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The /r/hockey Trade Deadline Game - Day 2 Thread
NOTE: This is FAKE HOCKEY. To talk about actual hockey, go to the latest Daily Discussion thread Trade Deadline Tonight will continue TONIGHT! The /hockey Trade Deadline Game is back for day 2! Starting today at 8:00 AM MT trading is officially open again. Trading will run until Thursday, January 30th at 6:00 PM MT. You are not late! You can still sign up at http://www.tdgdb.com When you are traded, change your flair on hockey-related subreddits and spend the week from January 31st through February 7th cheering for your new team. Here are this year's reporters, the people who will make things up break news of trade negotiations:
(Sorry for the long post - TLDR - a story of 3 days of craps, a hit and run, and a hockey game) Little history, Seneca Niagara / Seneca Buffalo Creek are my local casino's. I have always been a Poker player first at the Casino (Hold'Em @ Seneca Niagara), and when my SO is with me, I'll dabble in some slots as well. A little over a year ago, on a trip to Vegas to see a hockey game, a friend and I decided to learn to play craps at NYNY where we were staying. Having never thrown dice in my life, it was interesting to say the least at first. Played a little bit last year, and again when I was in Vegas with the SO - but primarily stuck to poker / slots. Circle forward to this past December, and I was at the Venetian / Palazzo for a Conference and had some time after my first day, and decided to give it a whirl. Well, needless to say the table was rocking and 2 first time shooters made everyone a lot of money. I was still new so not pressing much, though with the help of the dealers giving me some pointers, ran up my initial $200 - to $1300 before I left. The next few days after my conference were fun, but had the normal ups and downs until the last night before leaving I had another decent $400-$1100 win (tables were normally always $15 min). These past 6 weeks, I've made a trip down to the Buffalo Creek casino on Friday's and have had some mild success. Routinely playing for a few hours and making decent money - they are always $15 min when I go, so it's become the norm. My typical play is as follows: - $15 Pass line / $5 Horn-Hi YO - 6/8 point - $25 odds on the pass - 5/9 point - $20 odds on the pass - 4/10 pt - $15 odds on the pass On a hit point, it's always a $45 pay with the above. I'll deviate if I'm winning more, and I tend to play much looser (which is probably -EV, but it's how I played poker too) On 6/8 point - I'll do $18 on the other, and $15 on the 10 typically On 5/9 point - I'll do $51 across / inside On 4/10 point - it's dependent on the session but I'll do $51 or $66 Pressing / and how much is dependent on the shooter and how I'm doing - the past few weeks I've been doing pretty good as stated above. Nothing earth shattering, but been making $100-300ish per session. This past V-Day, the SO and I went to the Buffalo Creek after dinner and I wanted to try to get her on the tables to shoot, but she was too confused, lol - ok understandable, and it was packed so I got it. After 7PM, the room typically has (2) $15 min tables, and a $25 table Started off on the $15 with my typical $200 buyin (I know it's light, but for some reason it's what I start with) - no particular noticeable rollers, and after 25-30 mins, I was down to less than $50 - and bought in for another $200. Our friends stopped in and I ended up getting off the table to walk around and socialize some, total in $400, and when I got up I had about $85 left - so (-$315) After about 15-20 mins, my SO and the friends settled at a Blackjack table, so I went back to find a spot, which there was none, lol. Took the $85 I had, throw in another $25 for $110 total and went to the $25 buyin to kill time. New shooter, I went $30 6/8 and $25 on the 5/9 - point came out as a 10. Hit 3 numbers 6,6,9 before the point was hit, so had some more money to play. $25 PL bet, and $5 craps - 7, collect $25 (another $5 craps) - 7, collect $25 (another $5 craps) - point 8 Moved my 8 to a 10 and bought it for $25 - so I'm setup with $25 5/9/10 $30 6 First roll 6 - pressed to 42 Second roll 6 - pressed to 60 Third roll 5 - pressed to 35 Forth roll 9 - pressed to 35 Fifth roll.....PSO (sigh!) Went on for a little bit longer back and forth, but all told after about 20 mins or so, I believe I was at $160ish (ended up trying to recoup vs pressing after the PSO) Ended up getting on a different $15 table up front with my friend who I originally learned with in Vegas, and told him to play however he wants and not to follow me. We rolled with a semi-full table for about 30 mins, and all told I think I ended up +300 for the session. Final tally on craps for the night +$150 (I believe it was right around there) - not bad. Saturday comes around and I'm feeling the need to play more - so after some family time and a swim meet / dinner - I head back. Just complete and utter disaster, lol - every table be it a $15, or $25 - would go Point Set / PSO - or the like. I went between tables, and just was getting smacked around. Everyone was losing, and I ended up -$1000 for the night. Was down $1200, but ended up getting $200 at the very end, and wanted to leave on a positive, LOL. That was short lived however, as I was stopped at a red light next to another car, and some genius thought it would be a good time to try to fit in between us with his car (obviously not all mentally cognitive at the time) - not much damage, but the kicker is the guy gave me and the other car his insurance info, and 5 mins later while the cops were on the way, decided to leave the scene.....fun times were had!! Queue Sunday night, and I was heading to the Buffalo Sabres / Toronto Maple Leafs Hockey game with my brother, but decided to hit the tables (it's a block away from the arena) before I picked him up as I had to go downtown to get the police report from the accident. Only 1 $15 table open and the $25 - but the $15 was run over with people. I only had about 45 mins anyway, so I took $140 and went to the $25. Come out roll $5 any craps, $30 6/8, $25 5/9 - small roll, but hit enough to be up to $200ish New roller came out, and I decided to go all in: $25 PL, $5 craps - point set as a 6 - set $25 odds - $30 8 / $25 5/9 - and $5 each hard way Roller had a good run, hit some points, hit the 6 - and went on for about 15 mins - all told ended up, up $300 from my initial $140, after the PSO. I was chatting with some older gentleman who were at the tables the night before when I lost, and they said the same thing - things were super cold (though they lost $3-4K a piece...) The hockey game on the other hand was AMAZING. Anytime Toronto is in Buffalo it's fucking crazy, and last night was no different. The good guys ended up winning 5-2, but there were more Leafs fans than Sabres fans and it made for some tense times. That's a story for another day, lol Probably longer than I should have wrote, and more fluff than needed - but end result down about $600ish for the weekend.
I made a list of every crime committed in The Office and it only took seven months
Below I’ve listed every law that was broken in The Office (from destruction of property and battery to homicide and kidnapping) whether legal action was taken or not, as well as ideas that people had that were illegal; I’m not a legal expert, I just have a lot of much free time (I labeled the episodes the same way that Netflix does.) S1E3: Dwight claims that multiple people in the office forged medical forms for their health insurance plans S1E6: Michael claims that Dunder Mifflin employees in the 80’s constantly used cocaine S2E1: Pam, Kelly, and Phyllis reveal that there is something written on the women’s bathroom wall, later Pam reveals to Jim that she was the one who wrote it; people throw food at Michael (would fall under battery) S2E2: Packer reveals that he’s been convicted of a DUI S2E3: Dwight reveals that sometimes teenagers use his farm for sex (depending on their ages, this may be illegal as the Pennsylvania age of consent is sixteen) S2E6: Dwight punches Michael in the stomach twice with considerable force (Michael does bait him into doing it though) S2E8: Jim punctures a hole in Dwight’s “fitness orb” with a pair of scissors; it is implied that a former accountant killed himself; Dwight reveals that he made a copy of Michael’s key to the office S2E10: Meredith flashes Michael in his office S2E11: Michael tells everyone on the cruise that the ship is sinking when there’s no danger (creating a false panic is illegal in most cases) S2E12: Dwight crashes his car into a telephone pole outside of the office and leaves his bumper in the street S2E14: Michael says that Packer once held a man’s head into a toilet; it is also implied that Packer was the one who defecated in Michael’s office S2E15: Michael causes lots of damage in the warehouse by improperly using the lift (he also doesn’t have a license to operate it) S2E16: Michael jaywalks (technically illegal though typically not enforced); Michael comments that someone was pooping in a cardboard box in the subway S2E17: Dwight tackles Ryan, Creed, and Stanley to the ground S2E19: Michael finds out that he’s involved in a pyramid scheme S2E20: Dwight finds a joint in the parking lot (Pennsylvania didn’t make steps to decriminalize marijuana until 2014); Michael believes he unknowingly smoked marijuana at a concert; Dwight gives Michael some of his urine so that he can pass a drug test S2E21: Creed faces sideways after his company photo is taken, implying that he’s been arrested in the past S2E22: Creed steals casino chips and also admits to stealing things all of the time; Dwight kisses Angela and she hits him in response (though it seems like both parties were okay with the outcome) S3E1: Roy reveals that he was arrested for drunk driving S3E4: Creed reveals that the reason Ed Truck got decapitated was because he was driving drunk (though this was never confirmed and Creed tends to lie); the bird funeral is lit on fire (probably illegal as they did not have a permit and it was mainly paper and not wood) S3E5: Ryan and Dwight egg the front of Axelrod Ltd’s building S3E6: Jim rides his bike drunk (believe it or not, this is actually illegal) S3E7: Creed sells office equipment S3E8: Andy steals a computer from the Stamford office; after poking holes in everyone’s tires, Michael claims it was Vance Refrigeration workers that did it S3E9: It is revealed that Martin went to jail for insider trading; Kevin admits that insider trading sounds a lot like what he does as well S3E10: Creed removes a present from the charity box (removing uncollected items from charity drives is theft); Pam reveals that she has been sending fake letters from the CIA to Dwight, Jim later gets involved (illegal to pass yourself off as a CIA agent) S3E13: Andy punches a hole through the wall S3E16: Michael reveals that his eighth grade teacher hooked up with at least thirteen students; Dwight reveals that he hunted a werewolf as a child, but it’s more likely that he killed his neighbor’s dog; Dwight traps a bat in a bag over Meredith’s head S3E17: Creed reveals that he has a side business where he makes fake IDs for teens; Creed also reveals that he stole a laminating machine from the sheriff’s station; Dwight accidentally damages David’s roof while inspecting the chimney; Roy and his brother destroy multiple objects in a bar including a mirror, a chair, and multiple glasses (Roy’s brother later reveals that he paid off the bar owner to not call the cops on them) S3E18: Roy attempts to assault Jim in the office after finding out he kissed Pam; Dwight uses pepper spray on Roy when he attempts to assault Jim (this was done defense of Jim however); Jim reveals that Dwight has weapons such as nunchucks and throwing stars hidden in the office; Dwight uses pepper spray against Andy; Dwight is found to have more weapons hidden in his desk such as brass knuckles, a police baton, and a taser S3E19: Darryl reveals that Michael once kicked a ladder out from under him and caused him to break his ankle; Michael accidentally smashes a watermelon on the roof of someone’s car; Michael tries to convince the office that he’s going to commit suicide S3E20: A former Dunder Mifflin employee from the paper mill put a watermark of two cartoon animals having sex on about five-hundred boxes-worth of paper; Creed frames Debbie Brown from the paper mill for not catching the watermark on the paper, which results in her termination; it was revealed that Andy was unknowingly dating a high schooler (only illegal if they had sexual contact); Andy reveals that he and his high school girlfriend knocked over a mailbox with her friends S3E21: Phyllis claims that she was flashed by a man in the parking lot; when Jim calls the police to report the flasher, he says that the police have already gotten three calls; Creed implies that he has flashed people in the past; Jan offers Michael money in return for him driving to New York and having sex (it is illegal to accept or pay money for sex, even if the other person is not a prostitute); Meredith throws her trash out of her car window onto the street while also driving recklessly; while parking her car, Meredith scrapes another car; Creed reveals that he uses the women’s bathroom for bowel movements and has “paid dearly” for it in the past; Dwight and Andy put up barbed wire on the parking lot fence of the office (using barbed wire is typically illegal if the fence is adjacent to a public street) S3E22: Michael lights a bonfire on the beach (he likely did not have a fire permit) S3E23: Jim and Karen sneak into a theater to see the second half of Spamalot (would technically burglary, believe it or not, since they snuck in with the intent of stealing services); Jan claims that the reason she is being fired from Dunder Mifflin is because of her breast implants (though David says it is because of her work ethic) S4E1: Michael hits Meredith with his car and fractures her pelvis; Dwight attempts to mercy kill Angela’s cat by trapping it in her freezer S4E2: Michael claims that when he was a child, he had a foreign exchange student living with him that stole all of his blue jeans when he went back to his home country; Kelly tells Ryan that she is pregnant with his child in an attempt to get him to go on a date with her (this could fall under intentional infliction of emotional distress) S4E3: Michael and Dwight detain the pizza deliveryman in the office conference room; Dwight reveals that the pizza deliveryman steals hemp from his farm; Andy reveals that he stole the ice sculpture he brought to the party; Michael and Dwight steal a tray of sushi and some accessories from a restaurant S4E4: Dwight admits that the permits on the bed and breakfast side of Schrute Farms are still pending even though he is actively taking customers; Creed reveals that he has a second identity that he transfers his debt to; Michael and Jan are likely trespassing while they are sitting on the stationed train S4E6: Dwight attempts to create molotov cocktails to throw in the Utica office; Michael drives recklessly on the highway; while stealing the Utica branch’s industrial copier, Michael and Dwight break it; Dwight reveals more weapons that he has in the office, including a pack of knives, a pair of sai, a sword, and a blowdart (having these weapons in the open is not illegal, but concealing them is) S4E8: Michael purgers himself during Jan’s deposition S4E9: Jan throws a Dundie at Michael’s TV and breaks it S4E10: It is revealed that the model from Micahel’s chair catalog died in a car accident (Dwight says that she was stoned at the time and crashed into the side of an airplane hanger) S4E11: Ryan states that the Dunder Mifflin website was infiltrated by sexual predators (only illegal if they used it to transmit child pornography or arrange meetings with minors with the intent of sexual contact); it is heavily implied that Ryan and his friend Troy are under the influence of cocaine S4E12: Michael places his face in wet cement outside of the office (would be considered destruction of property) S4E13: Andy drives a golf cart recklessly and ends up destroying its roof (and potentially the cart as well) S4E14: Jim sets up Dwight’s cell and work phones to go to his Bluetooth and pretends to be him when clients call (could fall under criminal impersonation); Ryan commits fraud by having people re-record sales and is arrested for it; Dwight, Meredith, and Mose release a raccoon into Holly’s car (only illegal if it does damage to her car) S5E1: Phyllis blackmails Angela by threatening to reveal Angela and Dwight’s affair unless she lets Phyllis run the Party Planning Committee S5E3: Kelly reveals that she downloads pirated music onto her work computer, to which Michael responds, “who hasn’t”; Meredith reveals that she’s been sleeping with a supplier in exchange for discounts on supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates (could fall under the scope of prostitution); Michael threatens to kill everyone if they don’t go to the conference room S5E4: Dwight tries to destroy Jan’s $1,200 stroller S5E5: The office is robbed after Michael and Holly forget to lock the office’s front door; Creed implies that he made the last person who stole from him disappear, and that he stole the identity Creed Bratton from them S5E7: Kelly falsifies customer surveys regarding Jim and Dwight S5E9: Michael attempts to purchase marijuana from two Vance Refrigeration workers, and they trick him into buying a salad in a bag rather than drugs (intent to purchase illegal drugs is illegal, and so is selling counterfeit drugs); Michael and Dwight attempt to frame Toby with drug trafficking and possession of marijuana; when the cops arrive, Creed becomes incredibly worried that he’ll be arrested, implying that he either has drugs in the office, or is a drug dealer S5E10: Dwight tricks Angela into marrying him (this would be considered fraudulently inducing someone into marriage) S5E11: Creed is seen smoking out of a pipe likely containing kif, which has cannabis in it; Creed says that he can get fire permits very quickly, implying that they are possibly fake; Michael forces Meredith into going to a rehab facility (technically falls under the definition of kidnapping) S5E12: Jim uncovers more weapons that Dwight has hidden throughout the office; Andy pins Dwight against a fence with his car, Dwight dents Andy’s car S5E13: Jim connects a red wire to Dwight’s computer which leads outside to the top of the power pole (would qualify as vandalism to the pole); Michael and Dwight attempt to learn information about a competitor under the guise of a potential customer and potential employee (could be considered corporate espionage, but I couldn’t find any specifics) S5E14: Dwight induces panic law by simulating a fire in the office, he additionally damages multiple doors and cuts the phone wires; during the fire drill, multiple office employees damage items in the office including ceiling tiles, the copier machine, and the vending machine; Dwight reveals that he is planning a bomb scare; Dwight is shown to have a hunting knife strapped to his ankle, and he uses this knife to cut apart the CPR dummy (though corporate payed for the damages to the dummy); Andy, Jim, and Pam watch a pirated film S5E15: Dwight buys cookies from Toby in exchange for him signing a form (quid pro quo on this is illegal); Dwight attempts to have his coworkers sign his form under the guise of it being a sign-in sheet; Michael throws full slices of bread on the ground to feed pigeons (it was winter and there were no birds, so this could be considered littering) S5E16: Jim cuts the cord that connects Michael’s phone to the office’s PA system; Dwight finds out that Kelly went to juvenile detention when she was younger; Creed gives Jim a $3 bill (counterfeit money is illegal) S5E17: Creed says he knows where to buy a kid for $7,000; it’s revealed that the reason Kelly was in juvenile detention was because she stole her boyfriend’s father’s boat; Michael cuts off a sleeve from Holly’s sweater; Michael also takes a file off of Holly’s computer (would be classified as unauthorized computer access) S5E18: Phyllis and Bob have sex in a restaurant bathroom (this is technically public sex which is a misdemeanor); Creed steals a bag of blood from the blood drive S5E19: Dwight slaps Michael; Jim slaps Dwight S5E20: Dwight pretends to have kidnapped David’s son S5E21: Michael sneaks back into the office after being asked to leave (technically trespassing as it is private property and he was escorted out of the building) S5E22: Michael breaks his condominium agreement by having the Michael Scott Paper Company located within his condo (though the owner only sent a warning that he needed to stop); Ryan steals three pairs of bowling shoes before he quits the bowling alley; Michael asks Billy to sell him a ‘secret office space’ off of the books within the Scranton Business Park S5E23: Dwight claims that a woman named Haddie McGonagle was murdered in the Dunder Mifflin office space in 1816 (though he probably made this up) S5E24: Dwight steals supplies and files from the Michael Scott Paper Company’s office S5E26: While fixing her dress, Meredith accidentally reveals one of her breasts, as well as her crotch and her backside (was accidental, but could be considered public indecency) S5E27: Dwight cuts open the back of Phyllis’ blouse so he can give her a massage; Creed reveals that he doesn’t have any mirrors in his car that let him see behind the car (in Pennsylvania, it is illegal to drive without at least one mirror that lets you see behind the car) S5E28: Dwight’s friend Rolph once inquired about shoes that increased speed and didn’t leave any tracks, implying that he was going to commit a crime S6E1: Stanley wrecks Michael’s car with a tire iron S6E2: Dwight and Toby accidentally crash into a few trash cans outside Darryl’s house; Dwight uncovers that the real cause of Darryl’s injury was from misuse of company equipment S6E4: Michael ties full beer cans to the back of his car which left debris all over the road; Dwight implies that Mose is going to be castrating horses (only legal if Mose has a veterinary license, which is unlikely); Dwight also claims that he has a device which can make hamburgers out of horse meat without killing the horse (likely animal cruelty) S6E5: The Niagara Falls hotel staff incinerated Kevin’s shoes (they claim they did it because it was a safety issue); Dwight gifts a turtle to Jim and Pam for their wedding and appears to not have made any holes in the box (likely animal cruelty); Dwight accidentally kicks Isabel in the face while dancing S6E6: While answering Jim’s phone, Kevin pretends to be Jim and accidentally cancels his credit cards S6E7: Dwight secretly records the conversations in Jim’s office (Pennsylvania has a two-party consent law which means that all parties in the conversations must consent to being recorded); Andy talks about a 60 Minutes segment that went into working conditions of a paper mill in Peru (the 60 Minutes segment likely went into illegal conditions within the mill) S6E8: Meredith reveals that she has had sex with a known terrorist; while writing down things that people don’t want to be made fun of for, Creed says that if he writes his down, he cannot be charged for it; a custodian reveals that when Michael fell into the koi pond, he accidentally killed one of the fish S6E9: Ryan shows Erin a topless photo of Kelly in the office (could be considered indecent exposure since it was in a public space within the office); Creed implies that a shipping order was never supposed to reach it’s location, possibly indicating that he stole a shipment S6E10: Creed flees the office when Michael tells him that there was a murder and that he was a suspect, implying that he may be involved in a murder S6E12: Dwight secretly records a phone call between Jim and David S6E13: As part of Secret Santa, Andy gives Erin the Twelve Days of Christmas, inadvertently resulting in physical injury to her and potentially her home and car; Creed implies that he’s done “evil” things; Michael says that he has often claimed to be David’s childrens’ pediatrician to get him on the phone S6E16: Andy accidentally gives Meredith a large paper cut on her throat; Ryan implies to Dwight that they should torture Jim S6E17: While escorting Jim and Pam to the hospital, Dwight puts a police light on the top of his car; Michael uses his phone to text and make a call while driving; when being pulled over, Dwight throws multiple large weapons out his window; Michael parks in an ambulance-only parking spot S6E18: Dwight breaks a window to enter Jim and Pam’s home; after breaking in, Dwight discovers mold in their home and destroys walls and cabinets with a crew of workers so he can refurbish their kitchen; Jim comments that he had five parking tickets on his windshield S6E20: Creed tries to act casual when Michael announces that the lost and found has gone missing, implying he may have stolen it; Andy aggressively tries to take a pen from Darryl (could be considered battery); Dwight strangles Kevin in an attempt to get information from him; Michael and Dwight, and then later Andy and Erin, walk around the Scranton dump (would be considered trespassing); Michael and Dwight throw large pieces of garbage at each other; Michael and Dwight take two chairs from the dump S6E21: Phyllis claims she likes getting men to flirt with her so that Bob will beat them up; Michael accidentally damages multiple objects while being reckless at the bar; Dwight breaks his contract with Angela (unsure as to whether a lawyer was involved with the first contract, but Angela served Dwight with a summons for breaking it, leading me to believe it was legitimate); Hide admits that he killed a Yakuza boss on purpose and then came to America illegally S6E22: Meredith steals and uses Pam’s breast pump S6E24: Michael hires Dwight to follow Donna around to see if she’s cheating on him (following someone isn’t illega, but it could be considered stalking or harassment); Creed implies that he’s committed crimes for low levels of reward; Michael says he’s going to kill the guy who’s kissing Donna in her Facebook photo (though he immediately takes it back) S6E25: Michael keeps throwing out radon kits that Toby put around the office; Michael once again claims that he would kill Toby; Dwight claims that his money is buried underneath someone (though we don’t know if this is a grave or a buried corpse); Dwight and Angela’s lawyer comments that their sex contract is dangerously close to prostitution and illegal S7E1: Dwight tears the head off of Phyllis’ teddy bear and pulls a knife on Jim; Meredith breaks into Michael’s nephew’s car; Michael spanks his nephew S7E2: Dwight attempts to open a daycare center that is absolutely not up to safety codes; Toby allows Michael to forge his counseling paperwork S7E4: Dwight is shown attempting to pick up what would appear to be illegal immigrants for day labour and then instead of paying them, has Mose pretend to be an INS agent, kidnaps the workers, and then drops them off in Harrisburg; Holly claims that multiple people died in a traffic accident (though it’s incredibly likely that she was kidding); Michael takes an incredibly quick turn without his turn signal on S7E5: Michael, Dwight, and Jim secretly watch Danny’s meeting with Meredith through hidden cameras (only illegal if they are recording the footage) S7E7: Angela steals all of the scones from Cece’s christening (though they were for public consumption so it probably wouldn’t constitute as theft) S7E8: The Scranton Strangler leads police on a high speed pursuit; Michael tells Pam that he has a loaded gun hidden in his desk at the office; Michael cuts the cable going to Gabe’s apartment S7E10: Erin floats the idea of hiring a new employee, killing them, and then cashing in on the life insurance policy; Dwight and Phyllis float the idea of bombing China; Pam accuses Dwight of breaking property code laws S7E11: Dwight and Jim keep throwing snowballs at each other with force, and some that contained pebbles (snowball fights themselves aren’t illegal, but it’s illegal in most places to throw objects which could be considered missiles, and Jim is also shown with what appears to be blood on his clothes afterwards); Dwight asks Toby is he’s on the jury for the middle school teacher who tried to turn a foreign exchange student into a sex slave; Meredith asks Toby if it’s the case with the postman who rubbed his genitals on deliveries; Michael throws out supplies and food meant for the Christmas party; Dwight is shown dragging the Christmas tree out of the office to throw it out; one of the snowballs that Jim lobs at Dwight breaks a window; Michael throws Holly’s Woody doll into the trash and pours coffee on it S7E12: Jim stabs a few snowmen with his umbrella hoping that Dwight is hiding in one of them S7E13: Michael claims that regardless if Holly gets engaged or not, he will probably either attack people in rage or burn the building down in happiness S7E15: Michael leaves without paying at the Chinese restaurant; Creed is also listed on the wall of diners who did not pay for their meal S7E17: Michael most likely did not have permits to film in some of the locations featured in Threat Level Midnight; multiple characters in Michael’s film are seen using guns (you do not need a permit to have a gun in your home or business place in Pennsylvania, but multiple characters concealed their weapons during the film, though the guns are likely fake); a mannequin of Toby is blown up during Michael’s film (depending on the type of explosive used, certification may be required); during the hockey scene of the film, Michael comments that it was filmed during an actual Scranton High hockey game (could be seen as defiant trespassing and/or disorderly conduct) S7E18: Packer humps Michael and Dwight while they’re underneath a desk; Dwight throws away Holly’s zen garden; Dwight offers Packer a hot chocolate laced with many laxatives (depending on the amount, it could be considered assault or even homicide since extreme dehydration could kill someone); Andy purposely does damage to his computer’s keyboard and hard drive; Andy and Pam slightly damage Andy’s new computer; Jim and Dwight pretend to be Sabre employees and tell Packer he can jump the gate at Jo’s house S7E19: Ryan uses Phyllis and Oscar’s faces on his mom’s pesto and salsa recipes (would fall under right of publicity laws); Ryan adds a Kosher certification onto his mom’s pesto recipe (against FDA regulations); Michael pours gasoline all over the parking lot; Michael wants to steal a corpse from a medical school to use in his proposal to Holly S7E20: Michael eggs Toby’s house; Kevin colors on a restaurant tablecloth with crayons; Ryan admits to have done drugs in the past S7E21: Gabe confronts Andy and threatens him to stay away from Erin (could be considered criminal threatening); Deangelo claims that he caught the person who stole one of Jo’s dogs S7E24: Dwight accidentally fires his gun through the floor; Meredith claims that during the shooting she lost her necklace, a ring, and a painting and will be reporting it to the insurance company; Ryan claims that Dwight’s accident felt like an act of terrorism; Pam claims that Dwight has hidden more weapons in the office S7E25: Creed parks his car in the middle of the parking lot S7E26: Dwight admits that he would have created a fake identity for his character of Jacques Souvenier if Jo had hired him as manager S8E1: Dwight uses a fire extinguisher to knock Meredith off of the top of a bathroom stall, drops a ream of paper on a warehouse employee’s head to get him off a table, and flips a table over to get Toby off of it; Dwight throws Jim’s phone against the wall with force and a shatter is heard; Dwight instigates a fight between nearly everyone in the office S8E2: Andy says he will streak across the parking lot if the office accrues enough points S8E3: Dwight pours his drink on the inside of someone’s car; Oscar smashes the car’s window and brake light with a crowbar; Dwight drives the baler through the warehouse wall; Erin and Kevin spread grease all over the warehouse floor; Dwight, Jim, Erin, and Kevin damage multiple boxes of paper S8E4: Dunder Mifflin billboards across town are shown to be vandalized; Mose crashes Toby’s car into a corn field; Mose very tightly lines up everyone’s cars so that he can run across the roofs (he likely made scratches and dents while planning and executing this plan) S8E5: Dwight is shown to have brought many weapons into the office in the past as part of Halloween costumes and threatened to kill Toby with them (though the weapons were never concealed and Toby usually confiscated them before he entered the office S8E6: Oscar stated in an email that he believes that Robert has strangled at least one stripper; Kelly states in an email that they should kill Robert; Dwight’s accountability booster is dangerously close to a form of blackmail; Gabe says that he is going to go to a cemetery and drink (it’s actually illegal to drink in most cemeteries); Pam stops Kevin from hitting Dwight over the head with a frying pan; Jim takes Robert’s phone and attempts to deletes an email (technically illegal to use someone’s phone without their permission) S8E7: Dwight repeatedly grabs Jim’s crotch S8E8: A Civil War informational video reveals that the soldiers from Schrute Farm were soldiers that went AWOL S8E9: When Dwight suggests that everyone in the office is in a suicide cult, Creed strongly denies it, implying that he probably is in one; Jim leaves his car running and unattended in the middle of the parking lot S8E10: Dwight punches Jim in the arm; Erin asks Andy for Jessica to die; Meredith threatens to drive drunk if Andy doesn’t drive her home; Meredith rides in the back of her van without a seatbelt on S8E11: Andy asks Oscar to add $800 to their quarterly sales, implying it could be seen as a rounding error; Kevin offers to make that rounding error for Andy S8E12: Jim drives over Robert’s lawn and breaks his mailbox S8E15: Jim creates a fake murder scene in his hotel room for Dwight which involved stained towels, knocked over and possibly broken furniture, a writing on the door; Dwight threatens to light Jim’s face on fire; Dwight leaves the hospital with his IV solution bag, which implies he likely didn’t pay for his visit before leaving S8E16: Gabe sprays an inhaler into Packer’s drink; Dwight damages his hotel room keycard; Dwight sprays a compound of chemicals in Jim’s hotel room creating what he claims is a biohazard S8E17: Multiple homeless people are sleeping on the sidewalk outside the Sabre store (it’s usually only illegal for homeless individuals to sleep on the sidewalk if a shelter is available); Dwight tells Packer that he should act like a sexual predator when talking to the female teenage customers; a group of children throw pinecones at Andy and Pam, and one of them punches Andy in the face resulting in a black eye; Creed strikes the back of Meredith’s head; Ryan calls his uncle to get a prescription for Ritalin; Kelly attacks Toby and then accidentally elbows Andy in the face S8E18: Dwight leaves a treasure chest in the office which fires a poisoned dart upwards at whomever opens it; Jim and Dwight tackle and punch each other; Kevin forcibly kisses Meredith S8E19: Darryl drags Dwight out of his office by his hair; Andy tosses a container of eggplant parmesan onto the street; Andy leaves his car unattended in the middle of an intersection S8E20: Dwight offers to hit Nellie with a candlestick; Jessica’s friends throw food at Andy’s car S8E21: Andy smashes the frame holding a picture of Nellie; Andy punches another hole into the wall S8E22: Andy loiters at the office parking lot S8E23: Dwight and Jim create a fake identity to work around the commission cap (Dwight even admits that it’s extremely similar to embezzlement or fraud); Harry threatens to choke out Toby; Dwight tells Jim he should dent the hood of Harry’s car or slash the tires; Dwight attempts to activate the elevator’s seismic failsafes to stop the elevator; Pam steals Nellie’s phone and deletes all of her voicemails (technically illegal to use someone’s phone without their permission); Andy tells Robert if he doesn’t hire him back, he will give Prestige Direct Mail Solutions’ business to a competitor (technically blackmail) S8E24: Kevin and Robert accidentally head butt each other; Andy mops the carpets, likely damaging them; Dwight steals Philip’s used diaper so he can have a paternity test done (this is called gene theft); Angela and Dwight both speed and drive recklessly; Angela hits Mose multiple times; Dwight and Mose both leave their cars unattended in the middle of the street; Robert forcibly kisses Andy; Dwight forces himself on Angela (though seconds later she is a willing participant) S9E1: Andy threatens to make up a reason to fire Nellie (since Toby is aware of this, if Nellie were to sue Andy, Toby would have to testify against him); Andy purposely pushes Nellie off of the slack-lining rope; Dwight deconstructs Dunder Mifflin equipment to create his trapeze set; Dwight gets stuck on the slack-line and the fire department has to come to get him down; Andy places all of the recycling bins near Nellie and has people throw their trash at her S9E2: While the building’s janitor is on vacation, the building becomes incredibly dirty to the point where rats can be seen (likely against multiple health codes); Nellie forces Dwight into a situation where he has to chop off her hand (though he doesn’t go through with it) S9E3: Nellie drives recklessly; Nellie uses her phone while driving S9E4: Dwight and Toby find EMF hotspots in the office which could imply that there’s poor wiring in the building (depending on how bad the wiring actually is, this could actually break laws); Stanley threatens to spank Clark; Dwight drives the work bus (depending on the type of bus it was, Dwight would need a certain license to drive it); Phyllis asks someone to just start driving the bus while Dwight is on the roof; Dwight drops himself through the rooftop emergency exit on the bus onto Jim; Dwight drives the bus recklessly S9E5: Creed comes into the office with blood stains all over his clothes (it likely was not his blood, so he may have harmed someone); Andy reveals he had sex with a snowman while at Cornell (would fall under public indecency); Dwight catches Meredith in a net and causes her to fall to the floor S9E6: Kevin leaves his car in the middle of the parking lot so he can run to the bathroom; Oscar forges documents to make it looks like Kevin has been taking money from Dunder Mifflin; Nellie, Jim, Pam, and Darryl create a situation where Dwight believes that police have surrounded David’s house; Pete’s friend Flipper once drunkenly flipped a table over at a bar S9E7: Dwight claims he used to have a barber who fought dogs and made dogs fight each other; Clark is used as leverage by Dwight to get Jan’s business (this trade would be dangerously close to prostitution) S9E8: Dwight reveals that Trevor has had numerous guns stolen from him; Angela hires Trevor to murder Oscar; Dwight claims he has left poop in a paper bag on people’s porches (would be classified as vandalism); Trevor claims that people have left poop in a bag on his porch multiple times; Angela asks Trevor to break Oscar’s kneecaps instead; Trevor brings a concealed weapon into the office; Phyllis taps a stranger on the back with the sharp end of a knife; Phyllis forcibly removes a decorative wine bottle from its base; Angela kicks Oscar in the shin S9E9: Dwight hits Oscar and Jim with a stick; Darryl collapses on a table and breaks it in half S9E10: Dwight throws his coffee cup up in the air, likely staining the carpet; Dwight sprays a disinfectant in Erin, Pam, Angela, and Meredith’s faces; Erin tackles Stanley; Meredith reveals that one of her exes keyed a bunch of people’s cars; Meredith also reveals that she pooped into an office shredder; Dwight accidentally sets off an insecticidal grenade (I don’t believe there is a real insecticidal grenade but I’m sure there’s some law against either setting one off or doing so with people nearby); Angela hits Oscar in the head with a coffee pot; Kevin misuses one of the warehouse machines and causes it to break; Dwight accidentally sets off another insecticidal grenade in his car (he most likely still drove his car after while experiencing hallucinogenic side effects) S9E11: Jim is seen driving a motorcycle (Jim likely did not have a motorcycle license); Dwight suggests that Jim should drive 240 miles per hour so he can get to the office faster; Creed steals Phyllis’ ring; Kevin forcibly lifts Angela up multiple times; Darryl misses a basketball hoop and accidentally breaks a wall lamp and electrocutes a fish tank (though Darryl agreed to pay for the damage); multiple people in the office tear up the carpet flooring S9E12: Dwight rips open a couch cushion with a knife; Dwight drives one of the delivery trucks (he likely does not have a license to drive the truck); Dwight throws a milkshake through the drive-thru window at an employee; a customer in the drive-thru throws a milkshake at Dwight S9E13: Dwight reveals that Rolf uses hand grenades to fish; Mose is seen running in the middle of the street (could be considered jaywalking); Dwight reveals that when he was a child, he went to a school that was run by a conman; one of Dwight’s friends reveals that the school used the students as labor; Melvina reveals that she’s been double parked for about two hours; Dwight gives the sales rep applicants Jim’s home address so they can toilet paper it; Rolf tells Dwight to be weary of any suspicious packages he may get, implying that he’ll be sending him potentially dangerous packages; Dwight attempts to suffocate Clarke S9E14: Frank vandalizes Pam’s warehouse mural; Angela hits Oscar; Dwight and Pam vandalize Frank’s truck; Frank rushes at Pam with the intent to hit her; Brian hits Frank in the face with his boom mic S9E15: Meredith suggests that everyone in the office should try cocaine S9E16: Dwight’s Aunt Shirley slaps Angela; Andy snoops through Erin’s phone; Andy kicks Toby; Angela accidentally sets off the hose on Dwight (the hose likely has the same pressure as a firehose, which is about 150 PSI, so this could be considered assault); Toby leaves the prison wearing a neck brace after visiting the Scranton Stranger, implying the Strangler attempted to strangled him; S9E17: Dwight throws dirt in the faces of Erin, Phyllis, Kevin, Oscar, Meredith, Angela, Stanley, Pam and Jim; Dwight’s brother Jeb drives his car into Aunt Shirley’s grave; Packer reveals he’s in Narcotics Anonymous, implying he used to use drugs; Dwight reveals that his family members have accidentally buried family members who were thought to be dead but were actually in deep sleep; Dwight unloads a shotgun into his aunt’s corpse; Jeb reveals that he owns a worm farm in California (medical marijuana was not legalized in California until 2018); Packer reveals that the cupcakes he gave out to everyone in the office, as well as to Jim and Darryl were laced with drugs, some legal and some not; Packer is seen having parked his car halfway between a handicapped spot and a do-not-park zone; Clarke reveals that while drugged, he defected in some bushes S9E18: Dwight dumps a bucket of water onto Phyllis, and is likely the same person who dumped a bucket of water onto Andy as well (technically would be classified as assault); Meredith exposes her breasts in the office; Angela slaps Oscar S9E19: Dwight shoots Stanley with three tranquilizers meant for a bull (horse tranquilizers can cause serious harm to humans, and a bull tranquilizer likely has a higher dosage); Meredith squirts some of the bull tranquilizer into her drink (probably not illegal since she put it into her own drink, but it would be classified as placing a foreign object into an edible, which is actually a felony); Dwight and Clarke accidentally slam Stanley’s unconscious body into two walls; while sliding down a flight of stairs, Stanley’s unconscious body makes a dent in the wall; Andy kicks over an empty trash can; a man at the talent agency claims that through his dog-cat-mouse act, he goes through a lot of mice (allowing your pet to eat live animals can be considered animal cruelty); Stanley tranquilizes himself so that he doesn’t have to climb the stairs S9E20: Creed smashes a melon on the warehouse floor; Pam accidentally hits Toby in the eye with a paper airplane; Erin reveals that when she was in the orphanage, she once ripped Susan’s pigtails off of her head; Erin crushes a box of packing peanuts; Clarke asks Pam and Jim to share the drugs he think they’re high on; Angela is seen taking rolls of toilet paper from the office S9E21: Lackawanna County takes away “two sacks” worth of Angela’s cats because she is violating her apartment complex’s pet rules; Dwight throws his briefcase and hits multiple items; Dwight nearly kicks and punches multiple in the office; Andy asks Toby to falsify files; Andy attempts to grope Toby; Andy dedicates on David’s car (this would be classified as vandalism and public indecency); S9E22: Dwight reveals that his grandmother was shot by Adolph Coors; Dwight throws the summoning bag against the back of Jim’s head; Casey Dean jumps on the back of the a cappella show host; Meredith spanks Darryl; Dwight is seen driving with his police light on his car; Dwight drives recklessly S9E23: Dwight reveals that Creed faked his own death; Dwight also reveals that the police are looking for Creed as he sold drugs, trafficked endangered animal meat, and stole weapons-grade LSD from the military; Oscar reveals that Kevin used to make up numbers to balance the books; Mose kidnaps Angela and locks her in his trunk for three hours; Creed changes his identity; Ryan reveals that his partner abandoned him and their child; Ryan purposely gives his son an allergic reaction; Kelly and Ryan abandon his son with Ravi; Nellie takes Ryan’s son as her own child (she didn’t legally adopt him so this would be considered child abduction); Pam attempts to sell their home without Jim’s knowledge (since Jim bought the house as a surprise, his name is likely on the deed as well and Pam wouldn’t be able to sell it without him); Kevin spills alcohol all over a cabinet while filling up glasses
Hey! I'm currently on a business trip in Canada (Toronto, Markham) for three weeks and was hoping to get some advice for where I can play some live poker. I typically beat $10NL 6-max online. Full ring sounds a bit boring so I would prefer smaller table sizes. Might be interested in tournaments as well. I've set an imaginary 500 CAD bank roll for this purpose.
Lily woke up with a start. She tried to return to sleep, but the blaring of her alarm clock erased any chance of that happening. She picked it up and threw it at the wall. A loud clang resonated throughout the room, waking up Liberty. She was a loyal golden-doodle that had been with her for the past eight years. They had gone through this morning routine hundreds of times. Liberty bounded onto Lily's lap, making her sit up. "You ready for today Libby?" Lily whispered. Liberty barked in response. The sun shined through the plexiglass windows of their spacious loft. Lily looked at the beauty that was Central Park as she sipped her hot chocolate. She looked at her feet to find Libby chowing down on her breakfast. She looked out into the New York skyline whilst finishing the contents of her mug. Liberty looked out as well. A ring emitted from Lily's right pocket as she latched Liberty's collar. She didn't need to look at the screen to know who it was. She was expecting this call. "Hey Colin, I'm just taking Libby for her morning walk. I'll be there in an hour," she told him. She didn't wait for his response and hung up instead. Liberty led the way as they walked out of the apartment building and onto the street. She had just dropped Liberty off at home and was now taking a seat at the round mahogany table of Meeting Room 3. She was browsing the news on her phone when Colin slid a folder across the table. "I'm sorry Lily, the algorithm can do things you can't and does what you can do faster," Colin said. Lily looked up and opened the folder. "An algorithm can't have conversations with clients, I can. An algorithm can't understand social cues, I can. You can hack an algorithm but you can't hack a human for God's sake, Colin!" Lily shouted. Colin stood up and took the folder. "I'm sorry Lily, this has to happen," Colin replied. Lily sat up, straightened her jacket and walked out of the room. She knew what was coming. There had been a rumour that the firm had acquired advanced software that could take their jobs. Her only problem was that the firm had fired her first. The email said the algorithm was only being tested for now. If it worked, she would be the first of hundreds of employees to be fired. She spent the rest of the afternoon at home. She kept telling herself that everything would be okay. That she would find a job and that she would be able to make rent. She was scrolling through various job websites as she fiddled with the ring on her left hand. After hours of searching, she couldn't find a job with a high enough pay. If she took any of these jobs she would have to move out, and she was not doing that. The apartment was her dream. She decided that she had done enough job hunting for a day and poured herself a drink. She didn't stop. It was 6:00 pm and her 3-litre bottle of scotch was nearly empty. She was thinking, and drinking helped her think. She needed a way out and finding another job was not going to work. She drank and thought. She did this until an idea struck her. An idea that worked in the movies and that could work in real life. An idea that seemed so unrealistic, it seemed possible. No, it would never work. It's 2019 and it would be impossible to get away with it. But they needed it. Ever since Lily's grandma had to go on life support, they lost all of their savings. She couldn't abandon her. It had to be done. She still remembers all those Sunday afternoons going out for ice cream after church. A singular tear dripped down her cheek. It was decided, they needed this. She called someone she knew could help. That person said yes. She hung up and lay down on her couch. She slept with a smile that night. It was the next morning, and she was already on her laptop doing research. She needed to buy equipment. She needed to disguise them. She only stopped when she felt something on her right foot. She looked down to see Liberty lying down. Lily got up and filled Liberty's bowl with food and water. She was on the phone when the package arrived. Liberty walked over as Lily flipped open its latches. She held it in her hands and looked down the barrel. She felt every indent and every bump on its metallic shell. She looked at Liberty and looked back at the weapon. She placed it back inside its case and took a seat on the couch. She turned on the T.V as Liberty took a seat beside her. She had all the tools she needed, it was only a matter of when. It had been a week since they had come up with the plan. All the pieces were in place. All she had to do was step out of the cab she was currently in. Lily paid the driver, opened the door, stepped out of the cab, and waited for Libby to exit. She put on her sunglasses and gripped the leather leash in her right hand. As they crossed the street, she looked up and read the sign. The Bank of New York. She walked through the large glass doors and continued to the middle of the building. There were two elegant spiral staircases in front of her with booths to her left and right. There were only two security guards, one only armed with a baton, the other armed with a small handgun. This was not a problem. She waited a few seconds and soon one of the guards held their microphones close to their mouths. Soon both guards were no longer in the building. She looked over to booth 9 and found a man with his thumbs up. She transferred the leash to her left hand and reached into her pocket with her right. She pulled out her custom-fit 50 calibre Desert Eagle and fired a round into the ceiling. She let go of Liberty's leash. As soon as that happened, Liberty ran towards the front exit and growled at anyone nearby. Everyone in the room instantly ruled out the front door as an exit. There was nowhere to go. Lily ran to the stairs and stood at the bottom. "Everybody listen up! I'm here for the money and nothing else! Nobody try to be a hero, 'cause nobody in this room can survive a shot to the head," Lily shouted. Liberty barked in response making everyone even more nervous. Lily pointed at two bank tellers and threw garbage bags at them. "Fill those up!" Lily yelled. The two scurried to opposite sides of the room and opened up the registers. They didn't have long. The police were probably on the way; the nearest station was 7 kilometres away. They had 3 minutes, and even that was pushing it. The tellers were fast, and soon Lily had the equivalent of a 420k in 4 trash bags. She whistled and Liberty ran over to her. Lily picked up her leash and they ran. Lily pushed open the fire exit and ran towards a dark blue Honda Civic. She pulled the door open and Liberty bounded inside. She sat in the driver's seat and was about to step on it when suddenly, the passenger door opened. "About to leave without me, were you?" He said as he sat down. He was wearing a red shirt with khaki pants and a shiny plastic name tag that read 'Marcus'. He was a genius. He stole one of the guard's extra walkies and told them there was an emergency in another building. He told Lily when the traffic was worst in this area so that they could slow down the police. He was also Lily's fiance. She smiled and stepped on the gas. It was 5:00 am the next day and the Civic was stopped at a Seven-Eleven just off Highway 81. Marcus was inside picking up some food as Lily stuck the gas pump into the dark blue Civic. She looked up and made sure no one was around or acting suspicious. Unsurprisingly, she saw nothing in the dark and deserted Seven-Eleven and shed off her worries convincing herself they had escaped. It was nearly midnight when they arrived at Fallsview Casino. The valet parked their car and the duo proceeded to walk under the glass structure that arced over the entrance. Marcus held the door open as Lily walked through. They had gone through the painful process of creating a new bank account complete with a chequing account, a savings account, and debit and credit cards. The bank staff had been a bit suspicious but a thousand dollars had solved that problem. With their newfound wealth, they decided to spend a little to make a little. They had set aside a couple thousand dollars to have fun with the next day. But first, they needed rest. They had just committed a bank robbery and they needed sleep, desperately. Marcus checked them in and they brought their bags to the room. They set them down on the carpeted floor and collapsed onto the bed. Lily woke up at around 6:00 pm to find a note on the bed. Marcus was out buying them some new clothes. He had left a ham sandwich and a salad on the bedside table for her. She sat up and Liberty bounded onto her lap. Lily ruffled her fur and Liberty lay down beside her. Lily grabbed the salad and turned on the T.V. It was set to a local news channel broadcasting a pie-eating competition. She watched until she finished her salad and put on a change of clothes. She walked through the halls with the sandwich in her hands. Waiting. Contemplating. Thinking. Waiting for the police to show up and rip everything she had worked for from her hands. Contemplating her choices leading up to this point. Thinking about what would happen if they got caught. She took a bite of the sandwich and looked out the window, seemingly looking for an answer to her questions. Looking for a way out of her thousand-piece-puzzle of a situation. Nobody understood. Nobody felt what she felt. She felt a tap on her shoulder as she thought all this. She turned around to see Marcus with Liberty at his feet. Nobody understood. Except for him. They walked back to the room, put away the clothes, and walked to the Casino floor. Marcus played a few slot machines and made a couple of hundred dollars. Lily played blackjack and made a few hundred there. They were heading out for a few drinks when someone caught Lily's eye. He walked with arrogance, somehow enunciating every step he took. He wore clothes that suggested he was living an elegant lifestyle. Lily was not the only person to notice. People looked up from their games when they heard the jingle that resounded from his chain as he walked by. He took a seat at an empty poker table and reached into his pocket. Lily had already pushed her way to the table when he pulled out a metal sphere with a swiveling eye. He took it out and marvelled at it. He set it down and cleared his throat. "What I have here is a state of the art robot. However, this robot does not do what normal robots do. You know what it does?" He didn't even wait for a response and instead continued. "It plays poker!" He yelled. It was at that point that the casino security had reached the table. The stranger looked back and flashed his driver's license. That was all it took for the guards to back off. "I challenge anyone in this room to play against this robot!" he announced. He looked around to find the answer gith in front of him. Lily took a seat and rolled up her sleeves. "Let's play." They started slow, each only betting a couple of hundred dollars. Lily won a hand, and the robot won a hand. They traded until Lily had had enough. She lost her job to a robot. A robot had made her rob a bank. A robot was the last thing she wanted to beat her. She needed to end it. She needed to end it now. She threw her debit card onto the table. "You mind me betting a little extra?" she said. He looked into her eyes and saw the blaze behind them. He saw it and smiled. "Sure, but you're about to lose a lot of money." He snarked. The dealer handed out the cards. Lily had the eight and king of hearts. The dealer put down the flop. A seven of hearts, eight of clubs, and 3 of spades were the cards. He put down the turn and an eight of spades showed itself. "Let's skip the theatrics mister dealer, put down the last card already!" The stranger yelled. The dealer hurriedly set down the last card. An eight of diamonds. Lily showed her cards. She had a four of a kind, plus a king. That was the third-best hand she could have gotten. The stranger showed his hand. He had a four of a kind, plus an ace. He laughed and swiped the cards. Lily wrote down the P.I.N and ran away. She ran to their room and fell face-first onto the bed. Liberty barked as she sat down at the side of the bed. Marcus entered the room with a box of tissues. She cried for a while. She cried until Marcus gave her a drink. He handed her a scotch on the rocks. She was thinking, and drinking helped her think. She thought until an idea struck her. An idea so unrealistic, it just might work. An idea that never happened, not even in the movies. She told her fiance. He said yes. They left the hotel to gather supplies. Liberty barked as she walked alongside them. It was the next morning, and they were at the Hotel Fairmont in Toronto. Lily took a bite of her bagel as she continued counting the cash. They had split up the money into 4 bags. Marcus counted two, and Lily counted the other two. They were too busy counting to notice Liberty step on the T.V remote. It turned on and was set to a news channel. The channel cut to a shot of a building reduced to rubble. Firefighters had put on the blaze, but the whole building had collapsed. The view changed to include a sign on the ground. It read 'Hotel and Casino'. The view changed again to show the Niagara Falls behind the rubble. The view changed once more to include another sign. This one read 'Fallsview'.
Niagara Falls has changed things up since I was last there. There are 2 casinos, Fallsview and Casino Niagara, and they used to each have a poker room. Niagara had 1/2, 2/5 and probably on up, I don't know because I am a low-stakes player. Fallsview had went up from 2/5. Fallsview no longer offers Poker, only Casino Niagara. They have moved their tables to a newly constructed room. The old room was in the lower level, but open to the rest of the casino, where the bings and bongs of the slots were part of the soundtrack. The new room is off to the back, has 26 nice, new tables, comfy chairs, and is walled off from the bustle of the casino floor. Limit runs 3/6 to 50/100, and NLHE is 1/3 to 50/100. There are also some Omaha, I think. Buy-in is maxed at 100BB. One big difference is that they have disposed of the rake. Instead, every 30 minutes there is a dealer swap, and everyone throws in a $6 "seating charge". So it's $12/hr to play a rakeless table. There is a pull for the BBJ. Speaking of the BBJ, it's 50/25/25, and according to the rules, a full house of Aces over Queens or better, must be beat by a higher full house, Quads, or Straight Flush. Both hole cards must play. Right now it's running at a shade over 100K CDN. Keep in mind that in Canada, gambling winnings are not taxable. As far as play is concerned, there was lots of action, but none of it went my way. The players seemed to know their stuff, and were nowhere near as loose as I had hoped. There were some 100-200BB pots, but I wasn't in 'em. I think Niagara might not be as loose as some other places, as there are something like 7 million people in the Greater Toronto area, and this is the only casino within the 2 hour drive. As well, there were some out-of-towners, one from Texas and one from London at the table. Shitty variance day. Had an OESD + 4 to the flush coolered at the river. One hand I had AQo, flop A84, turn A, called the guy all-in, and the motherfucker flips over pocket 8's. One hand I had the nut flush, bet 10BB into a 5BB pot and got ONE caller. Oooooo, a whole $42 payout for the nuts. It was just not my night. Stupid shit like folding 46 pre and seeing a 664 flop. Lady Luck was spitting in my eye at times. Eventually I busted out and headed home. That's poker. I wasn't bringing money I couldn't afford to lose, I enjoyed my time there, the table was pretty sociable, and I had a good time. I actually had more money in my budget for the night, but the way things were running for me, I decided not to rebuy. Knowing when to pull the plug is a skill I am still learning. I've gone from "Where's the fucking ATM?" to "That's poker. Have a good night, gents." Have a good night, gents. EDIT: Sorry, there are other casinos within 2 hours of Toronto. There's Rama, with 10 tables, Brantford with 14, and Blue Heron with 7, but those numbers might not be accurate. EDIT 2: If you are thinking of visiting, competition for the tourist dollar is substantial, and the off-season is coming up. Shop around, there are some really nice hotels, suites overlooking the Falls, that can be had in the $100 range mid-week, maybe a little more on the weekends.
Inspired by a recent post about Ontario casinos, here is a report on my recent trip to Caesars Windsor (Nov 1-3). First thing to note is Caesars Windsor has a legitimate, real-deal craps pit. 2 crapless craps tables and 4 craps tables. Friday night the 4 craps tables were open ($15 minimum, 1 table fluctuated between $15-25) and one crapless craps tables were open. Basically, if you wanted to play you could find a spot for a game with a decent pace of play. (This has not been my experience at Fallsview in Niagara Falls, for example, which only has 2 craps tables on the main casino floor -with only 1 table open during the day). $10 minimum tables were available Thursday night and Friday afternoon. Generally at least 2 craps tables open from 10 AM on. The crapless table opened at noon, from what I saw. Sometimes a table would be reserved for a high-roller ... the upside being when he left a fully staffed table opened up for other players. Second point is that Caesars has full 5X odds. "Full" odds allows $15 pass/come bets to take $125 odds on 6/8 and $100 odds on 5/9. So this provides a good opportunity to press up your odds on a hot roll and/or start with high odds bets. Additional odds (beyond a simple 5 X multiplier) are available on flat bets of $30, $75 (multiples of $3, generally speaking). When full 5X odds are applicable, payouts for all the numbers are the same (e.g., with $15 flat bets and max "full 5X odds" the payout for all the numbers is $165). [An old Alan Krigman column online explained "full odds" this way ... Imagine a casino with a $3 minimum, single odds and no chips with denominations under $1... On points of 6/8, $3 odds would not result in a proper payout ... therefore, single odds on points of 6/8 are $5. Similarly, $3 odds does not lead to a proper payout on points of 5/9, therefore single odds on points of 5/9 are $4. If the same casino goes to "full 5X" odds, a $3 minimum bet can now take $25 odds on the 6/8 (5 times $5 single odds) and a $3 minimum bet can now take $20 odds on the 5/9 (5 times $4 single odds) ... Scaling up from $3 results in a $15 flat bet being allowed to take $125 on the 6/8 and $100 on the 5/9]. Third point is that Caesars has the Fire bet. Fourth point. Caesars Windsor dealers are friendly and good. They do get a fair bit of craps play (from what I saw). The more experienced dealers worked the afternoon shift, with greener dealers working at night. I play an aggressive style of line bets + odds, placing the 6/8 and continuous come bets. If my 6/8 hits I (basically) full press my wager by putting odds (e.g., $10 come bet, place 6/8 $30 each, 6 hits, comes to 6, down with $50 odds, $10 come bet, $5 in the rack). My bad habits are 1) $15 hardway on the point if the point can be rolled hard (i.e., 4/10 or 6/8- open to suggestions on what hardways to bet on points of 5/9) and 2) $75 YO-ELEVEN if 2 YOs have hit consecutively (going for the trio ... 0-2 on this bet this trip). AT $10 minimum my come bets will take $50 odds (although I did scale down to double odds, with $25 odds for 6/8 at times). AT $15 minimum I'd generally take $30 odds on 4/10, $40 odds on 5/9 and $50 odds on 6/8. Sometimes just go straight to $50 odds. With $15, I'd press up my odds to the "full 5X odds" maximum on a hot streak. Lots of volatility with some bad sessions and some good sessions and escaped with a modest profit. Alas, the dealers didn't do well on my bets for them. My general tipping method (to give some tips while I'm playing) flows through my hardway bets. If one of my $15 hardway bets hits, I a press it up $5 for 4/10 (to $20) and press up $10 for 6/8 (to $25) and then throw $5 on that hardway for the dealers (and hand-in a $5 tip). I think they hit exactly 1 of these hardway bets over the whole trip. Also - when I was going for my fifth point to the Fire Bet - I needed a 4 - I had the dealers $22 inside, $3 hard 4 and place the 4 for $5 .... and .... and .... and .... 7-out immediately followed. All-in-all a good trip.
Working at a casino was not exactly #lifegoals. But it was better, I reflected, as I glanced down at my scratchy pink poodle skirt and ankle-grinding roller skates, than being a waitress at a Fifties theme restaurant. Anything is better than working at a theme restaurant. Believe me. If you hear ‘Fifties restaurant’ and start dreaming of Uma Thurman and John Travolta dancing with wild abandon, stop it. Tarantino lied to you. It’s just screaming children and drunk tourists, all the way down. Which was why, when my Friday morning shift in that hell finally ended, I shrugged back into street clothes and left for my interview at the Grand Imperial Casino with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. I’d hoped that by my twenty-fourth year of life, I’d be interviewing for something a bit more ambitious than blackjack dealer at the newest addition to the Las Vegas strip, but at this point I’d take what I got. The bus ride downtown was boring, so I’ll break here to introduce myself: my name is Mika. Well, technically, my name is Miguelita Hortensia Maria Francisca de Toledo Rosario Vasquez. But that’s too long even by Mexican standards, so go ahead and call me Mika Rosario, because that’s going to save us both a bunch of time. Yeah, you think YOU hate going to the DMV. Anyway, today was going to be my day. I’d traded shifts with one of the other girls who owed me a favor and put up with the desperately sad crowd that wanted to eat breakfast surrounded by bored actors dressed up like extras from Grease, because this afternoon was important. This afternoon was my ticket out of the world of waitressing, even if that ticket only took me a few blocks down the road. No more poodle skirts, no more roller skates, no more children competing to see who can snort a milkshake through their nose, no more teenage boys leering at my cleavage until their eyes fell out. I mean, I was applying to work at a casino, so I was pretty much just trading those teenage stares in for a whole new set, courtesy of a horde of middle-aged middle-managers in from the Midwest for a convention on midsize sedans, but at least it was a change. My boobs were looking forward to the variety. So, there I was, sitting in a massive ballroom at the Grand Imperial with about four hundred other people, waiting for my name to be called. It was a nice ballroom, if nothing else, with real white linens on the tables and carpet that didn’t look like they stole the design from a Dixie cup in 1997. It ought to be nice, though, since the newspapers claimed that this place had cost over a billion dollars just to build, never mind the cost of buying out land on the Strip. All the more reason to get my foot in the door here. If this Robbie Mo guy that came in from Macau to set up the Grand Imperial had that kind of money to throw around, then there had to be a way for me to work my way up through the ranks to where I’d get some real cash. And no more roller skates. “Me-gall-nita… Rose-mario?” The call came at last and I sprang up, smiling as broadly as I knew how and ignoring the way the guy with the list butchered my name. They could call me Mud, for all I cared, so long as they got me away from Big Donny’s Roller-Diner. The first few rounds of the mass interview were easy, to be honest. Out of all those hundreds of people massed in the ballroom, the Grand Imperial people eliminated three hundred with a simple test as to whether or not they even knew how to play blackjack, let alone deal professionally. Most of them, apparently, couldn’t even count to twenty-one. I breezed through that round, and the two that came after it. I’d been slinging blackjack since I was eight, when my dad first set me down and made me help him practice counting cards. Carlos Rosario was a ‘professional’ gambler. Professional, in the sense that it was the only plan he ever had to make money and support his family, and ‘professional’ in the sense that he lost more than anybody I’ve ever seen, no matter how he tried to cheat. Anyway, dealing was easy. I threw in a few flippy bits, flicking aces from one knuckle to the other before returning them to the shuffle, and dancing the spread back and forth before snapping cards out to my nonexistent players. It was simple stuff that any idiot could learn on YouTube, but the interviewers ate it up, whispering to each other like sixth-grade girls. It was round four when everything got weird. My first clue that I’d merged onto the highway to the crazy zone was when a man in a black suit asked me to follow him. He was tall and blond, super hot in a ‘my sense of humor was surgically replaced with a third fist’ kind of way, and he escorted me into an elevator made of mirrors without ever saying more than three words at a time. All the previous rounds of the interview had been held in partitioned temporary rooms on one side of that huge ballroom, but apparently those of us who made it to the final round got to see a nicer bit of the Grand Imperial. That was what I thought on the elevator ride, anyway. I had no idea exactly how nice the bit I’d be seeing was until I stepped off on the 50th floor and felt my jaw drop so far that it should’ve hit the floor. Gold. Enough gold to make the Pope blush, enough gold to buy out the king of Spain, enough gold to...I don’t even know. There was nothing I could think of buying, nothing that I could even IMAGINE, that required that much money. It was a lot of freaking gold. Hot Security Guy frog-marched me through Versailles 2.0 like we were walking down a blank concrete hallway instead of something out of Liberace’s nightmares, before plopping me down opposite the final interviewer. He was Asian, probably Chinese or Japanese extraction, middle-aged and friendly-looking, like his face naturally wanted to smile. Bit of gray at his temples, bit of extra padding at the belly, but it all seemed to suit him, like he’d been destined to be that way since he was born. Somebody’s kindly grandpa, except he wasn’t old enough yet. He didn’t say much as I ran through my dealing routine, which didn’t exactly make me happy. A bead of sweat ran down the back of my neck the moment I picked up the deck set on the desk between us, a bead that turned into a river, that turned into Niagara Falls by the time I was done. I pulled out a few extra tricks at the end, flashy little flips that I wouldn’t usually dare try with anybody watching, even palmed a joker into the deck and spun it out face-up, but it was like trying to get blood from a stone. Friendly Grandpa’s smile never so much as twitched, for good or bad. Finally, I couldn’t take it. “Look, that’s what I’ve got,” I vented, cascading the deck back together and slapping it down on the desk. “If you’re looking for more...frankly, I don’t know who the hell you’re looking for. Four rounds of interviews, for a job dealing blackjack? That’s just stupid.” Uh oh. There it went, then. My chance to bust out of the land of pink poodle skirts and greaser jackets. Great job, Mika; all you had to do was keep your mouth shut and flip the cards, but you had to let your temper get the best of you. Then the interviewer finally spoke. “Do you know who I am, Miss Rosario?” I gulped. “My new boss?” I suggested lamely, mustering up my best plucky smile. “My name is Mo Ka-Fai,” he informed me, as I felt my blood turn to ice. “Most people around here call me Robbie.” Robbie...Mo... Robbie Mo. ROBBIE FREAKING MO. AKA the guy who owned the casino I was sitting in, plus half of the Mirage and who knew how many more in Macau. The news hadn’t stopped talking about how stupid rich he was since they first broke ground on the Grand Imperial. “Oh,” I squeaked. So I hadn’t just mouthed off at my interviewer and tanked my chances of getting the dealer job, I’d insulted a man who could literally blackball me from the entire city of Las Vegas if he felt like it. That was bad. “Sorry.” “I didn’t tell you that to spook you, Miss Rosario,” Mo announced, a sentiment that did nothing to unfreeze my spine or untwist my stomach. “That wasn’t the point. The point was to let you know that you are dealing with the person who makes decisions. A serious person. Somebody who is not in the business of making jokes or playing pranks. Is that clear to you?” I nodded like a bobblehead doll. He wasn’t telling me to leave, at least. That had to mean I was still in the running for the job...right? “Good,” he continued. “Jason, bring in the kittens.” He gestured over my shoulder towards Hot Security Guy, as I felt my brow knit in confusion. Had he just said...kittens? What? Lo and behold, the kittens were...actual cats. HSG disappeared behind a side door, only to reappear a moment later with a cardboard box full of mewing little fluffballs in at least a dozen colors, two or three tiny heads peeking above the lip to see what was happening. The box was deposited at my feet, whereupon two dozen curious eyes blinked up at me. “Um,” I managed, my eyebrows raised so far I felt like they were going to get lost in my hair. “What?” “Close your eyes and pick a kitten, please,” Mo requested. I just stared at him. “I am aware that it sounds absurd, Miss Rosario. But this will all make sense in a moment, if things are as I suspect.” I stared at him for another long moment, then shrugged. I liked cats just fine, and he still seemed to be considering me for the job, so...why not? Eyes closed tight, I leaned down and worked my hands into the pile of kittens. A few nips and playful scratches later, I managed to snag one of the fluffy little things and lift it up away from its siblings. I opened my eyes to see a pure black fuzzball sitting in my palms, staring at me with eyes as gold as the extravagant walls. He blinked a few times, looking around to see where the rest of his family had gone, then curled up with his tail over his eyes. Mo breathed in sharply, and whispered something in a language I didn’t know, eyes widening. “Black,” murmured Hot Security Guy. “It’s black.” “Yeah, I guess so,” I replied, exploring new depths of confusion. “Here, you want to hold him?” HSG backed away like I’d offered to shoot him in the kneecap. “N-no!” he yelped, then cleared his throat. “I mean, no thank you, Miss Rosario. Please continue the interview.” “The straws,” hissed Mo, as I turned back to him. “Bring the straws!” Jumping like he was scalded, HSG disappeared back into the side room and came back with a large, blue porcelain vase bristling with...were those drinking straws? They were. Long red plastic straws, like the ones that you got at the movie theater Slushee machine, with a little spoon on the end so you could scoop up the ice bits. There were tons of them packed into the vase, so tight they barely even rustled as Hot Security Guy placed it next to the kittens. “There are one thousand straws in that vase,” Mo told me, as if that weren’t an utterly bizarre thing to say. “Each one has a number printed on the end, one to one thousand. Do you understand?” I nodded again, scratching the black kitten’s head absently. I was this far into what was comfortably the strangest job interview of my entire life, no point arguing over a vase full of straws. “Good. Choose one, and read me the number, please.” Dutifully, I shifted my new fuzzy friend into my left hand while I reached down with my right and wormed a nail into the forest of straws. It had to be some kind of eccentric rich guy thing, testing people with kittens and straws before he hired them, I decided. “Thirteen,” I recited, reading off the tiny black number punched into the end of my straw. Hot Security Guy literally backpedalled away from me, while Mo looked like he’d seen a ghost. “Thirteen?” he breathed. “Are you certain? Out of one thousand straws, you picked thirteen?” “Yep,” I confirmed, laying the straw on the table for him. “One-three. That makes thirteen to me.” The kitten in my hand started to stretch and mew, pawing for the top of the desk and obviously yearning to explore. I lifted him up and let him clamber out of my palm, since Mo seemed more interested in staring at the little number on the straw than actually interviewing me. The one percent is freaking weird. “Right, Miss Rosario,” Mo finally breathed, shaking himself away from inspecting the straw and seeming to collect himself. “Right. Yes. Thank you for bearing with us. I have one more test for you.” This time, instead of sending Hot Security Guy to fetch, he reached into the drawer of his desk and produced an finely carved set of ivory dice in a plush black velvet box. “Roll them, please.” I didn’t move. “I’d rather not,” I hedged. “I deal cards. I don’t gamble.” That was my rule. Ever since I was eleven, ever since I’d watched my father walk out of the house with all the money we’d saved for my mom’s chemo and come back with empty hands, that had been the rule. I don’t gamble. Ever. “I am not asking you to gamble, Miss Rosario,” Mo countered. “There is no money on the table. Just the dice. Roll them, please.” My jaw locked up and my fingernails bit into my palm, but I forced myself to reach for the dice. There was no way I was going to avoid ever touching a set, if I intended to work in a casino. And Mo was technically right; I wasn’t betting on anything and there was no money at stake, so it wouldn’t be gambling. Just a roll of the dice. Breath caught in my throat, I picked up the dice, shook them once, and then dropped them like a poisonous snake. A brief clatter, and then they came to rest, one pip glinting from each face. One and one. Snake eyes. “Two,” breathed HSG. “She rolled a two. She actually rolled a-!” “Quiet, Jason,” Mo snapped. “Again, if you please, Miss Rosario.” He collected the dice and passed them back across the desk to me. The corner of my lip twisted in distaste, but I nevertheless accepted them, shook, and cast. Two pips stared back at me. Snake eyes, just like before. “Again.” Take, shake, roll. Two pips. Snake eyes. “Okay, what the hell is going on?” I demanded. “First you make me go bobbing for kittens and pick out a Slushee straw, and now you’re making me roll a loaded pair of dice? Does this have anything to do with me dealing blackjack?” “The dice are not loaded,” Mo stated, grandfatherly smile all but gone, now. “Inspect them yourself. And then roll, again.” I retrieved the dice and rolled them through my fingers, weighing them against each other, and then froze. An electric tingle ran up my spine and down to my fingers, as I realized that Mo was on the level. I knew what trick dice felt like in my hand; my dad had made me test out the sets he carved in our garage. These were legit. Which meant… I rolled the dice, flinging them hard against the table. One spun like a top, fluttering about before finally tipping over with one pip to the sky. The other skated across the desk, nearly colliding with the adventuring kitten, and flew off onto the floor. Where it landed with one pip showing. Snake eyes. “Again.” Beginning to feel extremely freaked out, I did as Mo asked, taking a new pair of dice from him and casting them across the desk. Two pips. Snake eyes. “Again.” My hand shook all on its own this time, barely steady enough to hold both dice together. They toppled away from me, less a cast, and more a drop. It didn’t matter. Twp pips glinted in the light, reflecting the golden ornamentation. Snake eyes. “Again.” Again, and again, and again. Over and over, Mo made me roll the dice, and every time the result was the same: two pips. Twenty times in a row, I rolled snake eyes. Which was, mathematically speaking, almost impossible. “What the hell is going on?” I asked again, but this time I really, truly meant it. My voice was barely a squeak, choked by an iron bar lodged in my throat. “What does this mean?” “It means, Miss Rosario, that you are the unluckiest person alive.” I blinked. Even in the grip of an utter and complete confusion, I had enough of my mother’s pride left in me to be insulted. “Excuse me?” “Oh, I mean that very literally,” Mo said, standing up from his desk and sharply correcting his suit jacket. “You, Miguelita Hortensia Maria Francisca de Toledo Rosario Vasquez, are the most unlucky human being on the planet. And that makes you extremely dangerous.” “Dangerous?” I spluttered. “What do you mean, dangerous? How am I-?” “We do not have time for me to answer that question,” Mo interrupted, gesturing for her to stand. “Suffice it to say that there are those of us who play probability and odds like a musician plays his instrument. And we’ve been looking for you, Miss Rosario. Looking for you for quite some time.” I opened my mouth to demand more than that, or maybe to just sputter in wild confusion, but Mo steamrolled over me. “Jason, call ahead to the helipad and tell them to spin up the chopper,” he ordered tersely, glancing to Hot Security Guy. “I want to be wheels up in fifteen minutes. We need to go, now.” “Go?!” I snapped, finally untangling my tongue. “Go where?” “To meet with Lady Luck.”
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Hello, my lovelies! I told you I’d be back, and here I am. This story isn’t nearly as epic as the Ratchet situation was, but it marked the beginning of a pattern wherein I’ve started losing my guy friends, one by one, when they start dating someone. Evidently because I’m single and don’t have a penis, I’m a threat. Not much dialogue in this one, mostly because when these people talk I hear the “whomp whomp whomp” sound of an adult in the Peanuts cartoons. Cast of Characters Me: 23 years old, female, and awesome. Trinidad: My best friend and main bitch. Also 23. The most awesome person I have ever known in my life. Been friends for about 8 years now. EasyD: Male, 25, Trinidad's boyfriend of 4 months. Most awesome guy ever. 10/10, would hang out with him again, and again and again. Stoner: Male, 22, one of my best friends for 5 years. Does nothing with his life but sell pot. Cornerstone of our little group. Dated Trinidad for years, but now they're just friends. StraightUpG: Male, 22, been friends with us for 4 years; was Turtle’s best friend for a while. Thinks he's a gangster. Main dealer's BFF. Historically has never dated a girl to our knowledge, though certainly not because he can't. Enjoys the chase. Never thought he'd settle down. Monet: Female, 22 (I think), so named because, as Clueless explains, "From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess." This analogy works both physically and mentally. Jealous hag, master of manipulation and functional alcoholic. Dated EasyD when he was first seeing Trinidad casually, and he ended it to be exclusive with Trinidad. My group of friends is extremely close for being in our 20s as you may have noticed from my previous stories, and I know that's strange. The only explanation I can come up with is that when someone has seen you at your worst, at your best, and still loves you exactly the way you are, you want to keep a hold on those people. Those are the friendships from where godparents and wedding parties spring. Inevitably as most high school friendships evolve, there is some friendcest that no one takes seriously later in life. Everyone has stayed friends after, and new SOs don't care unless there was a serious relationship. In those instances reasonable boundaries are placed, everyone is trusted, everyone is happy. Until this spring, that is. The trouble began when Trinidad started dating EasyD in January. EasyD has a car, which neither Trinidad or I had at the time. He is very sweet about driving us if we need to go places on the weekends, and we always reciprocate by filling the gas tank. Everyone was happy, except Monet. EasyD had been seeing Monet before he broke it off and decided to date Trinidad exclusively. Monet did not like this, as EasyD conveniently drove her ass everywhere so she didn't have to (god forbid!) board a bus. Because he's a nice guy, EasyD remained friends with her and they hung out every now and then. Trinidad was fine with this. What Trinidad was not fond of is Monet calling EasyD when they're on a date and badgering him to come pick her up so they can go drink at a bar. The two of them would be out eating dinner, and the phone calls would start. When he didn’t answer, she’d just continue calling until he did. For example:
Monet: Hi EasyD, what are you doing? EasyD: I didn’t answer because we’re out for dinner. I need to call you back later. Monet: Teehee, it’ll only take a second! What are you guys doing later? Do you want to go to Corral (a country bar in the next town over)? Some of my friends are going there tonight. EasyD: Well maybe. We can meet you there. Monet: Wait, you won’t pick me up? EasyD: Well we’re already in that area, it would take half an hour to come back and get you. Monet: (sounding as dejected as she can muster) Oh…. Well then I guess we’ll have out another time because I don’t have a ride…
This usually got her what she wanted. She never pitched for gas once. On the occasions when EasyD and Trinidad relented and picked her up to hang out, Monet complained incessantly if she didn't get the front seat. Every time. I heard that and raised an eyebrow, but I couldn't judge, as I had not met her yet. Besides, she couldn't be expected to know that there's a shotgun hierarchy (SO, then best friend, then down it goes); her friends probably don't have a system like we do. She may just have car sickness. It's passable. Even never giving gas money isn't necessarily a problem if EasyD doesn't mind. Right now we must veer into late February, when Trinidad, EasyD and StraightUpG were at my house drinking one cold Saturday night. For backstory, I have always kind of had a thing for StraightUpG. There were never any serious feelings and I would never date him in a million years, but I always sort of wanted to hook up with him at least once. Throughout our friendship I had dated both Turtle and JerBear, both of whom he was friends with. Eventually we became such good friends that I determined a hookup would be detrimental to our relationship, and discarded the thought. Except on this night, the night of pounding rum and tequila in rapid succession. We drank so fast that in the span of an hour, StraightUpG and I had deposited 10 shots each. I hadn't gotten this drunk since my 20th birthday, and it was glorious. Eventually, StraightUpG got closer to me. Sure enough, he moved in for a kiss and we made out for a few minutes. Trinidad looked like Christmas and her birthday came all at once; she often brought this situation up jokingly, and she was wishing she had popcorn to watch the spectacle. EasyD was talking to my roommates, oblivious as usual. After a few minutes I went down to my bedroom to use the bathroom. When I came out, StraightUpG was standing outside the door. We make out some more, and I'm thinking it's going to go pretty far as Trinidad bursts in to continue watching this train wreck. I told her to leave, and when she finally did I felt nauseous. So does StraightUpG. Both our stomachs rebel the liquor, and when we were finished we both passed out. We woke up in the morning and said little about it. I wrote off the thought of a hookup ever happening, because StraightUpG is a TERRIBLE kisser. Life went on. A couple weeks after, there was a party at Trinidad's house. Along with StraightUpG and most of our friends, Monet arrived with some poor sap she had found to drive her there. She didn't seem like someone I would be friends with, but she was nice enough that night. We all got drunk and StraightUpG took an interest in Monet, who ignored her friend to hook up with StraightUpG. We are all amused and laugh it up the next morning. We had never seen him close a deal around us before. "What a player", we all agreed. A few days later, Trinidad/EasyD/StraightUpG/Monet call me drunk from Niagara Falls, where they had decided on a whim to drive and go to the casino. EasyD paid for gas and hotel, as the rest were broke. They all won good money there. Trinidad quickly gives EasyD her share. StraightUpG and Monet ignored this gesture and spent some of their money. EasyD eventually got pissed and asked them to pitch towards the gas and hotel. They sighed dramatically and made a big deal about giving him $20. Wow, 20 whole dollars out of the $500 they won. Such a sacrifice. I heard this and got a bit indignant; StraightUpG had never been like that before, and Monet was using my friends shamelessly when she was barely acquaintances with them. This bugged me, but it wasn't my concern. However, I didn't really like her after this, and I made that clear to Trinidad. She agreed, but Monet was EasyD's friend, so neither of us said anything. In early April, after StraightUpG and Monet started dating and become facebook official (to our shock and utter amusement), I began having a car on the weekends. My first order of business on Saturday was picking up Trinidad, who informed me that she had been roped into hanging out with Monet. EasyD was working, so we had to go pick her up if I was okay with it. I inwardly groaned, but it's for my best friend and I could deal with Monet for a few hours. Presumably because she had only met me once and I'm clearly not a pushover, Monet did not make a big deal about me making her sit in the back. Eventually, we got a hold of StraightUpG and picked him up. We had a nice day and ended up going to our usual pub for dinner, and everyone was dropped off without incident. Trinidad and I retired to my house, had a few drinks, and went to sleep. Early (for a weekend) the next morning, Trinidad got a BBM message.
Monet: "I need you to tell me the truth; has there ever been anything between BitchMagnets and StraightUpG? I noticed some chemistry yesterday."
I burst out laughing. Eventually I composed myself and called Monet myself. I explained the incident to her in full, and assured her that StraightUpG was not my type and I'm not his. We were just walking bottles of liquor that night, and we were just friends. She seemed happy with the answer. All was well. For the next 3 weeks I didn't see Monet, and I only saw StraightUpG at Stoner's house once or twice. Trinidad and EasyD saw them much more often, and they did couple things like bowling on Thursday nights. Evidently the unholy couple became unbearable with their sweet talk and PDA to the point where the others, still in their honeymoon phase, started avoiding them besides bowling. During this timeframe StraightUpG announced plans to buy Monet a chain that matched his, which apparently in Gangster Land is the first step down the aisle. One day Trinidad told me Monet texted her saying that a previous FWB wanted to come over and she was debating letting him. This FWB only hung out with her for sex and Monet knew it. Trinidad told her she had a boyfriend and what the obvious answer was. After 20 minutes of arguing back and forth, Monet concurred and did not allow him to come over. I thought waffling about it at all was disrespectful to a guy who really, really liked her, and informed StraightUpG about that fiasco. Now I know that I should have stayed out of it, but I feel the need to point out that if I had different parts, he would have thanked me for saying that. He kind of brushed it off, but began calling Trinidad regularly to talk about his feelings. Two weeks later he had Trinidad tell me to stay out of his business. Trinidad was also informed that he thought I was jealous of Monet and that I had a crush on him. I quickly texted him and explained myself, and told him that I don't like her for other reasons, not because of him. I also told him I didn't know where he got the feelings from, but they were non-existent. I apologized for getting "in his business", though I don't think I was. I was just concerned. This guy hadn't had a relationship in years; I didn't want his first foray into a girlfriend to fuck him up and cause him to retreat for years. We decided on a truce for the time being. Soon after this fight I felt bad for making him feel like I was against his relationship, and decided to make amends. Monet was in Mexico for a week and they were talking over FaceTime 5 times a day. That Friday I went to Stoner's house, and when I saw StraightUpG was there, I rolled a peace offering joint for us to share. He ended up on FaceTime while I was there, but Monet knew I was there and all was good. On Saturday I went back to Stoner's house with Trinidad, and StraightUpG was there. FaceTime again, whatever. The three of us decided to meet EasyD for dinner at Denny's. StraightUpG asked if I could pay half his bill, because otherwise he couldn't afford to go. I agreed; I had just gotten my tax refund, it was like $10, and I wanted to further mend the gap our fight had caused. Besides, he regularly did that kind of stuff for me anyway when he had money and I was broke. At dinner, FaceTime. Again, Monet knew I was present. As we're eating, StraightUpG disappeared for 20 minutes. Eventually we were done and wanted the bill, so I went outside and told him to hurry up. As we waited for his return, we decided that I would drive StraightUpG home if he didn't want to stay out, EasyD would drive to my house and wait for me, and he would be DD when we went to the bar. StraightUpG didn't want to come, and the 10 minute car ride was silent as I drop him off. Whatever, music was fine. I dropped off the car and went to the pub. When I got there, I checked my phone and saw a long text from StraightUpG. In laymen's terms, he said he can't hang out with me without Monet being present anymore no matter how many people there are; it's out of respect for her because stuff happened (once in 4 years, really?), and it's totally his decision- massive lie. In reality, she's uneasy about me being around him and had just reamed him out for being out with me without proper supervision. I was forced to face an uneasy truth; StraightUpG was now in a choke collar, and as I certainly didn't want to hang out with Monet anymore after that, I had just lost a 4 year friendship. Tears and shots of whisky ensued, after I responded that I wasn't going to avoid my friends just because she had a problem with me; if I showed up somewhere and he was there, he would be the one leaving. He agreed. I got drunk and apparently cried myself to sleep, but I don't remember that- too drunk. It really hurt my feelings that he thought our friendship was so easy to cut off, without a second thought, and that he decided to text me rather than say it to my face. Also, that he had pulled this shit after I had already paid for half his food. What an asshole. On that Sunday morning, I went to Stoner's again with Trinidad. StraightUpG called Trinidad while we were there. When he realized where we are, he got upset. "Of course she's staking out my spot so I can't go there, what a bitch." Never mind that I've been friends with Stoner and thus going to his house longer than he has, but I digress. Anyway, Trinidad exploded and screamed at him for being an asshole, and told him she and EasyD won't hang out with him and Monet anymore because they're being so unreasonable. She reminds him he's excluding himself from practically everything we do now, and that she would be speaking with Monet. She hangs up. I feel vindicated, she says she'd choose me over anyone else, any day. I love her. I changed my number and cut ties with StraightUpG, and I hear that every day this week he has been with Monet getting drunk, which is apparently the only thing she wants to do. He called Trinidad a few days later 5 million times asking if all four of them were going bowling. Trinidad said "No, I don't know how much more clear I can get. We don't want to hang out with you anymore. What you did to BitchMagnets was terrible, and until you drop your bitch we are barely acquaintances." I invited the two of them to my May 24 party soon after, and they reluctantly allowed Trinidad to pick them up and bring them down. Though I really hated Monet, I wanted so badly to still be friends with StraightUpG. She glared at me anytime I talked to him when they were there, even just to answer a question. They were at my house for 30 minutes before they ate our food, then went inside and immediately got picked up to go to a different party. After that, I washed my hands of them completely. They are still together, and apparently all they do is have sex and drink by themselves, because all their friends are sick of them. Sweet, sweet justice. Trinidad thinks StraightUpG realized he has feelings for me and can't trust himself around me without Monet. I disagree. If he was lying about the divide being his decision, he's a pussy and a bad friend. If he wasn’t lying, he's heartless and a terrible friend. Either way, I lost a friend. However, I don’t enjoy spending time with invertebrates, so I guess that’s a win.
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