. That was perfect for me because there is only so much staring at water I can enjoy, and spending time in a tiny casino or eating non-stop are not my kind of pastime. If you are a cruise fan, then Norwegian Epic is great. They have about 10 wonderful restaurants, a superbly well-organized huge buffet with great selection of international food, a nice water park on the upper deck, and even a youth club with games, music, and dance to keep your teens entertained. Every evening after our long city walk, Lucas and I enjoyed a nice meal after our shower and then watched a show or a musical performance before we hit the sack in our comfortable balcony room. I do not like closed spaces and a balcony room was well worth the small difference in price, even though we did not have much time to be on the balcony. Epic was also completely renovated in 2015, which meant it was clean and up to date on amenities. Always check the year the ship was build or was renovated before committing to a cruise. Our cruise had stops in these cities: 1- Barcelona, Spain - embarking a. visit Gothic centre, La Rambla, La Sagrada Familia church, Park Güell, 2- Naples,Italy a. Rented a car and drove to Sorrento (an hour drive) 3- Rome, Italy a. Took the train to the city centre and then the city tour-bus to Vatican City, San Angelo Castle, Piazza di Spagna – drove past Colosseum 4- Florence and Pisa tower, Italy – walking tour, site seeing 5- Cannes and Nice,France – walking tour, site seeing 6- Mallorca (Majorca), Spain - took a taxi to Palma Nova beach, swam and chilled What to pack? We traveled very light with one carryon and a backpack. The backpack was for our extra stuff and NOT for touring the city. I do not recommend walking with a backpack, even less in the summer. Other than the usual travel items, here are some essentials I had to buy. 1- Light and cool walking shoes that were comfortable for walking and cool for summer. I bought a pair of nice leather sandals with good support and solid straps for walking. Also packed a pair of dress shoes for evening dinner on the ship and exercise shoes that I never used! 2- Summer shirts. I ordered some European collared Linen shirts. They look nice, are cool, and comfortable. www.bensherman.com has a good selection of those if you live in Canada or USA. Pack lots of tees for less formal places. 3- A couple of dress pants (linen and or khaki) for the evening restaurant and shows and dress shorts for long walks. 4- Beach sandal and swimming trunk for the Beach in Mallorca which I ended up buying in Cannes 5- Your credit card, Euro currency, and travel documents of course. Leave them in the safety box in your room and only take what you need for the day. Barcelona, Spain: We arrived Barcelona three days ahead of schedule to experience one city for more than just a day. We stayed at the Boutique Hotel Violeta (http://violetaboutique.com/home/) in the centre of the city and only three blocks from the Plaza Catalunya. It was the best and most centric location in my opinion. I loved the hotel. Violeta was a small hotel that reminded me of my apartment in Buenos Aires. The hotel is in a residential apartment building where they had turned two floors into hotel rooms. The Gothic architecture offered us a giant completely renovated room with a very high ceiling. We had two queen size beds in our room, a sitting area and plenty of open space. The reception was extremely helpful with information, and being small, made check-in a breeze. Violeta Boutique also included a European coffee and pastry breakfast but if you wanted an American breakfast, there was a small cafe next door on the street level and plenty of other options within a three-block radius. Our three days in Barcelona coincided with the Fiesta de Gracia (thanksgiving!) which was a 20-minute bus ride from Plaza Catalunya. I had bought a 10-ride Metro-Bus pass (Credit card size) from the Metro (subway, underground) station at Catalunya. Fiesta de Gracia was in the Garcia neighborhood where all the streets were colourfully decorated by the residents and live bands played all night on the streets and restaurants had set outdoor patios. The music was free, the food was reasonably priced, and people were jolly. It was my second favourite part of our time in Barcelona and we went there two evenings. Barcelona Gothic city From the airport, we took a bus straight to Plaza Catalunya (Plaça de Catalunya) in 20 minutes and then walked three blocks to our hotel. I had the hotel directions Googled (searched) in advance. I am fluent in Spanish (the Argentine version) so taking public transit was natural for me. Although Barcelona is a destination for international tourism and most people in the industry seem to speak English. I bought a SIM card for my phone (which was unlocked in advance) at the airport for €30 from Vodafone (https://www.vodafone.com/) that gave me 10 Gig of mobile data covering most of Europe for up to a month. It did not include coverage on the cruise ship. La Rambla and the old Gothic city in Barcelona were 10 to 15-minute walk from our hotel or Plaza Catalunya. You want to spend half a day walking this area, watching the beautiful shops, the narrow streets of Gothic centre and try a street café or restaurant. La Sagrada Familia is a must see for its architecture alone. We took a bus there, but you must purchase tickets in advance if you plan to go inside on a specific day and skip the long lineup. This is another half-day venture unless you want to tour the outside which is fascinating enough. I found it amazing to see how much craft and detail was offered to decorate the exterior of the building. It is no wonder that the new extension brings a modern and plain contrast that just does not quite match the elegance and masterful craftsmanship of the old. https://preview.redd.it/vtg8evyjdv851.jpg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=777149d10c02a875134f6fab5d5ae73072cbf3b7 Park Guell is another 20-minute bus ride to the higher altitudes of Barcelona. It is a beautiful park with some very interesting structures left behind. It was a good half-day break from the city to relax and enjoy the nature. You can also see the entire city from the top. Restaurant can be pricey in the touristy Plaça de Catalunya area. I managed to venture a couple of blocks off the main streets and find some local small restaurants. We had a great satisfying meal at a fantastic price and mingled with the residents. I even found a little Italian owned pizza place! Of course, we also tried the more refined tapas restaurants. After all, we were tourists. Naples, Italy: The longest leg of our cruise was from Barcelona to Naples which took a full day at sea. That was perfect because it provided us the opportunity to navigate the ship and the amenities, learn the evening programs, browse the list of restaurants, and to start our reservations. I did not think that Naples had enough to interest me for the whole day and I hungered to see the Amalfi coast. Amalfi coast was too far for a day trip, so I decided that Sorrento and maybe Positano would be close enough. I rented a car from Hertz in advance which was a five-minute walk from the port. The car cost me about $150 Canadian, tax included! Luckily, I still remembered how to drive standard transmission (stick-shift). We made it to Sorrento on the scenic highway with no problem. Traffic did slow at some points giving the driver (me) an opportunity to enjoy the scenery. About 10 minutes before arriving, atop the hills on the narrow road that took us to Sorrento, I found a little space to park the car and breath-in the fresh view of Sorrento waterfront. We could see the sail boats floating on the Mediterranean blue water, and the colourful little houses built on the slope of the hill from the top all the way to the sea. The buildings were in so many colours as if the quaint Sorrento were architected by Michelangelo to be lived by DaVinci’s Mona Lisa. Sorrento from the road top Sorrento was so beautiful that we spent the entire day there. We parked the car in an underground parking across to Gran Hotel Europa Palace (www.europapalace.com) on the hilltop. We must have spend about 45 minutes roaming the exterior of the hotel, admiring the architecture and the impressive iron gate, and then spending time on the back patio taking a closer look at the colourful buildings on the hill rolling down to the water. There were stone walking paths from the houses to the water where a giant deck with seats and shades turned the sea into a giant public pool. Sorrento Hotel The ladies in reception were extremely helpful offering us information and allowing me to charge my mobile since I had forgotten my charger! According to one of them, the German war maps were still on the lobby walks behind the giant paintings at this fortress (now hotel). I wanted to go down to the waterfront for lunch. So, the nice lady called her friend, the owner of a restaurant on the waterfront, and they sent us a car at no charge and after lunch they drove us back. The ride to the water was through narrow winding streets of Sorrento. After lunch we took a walk along the harbour and watched the sail boats rock on calm waters. I would like to spend a week or more in Southern Italy some day. I forgot to mention that my cousin lives in Naples working on his PhD. He was our translator for the day. This was our first encounter in forty years (that is a sad tale that should not ruin this travel story). On the way back, we sat in a very nice café in Naples and had an amazing coffee and pastry before heading back to our ship. Italian pastry is the best, with my apology to mom and all the Persians. Sorrento harbour Rome, Italy: The port for Rome is in Civitavecchia, an hour drive from Rome. A tour purchased from the cruise would have been around $300 CDN per person. I like to think that I am adventurous and enjoy experimenting the local ways as much as I can. However, I understand that you may think that I am just cheap. I am fine with that. My son (Lucas) and I took a five-minute bus ride to the train station and paid €10 each to take the fast train to Rome. I love trains a lot more than buses. We could have ventured Rome with local transit; however, our time was limited and we could not afford any time asking for directions. If I recall accurately, the daily hop-on-hop-off city tour was about €20 per person. To visit Rome and only spend one day should be a crime but a snapshot to calm my itching curiosity was the deal I had taken. I would say that Rome and Vatican City would require at least a week. There are many ancient Basilicas other than St. Peter’s each offering a unique history and that alone is well worth a week for me. The bus passed by the Colosseum, check mark. We were heading to the Vatican City knowing well that we may not make it inside. After all, Vatical city is a day by itself. The bus dropped us a few blocks away in front of San Angelo Castle also known as Mausoleum of Hadrianhttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Castel_Sant%27Angelo. The castle was a tall cylinder-like giant stone building walled all around like a fortress. I thought we would take a quick tour of the place at €15 (it was free for minors “Lucas”). We ended up spending over two hours admiring the decorated walls and ceilings with painting that were full of stories, and the museum items there were placed in its numerous rooms. We climbed many rocky stairs all the way to the top of this tallest structure in Rome, ventured the narrow hallways and took some pictures on the roof. San Angelo Castle The entrance to Vatican City was a ten-minute walk. Before crossing the bridge over Tiber (Tevere) we sat on the patio of a river-side food booth to have a snack. We walked to Vatican City and spent an hour in St. Peter’s Square (Piazza San Pietro) observing the architecture, the elegantly attired Guards, the crowd lining up and the shops that lure the tourist. We took the tour bus back to Piazza di Espagna. This was the cleanest, most modern, and prettiest part of the city that our eyes had seen in the past few hours. The bus left us on the upper escalation of the Piazza where I took some pictures before descending the steep long set of steps into the centre of the shops and restaurants. We walked for about an hour window shopping and then found a restaurant patio in a pedestrian intersection. It was a touristy area but still reasonably priced. We certainly could give ourselves this one treat before heading back to the train station for our hour and twenty-minute ride back. Piazza di Espagna Total cost of our Rome venture including transportation, admissions, and food (for two) was €150. Lunch was the biggest expense. ** Picture Florence and Pisa, Italy: Another restaurant and show evening aboard the Norwegian Epic, and we arrived in Florence (port of Livorno) early morning. Getting to Florence by public transit was too complicated. A car ride from port of Livorno to Florence was about 90 minutes and to Pisa around 30 minutes. I was lucky to find a private mini-van taxi (a brand new eight-seater Mercedes) that needed two more passengers to get going. At €50 per person to take us to Florence and then Pisa and back, it was a great deal. This deal could have been booked online in advance for €40. A lesson learned here. The other people sharing our ride were a family of four from Montreal, and a mother-son pair from Los Angles. Everyone was very reserved and quiet. Lucas and I sat in the front with the driver and I spend the entire trip learning from our friendly driver. Florence is beautiful and quaint. However, I thought I had enough architecture in Rome and did not feel like lining up for an hour to see another church. We took a walking tour of Florence and had a meal at small sandwich joint run by two very funny and entertaining ladies. They offered a great selection of artisanal sandwiches, but almost two years later now, I cannot remember what I ate. Pisa was another little town walled all around. I can imagine the great length the leaders had to go to protect people from attacks and we so often take our freedom for granted. Of course, we must protect ourselves from partisan politics and corporate lawyers, but that is easily manageable. At this point of the trip, I had enough sight seeing. I would have been good with a video of Pisa on YouTube. Here is a picture of the magnificent but defected marble structure. Florence Residents sunbathing in Florence Pisa Canes and Nice, France: Canes, France was physically the most beautiful city on this trip, in my opinion. It was manicured clean and peaceful. Canes did not have a port for the cruise ships, hence we had to anchor in the sea and take the emergency boats to the shore. The emergency boats were giant, and each held about 200 people. We had a short time here and we were tired. I should have taken a tour bus, but my sense of adventure (or cheapness) had us walking up the steep and narrow winding street and then back down to the city centre for a bite. I found a small sandwich shop to share a ham and cheese baguette and a couple of drinks with Lucas. In my broken French, I asked the young lady behind the counter if she could cut the baguette in half for us and she gave me a stern “Non”. I am not certain whether that was a lack of courtesy or I had crossed some religious or cultural boundaries. It was simple enough to split the baguette with me hand. We should have continued our tour of the city and stayed in Canes as I had advised our friends from Quebec. However, a sudden urge came over me to take the train to Nice. We did, and Nice’s downtown and beach area were beautiful to walk; however, the injustice I did to my own principals of travelling is unforgivable. The whole day was just too rushed and consuming. Canes, City Market Mallorca (Majorca) Spain: The trip from Canes to Mallorca was the second longest leg of the cruise. We arrived Mallorca around 1 pm giving us roughly five hours on the Island. After seven days of walking the cities in the heat of August, even the young Lucas was exhausted. The port in Mallorca was not walking distance to any interesting place and Lucas wished to spend the day at a beach. Great idea, I thought. I Googled the most scenic beaches nearby and Palma Nova was the second choice but the only feasible option due to our limited time. We had a brief line up for a taxi right at the port. There was a family of five from Peru from our cruise in front of us in the lineup and they could not all fit into one taxi. I invited the grandpa of the family to come with us since they were heading to the same beach. Grandpa was a good companion and an opportunity for me to learn about Peru. We agreed on a time for going back together and then split to our ventures. Palma Nova was perfect to spend a day. The beach had the right amount of crowd and was decorated by some rocky hills on one side for us to take a walk in between swims. The water was perfectly tempered, calm, and clear blue. There were no high rises nor big tourist hotels on this beach and plenty of restaurants and shops. For lunch we crossed the street on the beach to a patio and I shared a nice pizza and drinks for €12. We paid €15 for the bamboo umbrella and two chairs to have our spot on the beach and about €35 total for the taxi ride back and forth. That brings our total to €62 for a beautiful relaxing day in Majorca. Palma Nova beach, Mallorca I would like to spend a week in Mallorca. There are many scenic quaint towns and beautiful beaches to enjoy. If you are interested to know more, you can search for Palma, Sóller, Valldemossa, and Pollença. All these are on the west side of the island and within an hour drive from Palma. I would stay in Palma and make day trips to each of these towns. If you are a tennis fan, then you will probably add Rafael Nadal’s academy (https://www.rafanadalacademy.com/en) to the list, which is about an hour drive east of Palma. Palma Nova beach, Majorca Our last night on the cruise was concluded by a beautiful three course meal and listening to a live band on the middle deck’s lobby. There was a talented singer among the passengers and a few great dancers on board who joined the performance. It was a great way to end the cruise. We arrived Barcelona early morning, well rested, with a fresh shower and a full tummy. We found a taxi and headed straight to the airport to catch our noon flight back to Toronto without rush. I suppose my project management trainings mixed with my entrepreneurial nature, made a perfect schedule for the trip. You can check out www.pmi.org if you are interested in formalizing your skills for time and budget management.
/r/AskReddit - "What do you think of the Jehovah Witnesses?"
I am a bot! Please send NotListeningItsABook a private message with any comments or feedback on how I work. EDIT: As of Thu Apr 09 01:43:23 UTC 2020, the post is at [8pts|17c]
Why should anyone care what your beliefs are? You and JWs both believe middle eastern myth and legends both exist in real life. You are both essentially interpreting a giant spiderman comic a little differently when in the end its still fake.
Religion is just a set of ideas and criticizing bad ideas isnt the same as insulting someone. We SHOULD be question these sorts of beliefs and practices so we can improve them. I was a JW for 25 years, decided i could not longer believe it and left. That act alone caused me to lose my entire family and all the friends i had made. Everyone. I havent spoke to my own mother in 10 years. She lives 15 minutes away from me. After i left i had to start over and build an entirely new social and support group. If you spend time over at /exjw you will see my story is by no means unique. Any JW will regurgitate what they are told that shunning/disfellowshipping is to "keep the congregation pure". But its pretty obvious what the real goal of the watchtower is here. Its so scare people away from leaving and to emotionally blackmail those who do live by holding the love of their family hostage. Here are some quotes from their literature regarding shunning (disfellowshipping):
"What if we have a relative or a close friend who is disfellowshipped? Now our loyalty is on the line, not to that person, but to God. Jehovah is watching us to see whether we will abide by his command not to have contact with anyone who is disfellowshipped.—Read 1 Corinthians 5:11-13.
Consider just one example of the good that can come when a family loyally upholds Jehovah’s decree not to associate with disfellowshipped relatives. A young man had been disfellowshipped for over ten years, during which time his father, mother, and four brothers “quit mixing in company” with him. At times, he tried to involve himself in their activities, but to their credit, each member of the family was steadfast in not having any contact with him. After he was reinstated, he said that he always missed the association with his family, especially at night when he was alone. But, he admitted, had the family associated with him even a little, that small dose would have satisfied him. However, because he did not receive even the slightest communication from any of his family, the burning desire to be with them became one motivating factor in his restoring his relationship with Jehovah." Watchtower 2012 Apr 15 p.12
"Despite our pain of heart, we must avoid normal contact with a disfellowshipped family member by telephone, text messages, letters, e-mails, or social media." Watchtower 2017 Oct p.16
"Really, what your beloved family member needs to see is your resolute stance to put Jehovah above everything else - including the family bond. … Do not look for excuses to associate with a disfellowshipped family member, for example, through e-mail." Watchtower 2013 Jan 15 page 16
"Suppose, for example, that the only son of an exemplary Christian couple leaves the truth. Preferring "the temporary enjoyment of sin" to a personal relationship with Jehovah and with his godly parents, the young man is disfellowshipped. … the Bible says "to quit mixing in company with anyone called a brother that is a fornicator. … They also realise that the word "anyone" in this verse includes family members not living under their roof. … Our hearts go out to those parents. After all, their son had a choice, and he chose to pursue his unchristian lifestyle rather than to continue to enjoy close association with his parents and other fellow believers. The parents, on the other hand, had no say in the matter. … But what will those dear parents do? Will they obey Jehovah's clear direction? Or will they rationalize that they can have regular association with the disfellowshipped son and call it, "necessary family business"? In making their decision, they must not fail to consider how Jehovah feels about what they are doing. … Today, Jehovah does not immediately execute those who violate his laws. He lovingly gives them an opportunity to repent from their unrighteous works. How would Jehovah feel, though, if the parents of an unrepentant wrongdoer kept putting Him to the test by having unnecessary association with their disfellowshipped son or daughter?" Watchtower 2011 Jul 15 p.31, p.32
I highly doubt it. I was a JW for 32 years and, as much as I dislike them, this doesn't sound like their work. No rank and file JW is particularly concerned with getting old people to sign away their possessions because the rank and file would never see a nickel of that.
The ones that go door to door are annoying af but the ones I’ve known on a personal level, like coworkers where we just don’t discuss religion at work, we’re always chill af. I’ve honestly never met one like that who didn’t turn out to be a huge weeb.
And if you ask them about shunning, they lie to your face about it. When you’re studying with them they have a certain time in your progression when they reveal the disfellowshipping arrangement. I was duped.
I live in a major U.S. city. I often see two or three JWs standing outside of the entrances/exists to the subway, usually with a rack with brochures/literature that is translated into multiple languages. I have never seen them bother or call out to any one -- they just wait to be approach. I've always kind of admired their patience. I think you have to be brave to put yourself out there like.
They believe that the rest will live forever on a paradise Earth after Jesus comes again and wipes out all evil. They act like everyone has to be saved, that's why they preach door to door. But they also preach that even righteous non-believers will be saved. At least that's what I got from it when I was raised in it.
Had a friend was who was one in high school. It’s weird because if you saw him you’d think he’s just your run of the mill Puerto Rican kid. But when he told me he didn’t celebrate his own birthday because he was a Jehovah Witness I was in shock.
My grandmother's neighbor was visited by them once. They convinced her that she needed to give herself up to the church or she would burn in hell, so she did. One Jehovah's witness stayed with her at her house and helped her with everything. Then the neighbor started having health problems. She went to the doctor and was told that she was terminally ill. She then tried to apply for hospis but was denied because hospis only treats people who are six months away from dying. Then a couple of days later she died. Her Jehovah's witness caretaker took care of her post life procedures so fast that by the time the family arrived the next day she was already cremated. On top of that the lady had willed everything to the church so the family was not legally allowed to go through anything in the house because it was property of the church. We all knew that this woman wasn't disconnected from her family because they would visit often and were a happy family. So in short everyone suspects that the jehovah's witness conned this old woman into signing over everything she owned to them and then killed her. If you get a knock on the door from them, do not answer.
Goodness, that's pretty sad. I'm not trying to insult anyone on here who might be a JW, but choosing religion over your immediate family seems a bit... extreme.
On an academic level, I think it's funny that they believe only 144,000 people get into Heaven, yet there's millions of JWs in the world....so even among their own church, they believe that not all of them are getting into Heaven. Ultimately, though, I don't really care that much about what people believe so much as how they behave.
They're a cult. I know too much about them to even consider joining. Them knocking on doors is the least of it. They have this animation called Caleb and Sophia which they give to parents claiming they're videos with lessons anyone can learn, but they're actually propaganda. They will often invite you to the Kingdom Hall on Memorial Day (a Jehovah's Witness holiday, not the same as our memorial day) and act very nice to you so you would join, but if you're actually in the cult, you're expected to only associate with people in the cult for the most part, and if you break their rules, they will stop talking to you and pretend you don't exist. If your parents are members, they'll disown you. This is known as disfellowship That's not even the worst of it. They have this thing called the two witness rule where if there are less than two witnesses, the person committing evil gets away with it. This is a major problem because sexual abuse is very common, and predators aren't going to abuse people when others are around, and you're not allowed to go to the police, or you'll get disfellowshipped and lose everything. That means a lot of predators get away with their acts. They also have a ban on blood transfusions, even if you'll die if you don't get one. It's based on an interpretation of the verse that bans consuming blood that I can't remember at the moment. They believe it's better to die for Jehovah than to get a blood transfusion. If you get a blood transfusion, you'll get disfellowshipped. They are very strict and controlling and are a cult. A cult isn't just a small religion. It's any group that heavily controls their members.
Percy Jackson and the Olympians Season 1 Episode 5 (pt 1)
I know this took a really long time, hope you guys like it. If you work for Disney, this is a pitch. Cast Jack Dylan Grazer as Percy Jackson Cassidy Nugent as Annabeth Chase Nick Palatas as Grover Underwood Liv Tyler as the Nereid Sylvester Stallone as Gabe Ugliano Barbra Walters as herself Vin Diesel as Crusty Idris Elba as Charon Andy Serkis as Evil Voice Hugo Weaving as Hades Dwayne Johnson as Ares Percy Jackson and the Olympians: Season one episode five: “And I Thought Airport Security Was Ridiculous” or “Will the Real Lightning Thief Please Stand Up?” screenplay INT – LAS VEGAS TAXI CAB – EARLY NOON PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER get into the back of a taxi cab. CABBY: (Bored, uninterested, cigar in mouth) Where to, kids? ANNABETH: (Calm, confident) Los Angeles, please. CABBY: (Raises eyebrow, puffs on cigar) Dat’s three hundred miles from here, miss. You’ll have to pay upfront. ANNABETH: Do you take casino debit cards? CABBY: Depends. I’ll have to give it a swipe. ANNABETH hands the cab driver her LotusCash card, and he looks at it skeptically. He rolls his eyes and swipes it, and the meter begins rattling and the lights on it flash. When an infinity symbol appears on the meter, the cabby’s cigar drops out of his mouth in shock. CABBY: (Shocked, excited) W-where in Los Angeles, your highness? ANNABETH: (Sits up a little, smiles) Santa Monica pier, please. Get us there by evening, and you can keep the change. The cabby slams down the gas pedal, and several cars honk at him as he flies down the street. As they head through the Mojave desert, PERCY tells ANNABETH and GROVER about the dream he had before they went to the Lotus Hotel and Casino. PERCY: … And then the voice in the pit saw me. He showed me my mother… and a black throne carved with faces screaming in agony. And then… (Gulps) … The undead soldiers put a red robe and a laurel of thorns on me… and then I became one of them. GROVER: Well that got dark fast. PERCY: There’s something else. The guy in the cloak, the Lightning Thief, called the voice something… The… “Something” One… ANNABETH: (Disappointed, blunt) Well that’s incredibly unspecific. Was it the Rich One? The Silent One? Those are both nicknames for HADES. PERCY: (Unsure) Maybe… GROVER: Well, the throne sounds like the way HADES’S throne is described. Black obsidian carved with faces of damnation. PERCY: Yeah but… the throne wasn’t the main part of the dream. And the voice in the pit… I dunno, it just doesn’t feel like the voice of a god. It seemed… older. ANNABETH’S eye get wide with dread. PERCY: (Concerned) What? What’s wrong? ANNABETH: (A bit uneasy) N-nothing. I was just thinking… no. It has to be HADES. He probably sent the Lightning Thief to steal the MASTER BOLT, and something must’ve went wrong- PERCY: Like what? ANNABETH: I- (Reluctant) -I don’t know. But to steal something as important as the MASTER BOLT, and the fact that ZEUS has his best trackers on the job, a lot of stuff could go wrong. So, the thief could’ve hidden the bolt, or maybe even lost it. Anyway, the thief failed to deliver the BOLT to HADES, that’s what the voice in your dream said, right? The Lightning Thief failed. That explains what the Furies were looking for when they attacked us on the bus. They probably thought we had the BOLT. PERCY notices a hint of anxiety in ANNABETH’S eyes, and sees that she seems to be shaking a bit. PERCY: (Suspicious, confused) But… if HADES thinks I already have the BOLT, why would I be coming to the UNDERWORLD? GROVER: To blackmail him into giving your mom back. PERCY: (Surprised) You know, you have pretty dark thoughts for a goat. GROVER: (Blunt) Thanks. PERCY: But… the voice said he was waiting for two items. If the MASTER BOLT’S one, what’s the other? GROVER shrugs. PERCY: (Turns to ANNABETH, knowing look in his eyes) You know what it is, don’t you? The voice in the pit? ANNABETH: (Hesitant, worried) PERCY, I… let’s not talk about it. It’s probably HADES. PERCY: (Thinking) I just… I just feel like there’s something we’re still missing. ANNABETH: (Uneasy) Well, I guess we’ll find the answer in the UNDERWORLD. PERCY forlornly looks out the window at the desert scenery whizzing past. EXT – SANTA MONICA BEACH - SUNSET The kids head to the edge of the surf. ANNABETH: Well? What now? PERCY stares out over the ocean, and gets a longing look in his eyes. He takes a deep breath, taking in the ocean air, and slowly steps into the water. ANNABETH: (Surprised, worried) PERCY? What are you- PERCY ignores her, and continues walking into the water. GROVER: Dude, do you have any idea how polluted that water is? ANNABETH: (Concerned) PERCY, get out of there. You’ll grow a third- Once PERCY gets chest deep into the water, he dives under, disappearing from ANNABETH and GROVER’S view. EXT – UNDER THE PACIFIC OCEAN – SAME TIME PERCY holds his breath at first, then remembers he can breathe underwater, and lets himself breathe normally. PERCY: That’s gonna take some getting used to. He looks around the water, curious, then notices a mako shark right beside him. PERCY (Startled, jumps) Ah! PERCY calms down when he realizes the shark is not trying to harm him, and it nuzzles up against him like a dog. PERCY hesitantly touches the shark’s dorsal fin, and it bucks gently, inviting PERCY to hold on tighter. PERCY grabs onto the shark’s fin, and it takes off, blasting through the water like a rocket, pulling PERCY along. PERCY: (Surprised) Whoa, boy! The shark pulls PERCY deeper and deeper into the ocean. PERCY: (Slightly worried) Where are you taking me? The shark begins to slow down, and PERCY catches his breath when they come to a huge, gaping, pitch black canyon. WOMAN’S VOICE: (O.S.) (Quiet, gentle, far away) PERSEUS… PERCY is surprised to hear the voice of the river spirit he spoke to in St. Louis. WOMAN’S VOICE: (O.S.) (Gentle) PERCY JACKSON… PERCY makes out a light in the darkness of the canyon, and it slowly gets bigger until he sees beautiful woman with black hair, her body glowing gently with white light, wearing a flowing, greenish-white silk dress. She dismounts, smiles, and gives PERCY a small bow. Her giant seahorse and the mako shark begin playfully chasing each other. WATER SPIRIT: (Smiling, kind) You have come far, my hero. Well done. PERCY awkwardly bows, as she did. WATER SPIRIT: (Small laugh) You are prince, PERCY JACKSON, you need not bow to me. PERCY: You’re the spirit I talked to in the Mississippi River, aren’t you? WATER SPIRIT: Yes, child. I am a Nereid, a spirit of the sea. It was not easy for me to travel so far up river, but my freshwater cousins, the naiads, were able to help me sustain myself. The naiads honor your father, though they do not serve in his court. PERCY: And… you do? Serve in his court, I mean? NEREID: Indeed. I must say, it has been many long years since a son of the sea god has been born. My sisters and I have watched over you with great interest. PERCY: (Confused, a bit resentful) If my dad’s so interested in me, why doesn’t he come talk to me in person? A cold current rises out of the canyon, and almost knocks PERCY off his feet. NEREID: (Sad, gentle) Do not judge the Lord of the Sea too harshly. Your father is incredibly busy; he now stands on the brink of an unwanted war. And apart from that, your father is forbidden from helping you directly. Gods mustn’t show favoritism, you know. PERCY: (Surprised, a bit sad) Even to their own children? NEREID: Especially to their own children. However, the gods can work through indirect influences, which is why your father has sent me to give you a warning; and a gift. The Nereid holds out her hand, and shows PERCY three gleaming white pearls. NEREID: You journey to the realm of HADES. Few have returned from that place; Orpheus, who possessed great musical skill, Hercules, who possessed great strength, Houdini, who could escape even the depths of TARTARUS. Have you any of these talents? PERCY: (Awkward) Um… well… no. NEREID: (Kind smile) But you possess something else, PERCY JACKSON. Gifts you have yet to know. The oracles have foretold great and terrible future for you, should you survive to manhood. Your father would not have you die before your time comes. Therefore, he wishes to give you these pearls. When you are in need, smash them at your feet. PERCY: (Tentatively takes the pearls) … What do they do? NEREID: That depends on the manner of your need. But remember this; what belongs to the sea will always return to the sea. PERCY: (Stares at the pearls with wonder) You said you also came to give me a warning. What is it? NEREID: (Leans forward) Listen to your heart, or you shall fail. HADES feeds upon doubt and hopelessness. He will try to trick you into mistrusting yourself. Once you enter the Realm of the Dead, he will never willingly let you leave. You must keep strong, and have faith. The Nereid mounts her giant seahorse, and slowly descends back into the dark canyon. NEREID: Good luck, PERCY JACKSON. PERCY: (Urgent) Wait! Back in St. Louis, you told me not to trust “the gifts”. What gifts? NEREID: (Voice becoming distant) Farewell, my young hero. Listen to your heart… The Nereid disappears into the darkness, leaving PERCY alone with the mako shark. PERCY gives the pearls an empty look, then begins swimming back to the surface. EXT – SANTA MONICA BEACH – A FEW MINUTES LATER PERCY shows the pearls to his friends. ANNABETH: (Skeptical) This can’t be good. No gift ever comes for free. PERCY: But… she just gave them to me. No strings attached. ANNABETH: You ever heard the saying, “No such thing as a free lunch”? It’s an Ancient Greek saying that works pretty well in English, especially in America. There will be a price, just wait and see. PERCY puts the pearls in his pocket, a slightly worried/disappointed look on his face. Later, as night falls, the kids cautiously wander around L.A., police sirens blaring in the back ground. ANNABETH notices a cop car coming, and pulls the boys into an alley. Once the cop car passes, they cautiously leave the alley. PERCY: (Relieved) Phew… that was a close- PERCY stops mid-sentence when he sees a his stepdad GABE, who is sitting with a pretty blonde woman, being interviewed by Barbra Walters on a TV in an appliance store. GABE: (ON TV SCREEN) (Feigning grief) Honest, Ms. Walters, if it weren’t for Sugar here, my grief counselor, I… I don’t know what I’d do. My stepson took everything I care about… my wife… my car… I just… GROVER: For some reason I don’t think she’s a grief counselor. GABE: (Wipes away fake tear) I’m sorry, I have a hard time talkin’ bout it. BARBRA WALTERS: (Overly dramatic, turns to camera) There you have it, America. A man torn apart. An adolescent boy with serious issues. Here’s the last known photo of the troubled young fugitive, taken in Denver, Colorado, about a week ago. A grainy image of PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER talking to ARES outside the diner in Denver comes up on the screen next to Barbra Walters. BARBRA WALTERS: (Over dramatic) Who are the other children in this photo? Who is the man with them? Is PERCY JACKSON simply a delinquent, a terrorist, or perhaps the brainwashed victim of a frightening new cult? When we come back, we’ll chat with leading child psychologist. Stay tuned, America. PERCY’S face becomes twisted with fury, and GROVER gently grabs him by the shoulder. GROVER: Come on, dude. Let’s get going. The kids begin wandering around L.A., and become nervous when they notice some shady people hanging around. They past by some people who look like gangbangers, bums, and various other suspicious looking people. GRUFF MALE VOICE: (O.S.) Hey, kid! PERCY, startled, stops, and a homeless looking man comes out of an alley. HOMELESS MAN: (Fidgeting) Spare some change? PERCY: (Awkward, nervous) Um… sorry, no. Several other bums come out of the dark alley, and when the kids try to run, several bums come up from behind them, staring the kids down threateningly. The first bum pulls out a switch blade, and PERCY uncaps Riptide, shocking the bums. PERCY swings his blade at the bum leader, but it passes through him as if he were a hologram. HOMELESS MAN: (Shocked) What the-!? PERCY: (Surprised, disappointed) Oh right, I, uh… I forgot about that. ANNABETH kicks one of the bums in the crotch, causing him to crumple to the ground in pain. ANNABETH: (Urgent) Run! The kids start running down the sidewalk, the bums chasing after them, shouting at them to come back. The kids rush around a corner, and ANNABETH sees an open shop called “CRUSTY’S WATER BED PALACE”. ANNABETH: There! The kids run into the shop, hide behind a display bed in the window, and the bums run past. GROVER: (Relieved) Phew… I think we lost them. MALE VOICE: (O.S.) Lost who? PERCY, ANNABETH AND GROVER, IN UNISON: (Startled, jump) Ah! The kids turn around to see a tall, pale, bald man in a tacky leisure suit and silver chains around his neck, standing right behind them. TALL BALD MAN: (Grinning creepily, showing off yellow teeth) How ya’ll doin? I’m Crusty. PERCY: (Holding back a laugh, quiet) Yes, you are. CRUSTY: (Raises eyebrow) Hm? PERCY: (Slightly embarrassed, awkward) I said, uh… sorry to barge… in. CRUSTY: Hidin’ from them lowlifes, huh? Yeah, they hang around here every night. I get a lotta people comin’ in here cuz of them. So… (Gestures around shop) … Can I interest you kids in a water bed? PERCY: (Uncomfortable) Um… I mean, uh… I don’t really think I need- CRUSTY gracefully sweeps up behind PERCY, grabs him by the shoulders, and pushes him deeper into the shop. PERCY: Uh, okay, this is weird… CRUSTY proudly gestures to a vibrating bed with lava lamps and black satin sheets. CRUSTY: Million hand massage. Why don’t you lie down? Hell, take a nap, I don’t care. PERCY: (Anxious) Um, no, I think we’ll be leave- GROVER: (Excited) Dude, million hand massage?! No way! GROVER jumps into the massage bed. GROVER: (Voice vibrating) O-oh d-dude, th-this is s-so s-sweet! CRUSTY: (Disappointed, stroking chin) Hmm, not quite… PERCY: (Uneasy) Huh? Not quite what? CRUSTY: (Takes ANNABETH by the shoulder) Do me a favor, honey, and try this one over here. ANNABETH: (Uncomfortable) I… but… CRUSTY ushers ANNABETH over to a bed, and tries pushing her into it. ANNABETH: (Angry) Hey! Get your hands off- CRUSTY: (Snaps fingers) Ergo! Ropes grow out from under the bed, and strap ANNABETH down to the mattress. ANNABETH: (Panicking, screaming) Hey! LET ME GO! GROVER tries to get out of his bed, but ropes tie him down as well. GROVER: (Alarmed) I-it’s n-not s-sweet a-anymore, d-dudes! PERCY: (Steps back, shocked) What the hell are you- CRUSTY: (Quickly places hand behind PERCY’S neck) Whoa, take it easy, kid. I’ll get you your own bed in a sec. PERCY: (Assertive, serious) Let my friends go. CRUSTY: (Calm, friendly) Oh don’t worry, I will. Soon as I make ‘em fit. PERCY: (Confused, angry) Fit? What do you- CRUSTY: Lemme explain. All the beds are exactly six feet. Your friends are too short, see, so I gotta stretch ‘em out a bit. Can’t stand imperfect measurements… CRUSTY snaps his fingers again, and more ropes wrap around GROVER and ANNABETH’S feet and arms, and begin slowly stretching them. PERCY watches in horror as his friends scream in pain. PERCY: (Angry, shouting) Let them go, now! CRUSTY: Don’t worry, they only need a few inches. Hell, they might even survive! Now, why don’t we get you set up with a bed you like, huh? ANNABETH: (Screaming in pain) PERCY!!! GROVER: (Screaming in pain) HELP!!! PERCY: (Suspicious) Your name’s not really CRUSTY, is it? CRUSTY: Legally, it’s PROCRUSTES. PERCY: The Stretcher. The one who tried to kill Theseus with hospitality. PROCRUSTES: (Grinning) That’s me. But who can pronounce Procrustes? ‘Crusty’ on the other hand, much easier to market. PERCY: (Eyes get wide, gets an idea) Uh… yeah! I totally agree. Has a nice ring to it. PROCRUSTES: (Flattered) You think so? PERCY: Oh, absolutely. And the craftsmanship on these beds is simply fabulous. PROCRUSTES: (Grinning) I tell my customers that all the time. I mean, how many beds have you seen with lava lamps built into the headboards? PERCY: (Shrugging) Not too many. PROCRUSTES: Exactly! ANNABETH: (Angry, confused, screaming in pain) PERCY!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!? PERCY: (Dismissive) Don’t mind her. She couldn’t never understand the art of a well crafted bed. PROCRUSTES: (Sighing, disappointed) None of my customers do. Never exactly six feet, so inconsiderate. And then they have the nerve to complain about the fittings! PERCY: So… what do you do if they’re taller than six feet? PROCRUSTES: Oh, easy fix. I just center the customer best I can, then grab my trusty friend here- (Lets go of PERCY’S neck, reaches behind desk, pulls out huge, double sided bronze axe) - And I lop off whatever hangs off either side! PERCY: (Surprised, nervous) Oh… well, I mean, that’s just perfectly sensible. PROCRUSTES: (Excited) Oh, you have no idea what it feels like to finally have an intelligent customer! PERCY worriedly look over to his friends, ANNABETH gasping for air, struggling against the ropes, GROVER making strangled gurgling sounds. PERCY: So… CRUSTY, my man, this bed… (Gestures to giant heart shaped bed with red satin sheets) … Does it really have dynamic stabilizers to stop wave motion? PROCRUSTES: Sure does. Why don’t you give it a try? PERCY: (Stroking chin, pretending to be interested) Yeah, maybe I will. But… would it work even for a big guy like you? PROCRUSTES: Absolutely. PERCY: Really? No waves at all? PROCRUSTES: None. Guaranteed. PERCY: (Pretending to be skeptical) No way. PROCRUSTES: Way. PERCY: Prove it. PROCRUSTES puts his axe down, lies in the bed, and pats the mattress. PROCRUSTES: See? No waves at all- PERCY: (Snaps fingers) Ergo! Ropes spring out of the sides of the bed, tying PROCRUSTES down to it, his head hanging off the top. PROCRUSTES: (Shocked, angry) What the-?! PERCY: (Frowns, feigning disappointment) Oooh, sorry, man. Looks like you don’t quite fit… (Uncaps Riptide) … Let me make a few adjustments. PROCRUSTES: (Anxious, gulps) Whoa, uh, y-you drive a hard bargain, kid. Tell you what; let me go, and I, uh… I’ll give you thirty percent off any of the floor models! PERCY: (Sarcastic, pretending to consider offer) Really? Any of the floor models? PROCRUSTES: Y-yep! A-and no money down. And no interest for six months. PERCY: Hm. That’s a pretty tempting offer. But I think I have a better one. PROCRUSTES: (Curious) Really? What’s that? PERCY: (Raises Riptide, aiming for PROCRUSTES’S neck) Go to TARTARUS. PROCRUSTES: (Frowns) That’s not a- PERCY swings Riptide down, and chops off PROCRUSTES’S head, turning the giant salesman to yellow dust and black smoke, then quickly cuts GROVER and ANNABETH’S ropes. PERCY: (Concerned) You alright? ANNABETH: (Groaning) Define “alright”. PERCY: (Smirks) You look taller. ANNABETH: (Irritated) Very funny. Could you maybe be faster saving us next time? PERCY heads behind CRUSTY’S desk, and begins flipping through papers. He finds a pouch of drachmas, and puts them in his pocket, then finds a map. PERCY: So, who’s ready to go to the UNDERWORLD? GROVER: (Groaning) Dude, give me a sec… (Stretches, back makes sickening ‘pop’ sound) Oooo, that was good. Okay, I’m ready. PERCY: Good. (Holds up map he found on CRUSTY’S desk) Because it’s right around the block. EXT – VALENCIA BOULEVARD – A FEW MINUTES LATER The kids stand outside of a record store with a sign made of black marble engraved with gold lettering that reads: DOA RECORDING STUDIOS, and stenciled words on the glass door that reads: NO SOLICITING, NO LOITERING, NO LIVING. ANNABETH: Well, this was not what I was expecting. PERCY: What were you expecting? ANNABETH: (Shrugging) I dunno. Like, a hole by the Hollywood sign that opens when you read some Ancient Greek graffiti? (Looks directly into the camera) PERCY: (Confused) … Okay, whatever. Anyway, you guys remember the plan? GROVER: (Nervous) Yep. The plan. Love the plan. ANNABETH: (Critical, curt) And what if the plan goes wrong? PERCY: (Trying to be reassuring) Oh come on, don’t be so negative, ANNABETH. ANNABETH: (Sarcastic) Oh yes, PERCY. We’re about to enter the Land of the Dead, but I’m sure if we don’t think negative, we’ll be just fine. PERCY takes the Nereid’s pearls out of his pocket, and stares at them glumly. ANNABETH: (Kind, places hand on PERCY’S shoulder) I’m sorry, PERCY. You’re right. Well make it. ANNABETH gives GROVER a nudge. GROVER: (Nervous, trying to be reassuring) Y-yeah! I mean, we’ve made it this far, right? We’ll get the BOLT, save your mom, and save the world. PERCY: (Smiles, then gets serious) Alright. Let’s kick some UNDERWORLD ass. INT – DOA RECORDING STUDIOS – SAME TIME The kids enter DOA, Muzak playing softly. The walls are steel gray, the furniture black leather. There are people hanging about the lobby, but at closer glance, they are slightly see through, as if they were made of smoke. The kids head to the main desk, which is raised up on a podium. The security guard behind the desk has a military style haircut, dyed bleach blonde, wearing tortoiseshell shades and a white silk Italian suit, with a black rose pinned to his lapel, and a silver name tag. PERCY: (Leans forwards, reads name tag, bewildered) Your name is CHIRON? SECURITY GUARD: (Leans over, smiling, soothing voice) What a precious lad you are. Tell me, do I look like a centaur? PERCY: (Slightly embarrassed) N-no. SECURITY GUARD: Sir. PERCY: No, sir. SECURITY GUARD: (Gestures to name tag) Take a closer look, now. It’s C-H-A-R-O-N. Now say it with me, CARE-ON. PERCY: (A bit irritated) CHARON. CHARON: Ah-mazing. Now, Mr. CHARON. PERCY: (Rolls his eyes) Mr. CHARON. CHARON: Well done. I do hate being confused with that old horse. Now, how may I help you little dead ones? PERCY looks over at ANNABETH. ANNABETH: (A bit uncomfortable) Well, we uh, wanna go to the UNDERWORLD. CHARON: (Blunt, a bit surprised) Oh. Well, that’s refreshing. ANNABETH: (Confused) I, uh- it is? CHARON: Oh, absolutely. Just straightforward and honest, no screaming, no “Oh, please, Mr. CHARON, please give me another chance!”. (Grins, clasps hands) So, how did you loves die? PERCY clears his throat. GROVER: (Nervous) Oh! We uh, we drowned. In a bathtub. CHARON: (Raises eyebrow) All three of you at once? PERCY: (Awkward) I-it was a really big bathtub. CHARON: (Blunt) Naturally. I don’t suppose you have coins for passage, though. If you were adults, I could charge your American Express, or add the ferry fee to your last cable bill. But children… (Sighs, sad) … Alas, they never die prepared, it seems. I’m afraid you’ll have to take a seat for a few centuries. PERCY: Oh, we have coins. (Places three drachmas on the desk) CHARON: (Licks lips, excited) My my… real golden drachmas… I haven’t seen those in… (Hand hovers over drachmas, becomes suspicious) Here now, just a minute ago, you read my name tag wrong. Are you dyslexic, mate? PERCY: (A bit nervous) No, I’m dead. CHARON: (Leans forward, stares the kids down) You’re not dead. (Sniffs the air, disdainful) Two godlings and a satyr. I should have known. PERCY: (Awkward) Okay, first of all, I didn’t want to be a half-blood, and second, we really need to get to the UNDERWORLD. CHARON makes a strange, growling sound in his throat, and the spirits waiting around the lobby start moving around, restless, lighting cigarettes, fidgeting with their watches, etc. CHARON: Why don’t you leave now, and I’ll just forget I saw you. CHARON starts to reach for the drachmas, but PERCY snatches them away. PERCY: (Serious, assertive) No service, no tip. CHARON growls again, the spirits start banging on the elevator door. PERCY: (Pretending to be disappointed) It’s really a shame. We had more to offer. PERCY holds up the pouch of drachmas he took from CRUSTY’S place, pulls out a fistful of the golden coins, and lets them run through his fingers. CHARON: (Slightly hungry look on face) You think I can be bought, godling? Hmmm, just out of curiosity, how much you got there? PERCY: (Polite) A lot. So… what’s your pay like, huh? HADES being good to you, or…? CHARON: (Annoyed) Ugh, you don’t know the half of it. Babysitting these spirits for eternity, always with “Please don’t let me be dead”, “Please let me go in for free”, all day, everyday. I haven’t had a raise in almost three thousand years. I mean, look at me. (Gestures to his suit) … You think dressing this good is cheap? PERCY: (Nodding, slowly drops a few drachmas on the desk) Clearly, you deserve better wages as, uh… compensation for the, um… mentally taxing environment you work in. PERCY glances over at ANNABETH, who quickly nods approvingly. CHARON: You know, mate? I think you might be starting to talk some sense. (Strokes chin, thinking) Hm… boat’s almost full anyway… tell you what, lad. While you’re talking to the boss man, if you were to mention something about giving me a raise… PERCY: I guess I could drop a subtle hint or two. CHARON: (Smiles coldly, grabs drachmas) Come along, then. CHARON begins pushing through the spirits of the dead, the kids follow him. As CHARON pushes through the spirits, they whisper and wail incomprehensible gibberish. CHARON: Freeloaders. CHARON opens the elevator doors, and they get in with several spirits already in the elevator. CHARON: (Turns to face the spirits still in the lobby) No one get any ideas while I’m gone. And if anyone changes the station from easy-listening again, you’ll all be waiting here for another thousand years. The elevator doors close, and CHARON slides a key card into the slot on the panel, and the elevator begins to descend. ANNABETH: (Uncomfortable) So… what happens to the spirits in the lobby? CHARON: (Blunt) Nothing. ANNABETH: Oh… for how long? CHARON: Forever. Or until I’m feeling generous. ANNABETH: (Curt, sarcastic) Well that’s fair. CHARON: Nothing about death is fair, love. You’ll find that out for yourself soon enough where you’re heading. PERCY: (Confident) We’ll get out alive. CHARON: (Dry) Ha. Suddenly, PERCY becomes a bit woozy, blinks a few times, and sees that CHARON’S Italian suit has been replaced by a gray tunic and a black cloak, and his tortoiseshell shades have disappeared, revealing his eyes to be empty black pits. PERCY notices the modern clothes of the spirits become tattered gray cloaks. CHARON: Well? PERCY: (Realizes he was staring at CHARON’S strange eyes) N-nothing. CHARON’S face slowly becomes transparent, showing off his grinning skull. The elevator suddenly starts swaying. GROVER: (Holds his hand up to his mouth as if about to vomit) Oh, dude… I’m gonna be sick… PERCY becomes a bit woozy again, and suddenly the elevator has become a wooden barge, gently drifting down an oily, black river littered with all sorts of things, from college diplomas, dolls, money, and jewelry. ANNABETH: The River Styx… it’s so… CHARON: Polluted. For thousands of years, the spirits of the dead have thrown in everything they can’t take with them; hopes, dreams, wishes that never came true. Irresponsible waste management, if you ask me. Mist begins curling off the river, PERCY glances up to see huge stalactites, and then sees a strange, poison-green light glowing faintly in the distance. PERCY and ANNABETH begin nervously looking around at the spirits around them, and ANNABETH grabs PERCY’S hand. CHARON rows down the river a bit, and soon, they find themselves approaching the shores of the UNDERWORLD, craggy rocks and black volcanic sand, and about a hundred yards up the shore, a huge, stone wall that seems to go on forever in either direction. The kids become more uneasy when they here a deep, powerful howling sound somewhere in the distance. CHARON: (His face almost entirely transparent) Ol’ three face is hungry. Too bad for you, godlings. The boat slides up onto the black shores, and PERCY sadly watches the spirits shuffle out of the boat. PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER hesitantly depart the boat. CHARON: So long, mates. I’d wish you luck, but there’s none down here. CHARON begins rowing away. CHARON: Oh, and don’t forget to mention my raise. CHARON eventually disappears from PERCY’S sight, and the kids forlornly trudge up the path with the spirits. As they get closer to the gate, PERCY sees that the gates of the UNDERWORLD seem to be modeled after airport security, with three different entrances with a sign over them that reads: YOU ARE NOW ENTERING EREBUS. Beyond the gates, there are some tollbooth-like structures manned by ghoulish black robed figures like CHARON. PERCY notices lots of spirits moving right along to a gate with a sign over it that reads: EZ DEATH. PERCY: (Points to quick moving line) What do you make of that? ANNABETH: Probably goes to the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL. It’s the place where spirits go if they’re too scared to face judgment in court. PERCY: (Surprised) There’s a court for the dead? ANNABETH: Yep. There’s three judges, and HADES switches them around once in a while. King Minos, Thomas Jefferson, Shakespeare, people like that. The judges look at a person’s life, and if they were really good, they get to go to ELYSIUM. If they were really bad, the judges decide on a punishment. But for most people… well, most people never do anything really special in their lives, good or evil, so they go to the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL. PERCY: Oh… and… what exactly happens in ASPHODEL? GROVER: Imagine wandering around in a wheat field. PERCY: Well, that doesn't sound so- GROVER: Forever. PERCY: … Oh. I guess that would kinda suck. GROVER: (Eyes wide with fear, points to something) Not as much as that. PERCY and ANNABETH look where GROVER is pointing, and see two black robed ghouls grab one of the spirits in line, who begins sniffing him down. They ghouls growl angrily, and begin dragging the shrieking spirit away towards one of the gates. PERCY: (Worried, a bit scared) Where are they taking him? GROVER: (Gulps) FIELDS OF PUNISHMENT, probably. The Furies will set up whatever punishment the judges decide on. As the kids slowly approach the gates, they hear the howling sound again, but still can’t see where it is coming from. As they get closer to the gates, a huge, a shadowy figure slowly becomes visible, and starts to form the dark, transparent shape of a massive three-headed dog, towering over them, growling. PERCY: (Petrified) H-he’s a rottweiler? ANNABETH: (Slowly turns head towards PERCY) Wow, PERCY. There is, standing in front of us, a three-headed dog twice the size of an elephant, with teeth the size of cinder blocks, and more than likely wants to make us his midnight snack, and the first thing you think to say is, “He’s a rottweiler”? PERCY: (Awkward) I’m just trying to ease the tension. The kids slowly approach CERBERUS, and notice the giant dog is becoming more visible. PERCY: (Curious) I’m starting to see him better… why? ANNABETH: (Gulps, scared) Well… it’s probably because we’re becoming closer to death. CERBERUS stoops one of his heads, and begins sniffing. PERCY: (Grim) He can smell the living. GROVER: (Trembling with fear) Yeah. B-b-but it’s okay, cuz we g-g-gotta plan, right? ANNABETH: (Small, quiet, terrified) Yeah. Th-th-the plan. The kids inch closer the CERBERUS, and the three-headed dog barks so loud, the world seems to shake. PERCY: GROVER? Translation? GROVER: I, uh, don’t think humans have a four letter word that translates exactly. PERCY reaches into his backpack, pulling out a broken bedpost. PERCY: (Nervous, trying to be calm) H-hey boy, I bet they don’t play with you much down here, huh? CERBERUS lets out a thunderous bark. PERCY: (Gulps) G-good boy… (Waves the stick around) Y-you see the stick? CERBERUS’S middle head follows the stick, the other two heads fixed directly on PERCY. PERCY: Fetch! PERCY throws the bedpost, and CERBERUS watches it, unflinching. The stick disappears into the gloom, and splashes into the River Styx. CERBERUS turns his three heads back onto the kids, and growls menacingly. GROVER: Um, PERCY? PERCY: Yeah? GROVER: Just thought you should know, CERBERUS says we have ten seconds to pray to the god of our choice before we become Cerby snacks. CERBERUS begins snarling, saliva dripping from his three jaws, and ANNABETH’S eyes get wide. ANNABETH: Wait! I have an idea. (Start rifling through backpack) CERBERUS gets into an attack position. GROVER: Um, so I’m thinking maybe we should run now? ANNABETH: (Frantically looking through backpack) Hold on! CERBERUS roars, and starts to lunge forward when ANNABETH whips a red rubber ball out of her backpack, and the giant dog stops mid lunge, curious. ANNABETH: See the ball, boy? You want the ball? Sit! CERBERUS cocks his heads, confused. ANNABETH: (Assertive) Sit! To PERCY and GROVER’S surprise, CERBERUS sits, crushing several spirits, who pass through him, shouting angrily in some sort of gibberish. ANNABETH: (Pleased) Good boy! ANNABETH throws the ball, which CERBERUS catches in his middle mouth. The other two heads start snapping at the ball. ANNABETH: Drop it! CERBERUS whimpers, and gently drops the ball at ANNABETH’S feet, almost bitten in half and covered in slobber. ANNABETH: (Picks up ball) Good boy. (Glances back at PERCY and GROVER) Go. EZ DEATH line, it’s faster. PERCY: (Worried, hesitant) But- ANNABETH: Go! PERCY and GROVER reluctantly start inching forward, CERBERUS growls. ANNABETH: Stay! You want the ball? Then stay! PERCY: (Worried) What about you? ANNABETH: (Slightly nervous) I know what I’m doing, PERCY. Kinda. PERCY and GROVER cautiously walk under the giant dog’s legs. ANNABETH: Good dog! ANNABETH throws the ball to CERBERUS, and quickly walks under him while the three heads fight over the ball. PERCY: (Impressed) How’d you do that? ANNABETH: (Catching breath) Obedience school. When I was really little, my dad got a doberman, and- GROVER: (Urgent) Dudes, less talking, more running. The kids bolt for the EZ DEATH line, and ANNABETH stops when she hears CERBERUS whining behind her. She turns around to face him, and sees the giant dog panting, the ball torn to bits at his feet. PERCY: (Worried) ANNABETH? ANNABETH: (Shaky voice, sad smile) Good boy. I’ll bring you another ball soon. Would you like that? CERBERUS whines, and lower his three heads. ANNABETH: (Petting CERBERUS’S head, holding back tears) G-good boy. I’ll visit you, okay? I… I promise. PERCY: (Sad, hesitant) ANNABETH… we have to go. ANNABETH sadly walks away from CERBERUS, and passes through the EZ DEATH line with the boys. As they walk through the metal detector, alarms begin blaring, and CERBERUS starts barking. AUTOMATED VOICE: Unauthorized possessions! Magic items detected! PERCY: (Urgent) Run! The kids run through the gate into the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL, pushing through disgruntled spirits as black robed ghoulish security guards chase after them, shrieking and wailing. The kids scramble down the ridge of a road, and hide in the rotten trunk of a large, black tree. The ghouls run past the tree, still wailing and shrieking. The kids stay in the trunk for a bit to make sure the ghouls are gone. GROVER: Your plans suck, dude. PERCY: (Irritated) Yeah, well, you’re a donkey. (Takes quick look around the corner to make sure it’s safe) Alright, they’re gone. We should- PERCY stops mid-sentence when he notices ANNABETH sniffing and wiping tears from her eyes, and hears CERBERUS howling mournfully in the distance. PERCY: (Gently places hands on ANNABETH’S shoulders) Come on. We have to get out of here. ANNABETH nods, wiping the last of the tears from her eyes, and takes PERCY’S hand. Part 2 will be out soon.
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